Friday, October 29, 2004

Assholes!

Taste Test

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.

With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”

Pano ka pa makakapag-aral nyan?

Sabi nila, "It's not the student's fault if he
fails in his subjects."

Bakit naman? Sagot nila, "Because the year only has
365 days."

And when you take these factors/things into
consideration....

1. Sundays - 52 Sundays in a year. Sunday is rest
day. therefore...

Days left: 313.

2. Summer - 50 days of very hot weather. mahirap daw
mag-aral kapag mainit.

Days left: 263.

3. Sleep - Kailangan ng 8 hours araw-araw, hindi ba?
Calculate, this equals to 130 days.

Days left: 141.

4. Relaxation - kailangan mo ng isang oras per day,
sabi nila. (good for health) means 15 days.

Days left: 126.

5. Pagkain - tatlong meals, snacktime, 2 hours
estimate para doon.(dapat chew properly). Bilangin mo,
equal to 30 days.

Days left: 96.

6. Chit-Chat - "man is a social animal". So sabihin
na nating isang oras per araw kang
nakikipang-chikahan. means 15 days.

Days left: 81.

7. Exams - per year, mga 35 exam days.

Days left: 46.

8. Festivals/holidays/araw para sa RALLY o MOB - 37
days.

Balance: 9 days.

9. Illness - nagkakasakit ka rin naman minsan,
hindi ba? Sabihin na nating apat na araw kada taon.

Remaining days: 5.

10. Organization - siyempre may mga org activities
pa. So 4 na araw para dun, sabihin natin.

1 day left.

11. Tapos, that 1 day is your birthday. How can you
study at that day?

Natitirang araw: 0, nill, nada, none


"SO, san mo isisingit ngayon ang pag-aaral?"

Final Test

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time—however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to the University of Virginia for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.”

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

“(For 95 points): Which tire?”

Blondes’ Revenge

What do you call a Blonde without an asshole? Single.

What is the next exhibit at Ripley’s “Believe It Or Not?”
A man born with a penis and a brain.

Why are most Blonde jokes only two lines long?
So men can understand them.

What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded head board.

Why did God create man?
Because neither a dildo nor a vibrator can mow the lawn.

How can you tell if a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more then two minutes.

Why do men have holes in their penises?
So they can get air to their brains.

Why do women get more hemorrhoids than men?
Because when God created man, He created the perfect asshole!

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with the only one they really love.

Why do you guys like Blondes with big tits and tight pussies? Because you guys have big mouths and little dicks!

Why can’t men get mad cows disease?
Because men are pigs!

What do Blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Smart Fella

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”

“Bobby Sue gave it to me,” Bubba replied.

“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”

“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes woulda never fit you.”

Who’s Smarter? Blonde or Lawyer?

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: “Okay, how about this. If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what is the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Shit List

naman eh. =)

=========================================================================

Ghost Shit
The kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind of shit where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but when you wipe your ass there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Shit
The kind of shit where you wipe your ass so many times, and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper up your asshole so you will not ruin your underwear with a nasty shit stain.

2nd Wave Shit
This happens when you are done shitting, pulled up your pants to your waist, and you have to shit some more.

Pop-a-Vein-in-Your-Head Shit
The kind of shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit where it is so huge you are affraid to flush it without breaking it into small pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Shit
The kind of shit so noisy, everyone in hearing range is giggling.

The Dangling Shit
The kind of shit that refuses to drop even though you are done shitting. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking; the most noticible trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet bowl.

Corn Shit (Self Explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit
The kind of shit where you want to shit so bad, but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That is where it hurts so badly you could swear it was leaving your body sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit (Power Dump)
The kind of shit that comes out so fast your ass gets splashed with water.

Mexican Shit
The kind of shit that smells so bad your nose hairs burn off.

Upper Class Shit
The kind of shit that comes out perfectly: doesn’t touch the bottom of the toilet, doesn’t smell, and defies all laws of shitting.

Liquid Shit
The kind of shit where the yellow-brownish liquid shoots out of your asshole and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

The Never-ending Shit
The kind of shit that you feel it come out, look into the toilet bowl, see the beginning, but never see the end.

