Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Oh, my Lord.

cto BigHit


Suga. Min Yoongi.

Concept photo for You Never Walk Alone (YNWA), 
BTS' comeback album (repackage) with 4 new songs.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Run 2


How do I love thee?
When you cry and won't let me see.
How do I kiss your pain away?
When you flinch from me being me.

Run



I've watched you grow
From laughter, you were born.
Now I want to know
How from sadness, you are torn.

I love you, kid.

#alwaysremember

Run, run, lost boy
They say to me...
Away from reality.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

One. (For when I am gone)


Don't get dragged through
Don't be consumed
Don't catch it through
Don't be consumed

IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S ALRIGHT
IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S ALRIGHT
IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S ALRIGHT
IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S ALRIGHT

My loves, eomma is now gone.  I will not tell you that it will not hurt.  I will not tell you not to cry.  It will hurt.  Please, cry.  Cry until you feel numb.  Cry until you feel that it is time to say goodbye. I will tell you though, to please cry together.  Feel numb together.  Say goodbye, together.  It is by being together that you will get through this. It is by being together, that you will be okay.

Ate, you will have to be strong.  You’re an adult now. You should be the one going through all the motions of arranging a funeral.  And I will leave to you some suggestions about what I wanted, but it would be up to you to follow or completely ignore.  For one, I would not want everyone else to see me dead.  I never felt it necessary for other people to see someone dead.  I will not take pride into lying down in a coffin, dressed in ruffles, for everyone to gawk and talk about. If possible, I want to be cremated immediately.  I have nightmares thinking of lying in a coffin.  Just hold a service showing my urn and a pretty picture.  A picture that will remind everyone what I looked like happy and healthy.  I hope that you can fulfill this.

People will come to you and offer you support.  Please ignore remarks that might hurt you.  People feel awkward during funerals and stuff that comes out of their mouths is sometimes hurtful, without them knowing.  Just ignore them. And thank them for their sympathy.

People will give you money.  They are called “abuloy.”  You must accept and keep them.  These will be pooled and used to pay for the funeral services, and for the food that will be served throughout the service.  Remember to hold masses during the wake.  Ask help from my family/relatives like Diche or my brothers, if you are in a bind.   I am not sure who will take over everything, most probably Mama, but you cannot just depend on her, because she will also be grieving the most.

Losing a child is the most painful thing there is, so please console Mama.  Hug her. She will need it.

I'm sorry. For dying. For leaving.  I hope one day, we'll fangirl together again.

Kuya... we've come a long way together.  I cannot write this without crying with longing even if I am still around. Just thinking about leaving you three behind pains me to no end.  As you are also now an adult, you have to be responsible now. Especially towards Tony.  

I know you know you are different than most people.  Having autism is not the end of the world, my love.  You are one of the exceptions.  You are smart and capable to live a normal life.  And i wish and pray that you will.

Tony, my french fry, it's with deep regret that I leave you.  Regret that I will not be able to hear you call me "bitch" or "eomma" anymore.  That I will not be able to touch your hair... or watch you sleep.  That I will not be able to see your wife or kids. 

All three of you... you have kept me going for so many years.  I know those years will never be enough, but they were all we had.  I hope that the memories I leave behind will be enough, though,  to last you a lifetime.

saranghae.

Untitled



i dream of you
some nights, i dream of you
with wide-open eyes
nights cold as ice

i hear your voice echoing through the room
through the window, ajar, i see the moon
like mist, your scent hangs in the air
like fog, your leaving makes all unclear

i dream of you
some days, i dream of you
as i doze off in the afternoon
the sun blazing; i wish it was the moon

New Reason for Breathing



So, eto na... nagbabalik sa pagsusulat... ng nonsense.


ctto
Yung mga anak ko, nahihilig sa KPop. kasabay ng pagkakahilig ko sa KDrama nowadays.  Dati, EXO ang gusto ni Buchog. Ngayon, BTS na. Tapos, ayun! Nahawaan ako. Nung una, ang gusto ko, si Jimin.  
Kasi putragis, ang hot.  Pero nung inisa-isa ko na sila, mas napusuan ko si Suga. 
Kasi punyeta, ang taba ng utak.  Alam na.  Brains over brawn akong tao.  
Siya yung tipong alam kong wala akong makukuha sa katahimikan.  Oo, gusto ko yung "deep."  
Siya lang naman ang producer, composer, rapper sa grupo nila.  Yung mga tipong gising sa madaling-araw. Brains.

Di din naman papatalo sa "visuals," amfotah. Ang "virginal" ng hitsura. Ang lips, Dios mio.  
Ewan.  He is half my age, but I love him.  

ni - nu - ni- nu...

Saturday, October 08, 2016

A photo posted by Reich Santos (@dausdos) on



Wearing your son's boxers and shirt coz u thought u locked yourself out of your room... Comfy. 

*-* 

Happy kinda sad seeing my last emotional scar fade. Forgetting heartaches one scar at a time.
As if... Here's to hoping...