Five-Alarm-Fire Shit
This is when you take a Liquid Shit and it burns you asshole so badly that you want to take a 50 foot lawn hose, put it on full power and shove it all the way up your ass.

The Surprise Shit
That is when you are not even at the toilet because you are sure that you have to fart, but oops ... a piece of shit.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Focus on Problems vs. Focus on Solutions



galeng... hehe...

==============================================

1. One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with
high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line.

He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

2. When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface).In order to solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface
including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did Russians do.....................??

The Russians used a Pencil!!!

Moral of the story: Keep It Simple, i.e. always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problem :-)

Saturday, October 23, 2004

the reason i blogged today

i'm on my last day as CE Email OIC... on Monday, I'm back to my old sched as CIC Email OIC, 6:15 to 3:15, Sat-Sun off.

as I am doing this, Augee and I are munching on CheeseRings.

the reason i blogged today?

i just wanna say that whoever invented these delightful CheeseRings is a pure genius of tongue sensation.

yes, u can achieve tongue sensation even without sex.

i luv u, men (or women).

Monday, October 18, 2004

Happiness in Small Servings

This was a letter I sent to my friends and relatives when Dale first attended school. A friend of mine who still has it in her mailbox wanted me to post it here. So here it goes...

=============================================================================

06/25/02

Dale (my son who has autism) is now going to a public school nearby. He started Monday (7am-10am). He cried when the door was closed behind me. The teacher asked me to leave him there.

I stayed for a few minutes outside listening to my son cry. It was impossible for me not to cry, too. That was the first time i've ever left him to total strangers.

Then another teacher went by and asked me to go home. "Masasanay din yan, mrs.", she said.

Yesterday, i also stayed outside, waiting for him to stop crying. He did after 5 minutes. Then i went home.

Today, he wouldn't let me put his uniform on. but i told him, YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL. TEACHER IS WAITING FOR YOU. YOU'LL PLAY THE ABC (plastic abc's he was playing with there). THEN U'L EAT YOUR BAON, THEN I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU.

He suddenly looked at me at that last statement.

So, i repeated, MOMMY WILL COME BACK FOR YOU.

So, when we got to school, he got his snackbox from me and went inside the classroom, placed it on top of the table and went straight to the plastic abc's.

His teacher's jaw dropped.

I stayed outside for a while for I couldn't help crying. This time, I wasn't sad or worried. This time, I was happy.

God gave me another good sign today that my son will be ok.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

ano ba to?

hay... i dunno what to think and feel anymore...

i was transferred.... AGAIN. I'm now working from 1pm to 10pm. ok lang sana yun. kaso lang biglang ang restday daw namin is Wed and Thurs.

WTF.

Anea at 9. Posted by Hello

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Anea's Wish

We celebrated Anea's 9th birthday today at Jollibee Vito Cruz. It was Anea's firt birthday party at a fastfood. Everything went smoothly.

She looked lovely today. It took more than a week for me to decide what she was to wear. The style she wanted to achieve was ala "Hay-Lin" of W.I.T.C.H. that consisted of a hat and knee-high socks, a mini and a shirt. Everybody said she's sooooo big already, and she indeed is. especially her tummy... she'd kill me for writing that... hehehe...

Even if not all her classmates came, she was happy enough that five of them did. I was also happy coz nakatipid ako. har-har. buti na lang two days before the party, I called in and took 20 out of the reserved 90 pax since a lot said that they can't come.

63 out of 70 came. it would have been a total blast if everyone we invited did come, but what's important is that Anea was extremely content with what happened. Especially with the gifts she received. She liked the W.I.T.C.H. books best that Joanne gave her. She really loves to read.

Her wish for her birthday is "maging honor." She's TOP 1 in class, and TOP 3 for the whole Grade 3. That's why we held her party outside.

Well, what more can a proud mother ask for?

I wish that her wish be granted.

Monday, October 11, 2004

this gave me the creeps. i swear.

nice poster. nice movie.



Tequila and Salt

You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want
to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the
rude remarks.

how to control ur angst, accdg to Goldi

This would give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you.......

the 4 rules of practicing "ugaling langit - ugaling kaaya-aya"..

1. Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit... pag naunahan ka na ng galit nya...tahimik ka na lng muna...

2. Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa... Pag di kayo sumagot or pumatol..titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag away sa inyo...

3. Ang taong galit, "Bingi". If someone is angry...wala daw pinakikinggan so dont try to explain and fight back coz di ka nya iintindihin dahil wala s'yang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya...

4. Ang taong galit..abnoy... according sa pastor, biblical daw ito...coz the Lord said when He was crucified..."Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa"...modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys... ...so you better not get angry para wag ka matawag na abnoy... You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewels...coz you need them for you to mature...hanggat andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo...ibig sabihin immature ka pa din...God will not take away those people...its for you to take away your bad feelings towards them...you'll know na mature ka na pag dumating yung time na di ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito coz you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them...

5. Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person, I will grow mature and that "DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION N'YA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD."

word game

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z's

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters with no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

nice one!




You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die
2. An old friend who once saved your life
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your
life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered:

I would give my car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind andwait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

i like this one!

=============================================================================


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will
not freeze over.

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

100 Best Things About Being Pinoy

forwarded
========

FROM the 1896 Revolution to the first Philippine Republic, the Commonwealth period, the EDSA Revolt, and the tiger cub economy, history marches on. Thankfully, however, some things never change. Like the classics, things irresistibly Pinoy mark us for life. They’re the indelible stamp of our identity, the undeniable affinity that binds us like twins. They celebrate the good in us, the best of our culture and the infinite possibilities we are all capable of. Some are so self-explanatory you only need mention them for fellow Pinoys to swoon or drool. Here, from all over this Centennial-crazed country and in no particular order, are a hundred of the best things that make us unmistakably Pinoy.

1. Merienda. Where else is it normal to eat five times a day?
2. Sawsawan. Assorted sauces that guarantee freedom of choice, enough room for experimentation and maximum tolerance for diverse tastes. Favorites: toyo’t calamansi, suka at sili, patis.
3. Kuwan, ano. At a loss for words? Try these and marvel at how Pinoys understand exactly what you want.
4. Pinoy humor and irreverence. If you’re api and you know it, crack a joke. Nothing personal, really.
5. Tingi. Thank goodness for small entrepreneurs. Where else can we buy cigarettes, soap, condiments and life’s essentials in small affordable amounts?
6. Spirituality. Even before the Spaniards came, ethnic tribes had their own anitos, bathalas and assorted deities, pointing to a strong relationship with the Creator, who or whatever it may be.
7. Po, opo, mano po. Speech suffixes that define courtesy, deference, filial respect-a balm to the spirit in these aggressive times.
8. Pasalubong. Our way of sharing the vicarious thrills and delights of a trip, and a wonderful excuse to shop without the customary guilt.
9. Beaches! With 7,000 plus islands, we have miles and miles of shoreline piled high with fine white sand, lapped by warm waters, and nibbled by exotic tropical fish. From the stormy seas of Batanes to the emerald isles of Palawan-over here, life is truly a beach.
10. Bagoong. Darkly mysterious, this smelly fish or shrimp paste typifies the underlying theme of most ethnic foods: disgustingly unhygienic, unbearably stinky and simply irresistible.
11. Bayanihan. Yes, the internationally-renowned dance company, but also this habit of pitching in still common in small communities. Just have that cold beer and some pulutan ready for the troops.
12. The Balikbayan box. Another way of sharing life’s bounty, no matter if it seems like we’re fleeing Pol Pot every time we head home from anywhere in the globe. The most wonderful part is that, more often than not, the contents are carted home to be distributed.
13. Pilipino komiks. Not to mention “Hiwaga,” “Aliwan,” “Tagalog Classics,” “Liwayway” and”Bulaklak” magazines. Pulpy publications that gave us Darna, Facifica Falayfay, Lagalag, Kulafu, Kenkoy, Dyesebel, characters of a time both innocent and worldly.
14. Folk songs. They come unbidden and spring, full blown, like a second language, at the slightest nudge from the too-loud stereo of a passing jeepney or tricycle.
15. Fiesta. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow is just another day, shrugs the poor man who, once a year, honors a patron saint with this sumptuous, no-holds-barred spread. It’s a Pinoy celebration at its pious and riotous best.
16. Aswang, manananggal, kapre. The whole underworld of Filipino lower mythology recalls our uniquely bizarre childhood, that is, before political correctness kicked in. Still, their rich adventures pepper our storytelling.
17. Jeepneys. Colorful, fast, reckless, a vehicle of postwar Pinoy ingenuity, this Everyman’s communal cadillac makes for a cheap, interesting ride. If the driver’s a daredevil (as they usually are), hang on to your seat.
18. Dinuguan. Blood stew, a bloodcurdling idea, until you try it with puto. Best when mixed with jalape¤o peppers. Messy but delicious.
19. Santacruzan. More than just a beauty contest, this one has religious overtones, a tableau of St. Helena’s and Constantine’s search for the Cross that seamlessly blends piety, pageantry and ritual. Plus, it’s the perfect excuse to show off the prettiest ladies-and the most beautiful gowns.