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Take Me Back



Take me back when 
trees are burning.
Take me back when 
the sun sets between mountains.
Take me back when 
I lived just for you.
Take me back to when 
the world = me + you.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

He Sleeps...



#TBT #bunso

When he needs me...
He falls asleep on my bed.
He drifts off knowing I understood
Without anything being said.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Golden Love



We rest as one soul
Just one last night here
Remembering what we gave up
This golden love

Our path have crossed
But it's the last time I'll have you
When we're old, we'll look on
This golden love

Oh, we were destined
Oh, underdone
Oh, meet me Thursday
For golden love

I'll give if you give
Don't forget, this is it
One chance to do us justice
This golden love

Oh, we were destined
Oh, underdone
Oh, meet me Thursday
For golden love

Oh, we were destined
Oh, underdone
Oh, meet me Thursday
For golden love
For golden love
For golden love

Holy



"Holy"


Yeah, you've got it all,
But you've got it all wrong.
No, you don't know
You're a poor unfortunate soul.
Oh I know,
You make it seem that you feel whole,
So they don't know
You're a poor unfortunate soul.

Yeah you put on a faith facade,
Think you're holy when you're not.
I hate to break it to you baby,
But you're simply lost.
You can right all the wrongs just to feel you belong,
But simply calling out sins don't bring you closer to God.
You're just a ghost at most,
A set of empty bones,
Searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole,
When it gets cold, oh oh oh.

You don't know.
No you don't know.
Oh you're all alone,
You poor unfortunate soul.
You can't control where your body lets you go.
Oh you're all alone,
You poor unfortunate soul.

And you say that I've got it all wrong.
'Cause you just know I'm a poor unfortunate soul.

But there's no way that there's weight in the words that you preach,
When you're claiming your faith and you contradict your speech.
So I sit here and listen to your tongue and cheek,
I know that when you sit and pray you're only praying for keeps.
Cause you're a ghost at most,
A set of empty bones,
Searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole,
When it gets cold, oh oh oh.

You don't know.
No you don't know.
Oh you're all alone,
You poor unfortunate soul.
You can't control where your body lets you go.
Oh you're all alone,
You poor unfortunate soul.

You're shallow and empty and filled with regret.
I think that chest must be heavy from that cross on your neck
You only wear 'cause you're wary of what comes next after your death.
Don't think I didn't notice.

Don't think I didn't notice.

Don't think I didn't know you're just a po-oh-oh-oh
Poor unfortunate so-o-o-oul
Poor unfortunate so-o-o-oul
Poor unfortunate so-o-o-oul
Poor unfortunate

And you've got it all (poor unfortunate so-o-o-oul)
You've got it all wrong (poor unfortunate so-o-o-oul)
No you'll never know, never know, never know (poor unfortunate so-o-o-oul)
You're a poor unfortunate soul.

Don't think I didn't notice.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Brownout


Brownout!

Badtrip…. Ang tagal ng brownout.

Parang yung buhay ko lang. Parang matagal na brownout. Kailan kaya magkaka-ilaw ang buhay ko?

#arte

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

on Koreanovelas



Feeling like a calcium-filled balloon.

It’s my party and i’ll cry if i want to.

Kakatapos ko lang manood ng koreanovela.

Ano bang meron sa mga asianovela at leche, nakakakilig. Kahit ang simple ng tema, ang simple… Simpleng OA yung pag-arte. Pero parang fairytale.

Yung tipong di mangyayari sa totoong buhay, kasi, pakshet, that’s life. It will never be all good. Laging may kontrabida, laging may plot twist.

Ewan.

Saturday, September 03, 2016

47

Sabado ngayon. September 3. 47 taon nang kasal ang mga magulang ko. Nagkakainan sila sa taas. Andito ako sa kwarto, nagpapapahinga kasi pagod na pagod na.

Galing lang naman ng pagpapaopera. Nagpatanggal ng parathyroid. Sa pagkakaalam ko, pang siyam na hiwa ko na to. Gaddamit andami na. Para na akong lab rat. Isang guinea pig. Baboy na kinakatay. Unti-unting kinukuha ni Lord.

Nung bumalik kami ng ER, halos ramdam kong humihiwalay na ang kaluluwa ko sa katawang lupa ko. Nakakatakot.  Ngayon lang ako seryosong natakot na mamatay.

Ano bang nasa dako pa roon? Ano’ng meron pagkatapos ng lahat? Sana kung parang araw lang, alam mong may Linggo pagnatapos ang Sabado. Pero hindi eh. Hindi ka sigurado.

Sana lang pagkanamatay na ako, maging parang “What Dreams May Come.” May tao pa din. May lugar. May mapupuntahan. May liwanag. At wala nang dilim.  Sana.

Natatakot ako ngayon matulog. Dahil baka hindi na lang ako magising. Natatakot ako para sa mga anak kong maiiiwan. Paano na lang sila?  Sino na ang sasagot sa mga nonsense na tanong nila? Sino na ang manonood ng mga “huh?” nilang videos? Sino na lang ang sisigaw sa kanila para gumising na? Sino na lang ang dadrama?