20. Balut. Unhatched duck’s embryo, another unspeakable ethnic food to outsiders, but oh, to indulge in guilty pleasures! Sprinkle some salt and suck out that soup, with gusto.

21. Pakidala. A personalized door-to-door remittance and delivery system for overseas Filipino workers who don’t trust the banking system, and who expect a family update from the courier, as well.

22. Choc-nut. Crumbly peanut chocolate bars that defined childhood ecstasy before M & M’s and Hershey’s.

23. Kamayan style. To eat with one’s hand and eschew spoon, fork and table manners-ah, heaven.

24. Chicharon. Pork, fish or chicken crackling. There is in the crunch a hint of the extravagant, the decadent and the pedestrian. Perfect with vinegar, sublime with beer.

25. Pinoy hospitality. Just about everyone gets a hearty “Kain tayo!” invitation to break bread with whoever has food to share, no matter how skimpy or austere it is.

26. Adobo, kare-kare, sinigang and other lutong bahay stuff.

Home-cooked meals that have the stamp of approval from several generations, who swear by closely-guarded cooking secrets and family recipes.

27. Lola Basyang. The voice one heard spinning tales over the radio, before movies and television curtailed imagination and defined grown-up tastes.

28. Pambahay. Home is where one can let it all hang out, where clothes do not make a man or woman but rather define their level of comfort.

29. Tricycle and trisikad, the poor Pinoy’s taxicab that delivers you at your doorstep for as little as PHPesos3.00, with a complimentary dusting of polluted air.

30. Dirty ice cream. Very Pinoy flavors that make up for the risk: munggo, langka, ube, mais, keso, macapuno. Plus there’s the colorful cart that recalls jeepney art.

31. Yayas. The trusted Filipino nanny who, ironically, has become a major Philippine export as overseas contract workers. A good one is almost like a surrogate parent-if you don’t mind the accent and the predilection for afternoon soap and movie stars.

32. Sarsi. Pinoy rootbeer, the enduring taste of childhood. Our grandfathers had them with an egg beaten in.
33. Pinoy fruits. Atis, guyabano, chesa, mabolo, lanzones, durian, langka, makopa, dalanghita, siniguelas, suha, chico, papaya, singkamas-the possibilities!

34. Filipino celebrities. Movie stars, broadcasters, beauty queens, public officials, all-around controversial figures: Aurora Pijuan, Cardinal Sin, Carlos P. Romulo, Charito Solis, Cory Aquino, Emilio Aguinaldo, the Eraserheads, Fidel V. Ramos, Francis Magalona, Gloria Diaz, Manuel L. Quezon, Margie Moran, Melanie Marquez, Ninoy Aquino, Nora Aunor, Pitoy Moreno, Ramon Magsysay, Richard Gomez, San Lorenzo Ruiz, Sharon Cuneta, Gemma Cruz, Erap, Tiya Dely, Mel and Jay, Gary V.

35. World class Pinoys who put us on the global map: Lea Salonga, Paeng Nepomuceno, Eugene Torre, Luisito Espinosa, Lydia de Vega-Mercado, Jocelyn Enriquez, Elma Muros, Onyok Velasco, Efren “Bata” Reyes, Lilia Calderon-Clemente, Loida Nicolas-Lewis, Josie Natori.

36. Pinoy tastes. A dietitian’s nightmare: too sweet, too salty, too fatty, as in burong talangka, itlog na maalat, crab fat (aligue), bokayo, kutchinta, sapin-sapin, halo-halo, pastilyas, palitaw, pulburon, longganisa, tuyo, ensaymada, ube haleya, sweetened macapuno and garbanzos. Remember, we’re the guys who put sugar (horrors) in our spaghetti sauce. Yum!

37. The sights. Banaue Rice Terraces, Boracay, Bohol’s Chocolate Hills, Corregidor Island, Fort Santiago, the Hundred Islands, the Las Pi?s Bamboo Organ, Rizal Park, Mt. Banahaw, Mayon Volcano, Taal Volcano. A land of contrasts and ever-changing landscapes.

38. Gayuma, agimat and anting-anting. Love potions and amulets.

How the socially-disadvantaged Pinoy copes.

39. Barangay Ginebra, Jaworski, PBA, MBA and basketball. How the verticaly-challenged Pinoy compensates, via a national sports obsession that reduces fans to tears and fistfights.

40. People Power at EDSA. When everyone became a hero and changed Philippine history overnight.

41. San Miguel Beer and pulutan. “Isa pa nga!” and the Philippines’ most popular, world-renowned beer goes well with peanuts, corniks, tapa, chicharon, usa, barbecue, sisig, and all manner of spicy, crunchy and cholesterol-rich chasers.

42. Resiliency. We’ve survived 400 years of Spanish rule, the US bases, Marcos, the 1990 earthquake, lahar, lambada, Robin Padilla, and Tamagochi. We’ll survive Erap.

43. Yoyo. Truly Filipino in origin, this hunting tool, weapon, toy and merchandising vehicle remains the best way to “walk the dog” and “rock the baby,” using just a piece of string.

44. Pinoy games: Pabitin, palosebo, basagan ng palayok. A few basic rules make individual cunning and persistence a premium, and guarantee a good time for all.

45. Ninoy Aquino. For saying that “the Filipino is worth dying for,” and proving it.

46. Balagtasan. The verbal joust that brings out rhyme, reason and passion on a public stage.

47. Tabo. All-powerful, ever-useful, hygienically-triumphant device to scoop water out of a bucket _ and help the true Pinoy answer nature’s call. Helps maintain our famously stringent toilet habits.

48. Pandesal. Despite its shrinking size, still a good buy. Goes well with any filling, best when hot.

49. Jollibee. Truly Pinoy in taste and sensibility, and a corporate icon that we can be quite proud of. Do you know that it’s invaded the Middle East, as well?

50. The butanding, the dolphins and other creatures in our blessed waters. They’re Pinoys, too, and they’re here to stay. Now if some folks would just stop turning them into daing.

51. Pakikisama. It’s what makes people stay longer at parties, have another drink, join pals in sickness and health. You can get dead drunk and still make it home.

52. Sing-a-long. Filipinos love to sing, and thank God a lot of us do it well!

53. Kayumanggi. Neither pale nor dark, our skin tone is beautifully healthy, the color of a rich earth or a mahogany tree growing towards the sun.

54. Handwoven cloth and native weaves. Colorful, environment-friendly alternatives to polyester that feature skillful workmanship and a rich indigenous culture behind every thread. From the pinukpok of the north to the malong of the south, it’s the fiber of who we are.

55. Movies. Still the cheapest form of entertainment, especially if you watch the same movie several times.

56. Bahala na. We cope with uncertainty by embracing it, and are thus enabled to play life by ear.

57. Papaitan. An offal stew flavored with bile, admittedly an acquired taste, but pointing to our national ability to acquire a taste for almost anything.

58. English. Whether carabao or Arr-neoww-accented, it doubles our chances in the global marketplace.

59. The Press. Irresponsible, sensational, often inaccurate, but still the liveliest in Asia. Otherwise, we’d all be glued to TV.