Di ko pwedeng sabihin sa kanila ngayon na “huwag kayong malungkot, i will always be there.” because i know that’s bullshit. I will never be there. Not anymore.

I will be just a memory. I just wish that i left enough happy memories for my children. Enough for them to go on living without me. Enough to never question God “why my Mom?!” Enough to never hate the living coz I am not amongst them. Enough until we meet again.

Oo. May hope ako ngayon, na, sana, may after life. Na sana magkita-kita pa din kami ng mga anak ko sa langit. Kasi sobrang saya ko sa kanila dito sa lupa that I honestly will never get tired of seeing them, being with them, hugging them.

Kahit gaano ako nagagalit sa tigas ng ulo nila, sa kulit, sa dami ng tanong, sa kawalan ng sagot… I cannot imagine a day without them.

Naiiyak ako. Naiiyak ako.  Naiiyak ako.

I’ll cry until the pity party’s in place.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Lost in the woods

Nakakasawang gumising sa umaga tuwing Lunes, Miyerkules, at Biyernes. Sana kung pwedeng lagtawan ang mga araw na ito, ginawa ko na. Sana kung pwedeng matulog na lang at paggising mo Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday o Sunday na agad.

Dialysis ang bumubuhay at pumapatay sa akin ngayon. Pisikal na bumubuhay sa akin. Emosyonal na pumapatay sa akin. Nakakawala ng espiritu. Parang Coke na naiwan sa mesa na walang takip. Parang malamig na sabaw. Parang matigas na tinapay.

Sampung taon na akong nagdadialysis. Kapag ganitong matagal na, kinakabahan ka na. Paano kung bukas o sa makalawa, bumigay na ang puso mo? Pagod na pagod na siya. Overworked. Underpaid. Parang mga titser, nars, at saleslady.

Hay.

Sabay naririnig ko ngayon, nagpapatugtog ang isa kong anak ng “are we out of the woods? are we in the clear?”

No, anak, we are not.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Kahit wala na ako

Ngayon na lang ulit ako sumulat. Hindi dahil walang nangyayari sa buhay ko, kundi wala na akong “soul.” Naubos na ang “will” ko para maisapapel ko ang mga naiisip ko.

Bahay-dialysis-bahay. Yan na lang ang buhay ko simula nung nagkasakit ako. At hindi lang katawang lupa ko ang may sakit. Buong pagkatao.

Nakahiga ako ngayon. Hindi dahil tinatamad, kundi walang lakas para tumayo. Masakit ang lahat. Uminom na nga ako ng Biogesic, para maibsan naman kahit paano. Epektib naman. Kaso, lahat naman halos ng bagay, “never enough.” May masakit pa din.

Naisip kong sumulat ngayon kasi punong-puno na ko. Naguumapaw na yung pag-ayaw ko sa buhay. Sukong suko na ko. Nalulungkot ako. “I’m down and out,” ika nga. Kinailangan kong ilabas to. Dahil kung hindi, aba baka magbigti na lang ako dito sa kwarto.

Hindi ako “strong,” kaya please lang wag nyong sabihin yan sa kin. Wag nyo kong purihin. Di nyo nalalasahan ang mga luha ko. Di nyo naririnig ang aking mga hikbi. Tao lang ako. Marupok, mababaw, natutunaw. Teka, wala nga palang tao na natutunaw. Naaagnas siguro?

Ganun nga pakiramdam ko ngayon eh. Parang naaagnas na bangkay, parang kandilang nauupos, parang tubig na nageevaporate.

Mahirap mabuhay para lang mabuhay. Iilan na lang ang rason ko “to go on.” Minsan, nagpapaalam na ako sa mga anak ko. Grabe, sobrang ang “insensitive” ko. Parang tungak lang.

Kaso wala eh. Dumadating talaga ata sa buhay ng isang taong may malubhang sakit ang mga ganitong “moments.”

Yaan nyo na. Matatapos din naman ang lahat. Magliliwanag pa din ang buwan. Kukutitap pa din ang mga bituin. Iikot pa din ang mundo.

Kahit wala na ako.

Proud


Binigyan ako ng panganay ko ng isang daan. Sabi nya parte ko daw sa unang sweldo nya.

Huh?!

Tumanggap pala ng online job sa Upwork ang loka. Sumweldo ng $10. Haha.

Nakaka-proud naman. Kahit isang daan lang yan, itatago ko anak.

Pinagpaguran mo rin yan, noh!

Ayayu, anak.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Isip

Nagsimula ka sa aking isip
Binuhay ka ng aking mga kamay
Ika'y nagmulat sa isang ihip
Pag-ibig nati'y walang kapantay

Alak na dumampi sa aking bibig
Suliranin ay nawaglit sa aking isip
Luha na dulot ng pag-ibig
Saglit na naglaho nang ako'y maidlip

Ako'y nagising sa katotohanan
Namulat ako sa isang panaginip
Sumigaw... Humiyaw sa aking unan
Tayo ay nagtapos din sa aking isip