60. Divisoria. Smelly, crowded, a pickpocket’s paradise, but you can get anything here, often at rock-bottom prices. The sensory overload is a bonus.

61. Barong Tagalog. Enables men to look formal and dignified without having to strangle themselves with a necktie. Worn well, it makes any ordinary Juan look marvelously makisig.

62. Filipinas. They make the best friends, lovers, wives. Too bad they can’t say the same for Filipinos.

63. Filipinos. So maybe they’re bolero and macho with an occasional streak of generic infidelity; they do know how to make a woman feel like one.

64. Catholicism. What fun would sin be without guilt? Jesus Christ is firmly planted on Philippine soil.

65. Dolphy. Our favorite, ultra-durable comedian gives the beleaguered Pinoy everyman an odd dignity, even in drag.

66. Style. Something we often prefer over substance. But every Filipino claims it as a birthright.

67. Bad taste. Clear plastic covers on the vinyl-upholstered sofa, posters of poker-playing dogs masquerading as art, overaccessorized jeepneys and altars-the list is endless, and wealth only seems to magnify it.

68. Mangoes. Crisp and tart, or lusciously ripe, they evoke memories of family outings and endless sunshine in a heart-shaped package.Mangoes. Crisp and tart, or lusciously ripe, they evoke memories of family outings and endless sunshine in a heart-shaped package.

69. Unbridled optimism. Why we rank so low on the suicide scale.

70. Street food: Barbecue, lugaw, banana-cue, fishballs, IUD (chicken entrails), adidas (chicken feet), warm taho. Forget hepatitis; here’s cheap, tasty food with gritty ambience.

71. The siesta. Snoozing in the middle of the day is smart, not lazy.

72. Honorifics and courteous titles: Kuya, ate, diko, ditse, ineng, totoy, Ingkong, Aling, Mang, etc. No exact English translation, but these words connote respect, deference and the value placed on kinship.

73. Heroes and people who stood up for truth and freedom. Lapu-lapu started it all, and other heroes and revolutionaries followed:

Diego Silang, Macario Sakay, Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Apolinario Mabini, Melchora Aquino, Gregorio del Pilar, Gabriela Silang, Miguel Malvar, Francisco Balagtas, Juan Luna, Marcelo H. del Pilar, Panday Pira, Emilio Jacinto, Raha Suliman, Antonio Luna, Gomburza, Emilio Aguinaldo, the heroes of Bataan and Corregidor, Pepe Diokno, Satur Ocampo, Dean Armando Malay, Evelio Javier, Ninoy Aquino, Lola Rosa and other comfort women who spoke up, honest cabbie Emilio Advincula, Rona Mahilum, the women lawyers who didn’t let Jalosjos get away with rape.

74. Flora and fauna. The sea cow (dugong), the tarsier, calamian deer, bearcat, Philippine eagle, sampaguita, ilang-ilang, camia, pandan, the creatures that make our archipelago unique.

75. Pilipino songs, OPM and composers: “Ama Namin,” “Lupang

Hinirang,” “Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal,” “Ngayon at
Kailanman,” “Anak,” “Handog,””Hindi Kita Malilimutan,” “Ang Pasko ay Sumapit”; Ryan Cayabyab, George Canseco, Restie Umali, Levi Celerio, Manuel Francisco, Freddie Aguilar, and Florante-living examples of our musical gift.

76. Metro Aides. They started out as Imelda Marcos’ groupies, but have gallantly proven their worth. Against all odds, they continuously prove that cleanliness is next to godliness-especially now that those darned candidates’ posters have to be scraped off the face of Manila!

77. Sari-sari store. There’s one in every corner, offering everything from bananas and floor wax to Band-Aid and bakya.

78. Philippine National Red Cross. PAWS. Caritas. Fund drives.

They help us help each other.

79. Favorite TV shows through the years: “Tawag ng Tanghalan,” “John and Marsha,” “Champoy,” “Ryan, Ryan Musikahan,” “Kuwarta o Kahon,” “Public Forum/Lives,” “Student Canteen,” “Eat Bulaga.” In the age of inane variety shows, they have redeemed Philippine television.

80. Quirks of language that can drive crazy any tourist listening in: “Bababa ba?” “Bababa!”

81. “Sayang!” “Naman!” “Kadiri!” “Ano ba!?” “pala.” Expressions that defy translation but wring out feelings genuinely Pinoy.

82. Cockfighting. Filipino men love it more than their wives (sometimes).

83. Dr. Jose Rizal. A category in himself. Hero, medicine man, genius, athlete, sculptor, fictionist, poet, essayist, husband, lover, samaritan, martyr. Truly someone to emulate and be proud of, anytime, anywhere.

84. Nora Aunor. Short, dark and homely-looking, she redefined our rigid concept of how leading ladies should look.

85. Noranian or Vilmanian. Defines the friendly rivalry between Ate Guy Aunor and Ate Vi Santos and for many years, the only way to be for many Filipino fans.

86. Filipino Christmas. The world’s longest holiday season. A perfect excuse to mix our love for feasting, gift-giving and music and wrap it up with a touch of religion.

87. Relatives and kababayan abroad. The best refuge against loneliness, discrimination and confusion in a foreign place. Distant relatives and fellow Pinoys readily roll out the welcome mat even on the basis of a phone introduction or referral.

88. Festivals: Sinulog, Ati-atihan, Moriones. Sounds, colors, pagan frenzy and Christian overtones.

89. Folk dances. Tinikling, pandanggo sa ilaw, kari?sa, kuratsa, itik-itik, alitaptap, rigodon. All the right moves and a distinct rhythm.

90. Native wear and costumes. Baro’t saya, tapis, terno, saya, salakot, bakya. Lovely form and ingenious function in the way we dress.

91. Sunday family gatherings. Or, close family ties that never get severed. You don’t have to win the lotto or be a president to have 10,000 relatives. Everyone’s family tree extends all over the archipelago, and it’s at its best in times of crisis; notice how food, hostesses, money, and moral support materialize during a wake?

92. Calesa and karitela. The colorful and leisurely way to negotiate narrow streets when loaded down with a year’s provisions.

93. Quality of life. Where else can an ordinary employee afford a stay-in helper, a yaya, unlimited movies, eat-all-you-can buffets, the latest fashion (Baclaran nga lang), even Viagra in the black market?

94. All Saints’ Day. In honoring our dead, we also prove that we know how to live.

95. Handicrafts. Shellcraft, rattancraft, abaca novelties, woodcarvings, banig placemats and bags, bamboo windchimes, etc. Portable memories of home. Hindi lang pang-turista, pang-balikbayan pa!

96. Pinoy greens. Sitaw. Okra. Ampalaya. Gabi. Munggo. Dahon ng Sili. Kangkong. Luya. Talong. Sigarillas. Bataw. Patani. Lutong bahay will never be the same without them.

97. OCWs. The lengths (and miles) we’d go for a better life for our family, as proven by these modern-day heroes of the economy.

98. The Filipino artist. From Luna’s magnificent “Spoliarium” and Amorsolo’s sun-kissed ricefields, to Ang Kiukok’s jarring abstractions and Borlongan’s haunting ghosts, and everybody else in between. Hang a Filipino painting on your wall, and you’re hanging one of Asia’s best.

99. Tagalog soap operas. From “Gulong ng Palad” and “Flor de Luna” to today’s incarnations like “Mula sa Puso”-they’re the story of our lives, and we feel strongly for them, MariMar notwithstanding.

100. Midnight madness, weekends sales, bangketas and baratillos.

It’s retail therapy at its best, with Filipinos braving traffic, crowds, and human deluge to find a bargain.

WORDS TO REMEMBER

WORDS TO REMEMBER

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears.

Sometimes when you are in pain no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your stress.

Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile...

But fart just one time and everybody knows!!
_______________________________________________________________________

A DAY IN HELL

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
_______________________________________________________________________

MEN ARE SO EASY

This was an actual "want ad" in The Atlanta Constitution.

Black Female seeks male companionship, Ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-**** and ask for Daisy.
.
.
.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old Black Labrador Retriever.

REAL 911 CALLS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one... What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one... What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one... Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one... What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm that not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one... What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running away from the police.

So you think you know everything?

*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

*A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

*A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

*A snail can sleep for three years.

*Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.

*All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

*Almonds are a member of the peach family.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

*Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't
appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

*Butterflies taste with their feet.

*Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs
only have about 10.

*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".

*February 1865 is the only month in recorded
history not to have a full moon.

*In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have
been domesticated.

*If the population of China walked past you, in
single file, the line would never end because of the
rate of reproduction.

*If you are an average American, in your whole life,
you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at
red lights.

*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

*Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

*Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.

*No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.

*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but
our nose and ears never stop growing.

*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

*"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with
only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

*The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.

*The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for
each gallon of diesel that it burns.

*The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar
melted in his pocket.

*The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog"uses every letter of the alphabet.

*The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid.

*The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the
same whether they are read left to right or right to
left (palindromes).

*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

*There are more chickens than people in the world.

*There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous":tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.

*There are two words in the English language that
have all five vowels in order: "abstemious"
and "facetious."

*There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones
Chewables Vitamins.

*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

*TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be
made using the letters only on one row of the
keyboard.

*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during a dance.

*Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

*Your stomach has to produce a new layer of
mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest
itself.

Listen Ladies ---- Men Have Feelings Too!!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules!
(Please note these are all numbered "1"... ON PURPOSE!)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big
girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need
it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on
this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays
and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us
frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -
tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you
want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is
what your girl friends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If we said something can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway;
it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell
us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need
directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you
are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags
are for you. I'm in shape. Round IS a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I
have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.


joke_joke_joke

If you have any of these problems, email me and I will be glad to help
The next time you feel like you have done something stupid on your computer, pull these out and realize that we definitely have different levels of "STUPID" when it comes to technology. Anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "aint seen nothing yet."
This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her Mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled Floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computers "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldnt be taken personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldnt find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but said that his computer still couldnt "see" the printer."

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computers mouse.

10.Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

11.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldnt even fit it in ....
" The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the plastic casing from the disk and wondered why there were problems.

13.True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldnt stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

And just when you thought it couldnt get any better heres two more:

14.A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

15.Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager
Customer: "I dont have a P. "
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "P on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "Im not going to do that!"


Stress Reliever # 1

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the
office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other
problem can
there be greater than this one?

Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any
worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at
this time of the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married
me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO
MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam:"let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his
parents."

Stress Reliever # 7

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her
roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered."He showed up with his
1932 Rolls
Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about
that?"
He was the original owner."


Stress Reliever # 8

In a tiny village lived an old maid.
In spite of her old age, she was still a
virgin. She was very
proud of it. She knew her last days were getting
closer, so she told
the local
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her
tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as avirgin."

Not long after that, the old maid died peacefully, and the
undertaker told
these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it
in, but as the
Lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be
unnecessarily
long. They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened."

Stress Reliever # 9

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word
"beans"..
My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up : "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever # 10

Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant.He is busy
all the time,
works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.

Stress Reliever # 11

Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe your
success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire : "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer : "Wow, she must be some woman. What were
you before you married her?"
Millionaire: A Billionaire"

YOUR NEW COMPUTER

hilarious.

==================================================================================

Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!



Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.





You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions:

Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **

** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.

funny stuff

my Dad sends me some funny stuff via email from time to time and i have been keeping it... i wanna post em here, one, for extra storage. and two, for Augee, mainly, to smile even for a while. =)

================================================================================

The Pharmacist
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
" Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.


Girls' Night Out
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me and the guy is egging me on
to try to top the, $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet . . .
What could I do????
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.


LEGLESS PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, " Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The customer offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, " Psssssssssssst!" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh, no!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


TRAIN CRASH
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.
Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger. "

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line.

St. Peter says "Madeline! What seem to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."


85-YEAR OLD MAN
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

HaHa - What were you thinking?

ANOTHER GOD JOKE
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.


A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith?

You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."


____________________________________________________________________________________
FUNNY

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
baldhead and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.



Bumper Stickers

Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes—use birth control.
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
O’Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free... Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Montana—At least our cows are sane!
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt—in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
No radio—Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to “stuff it”—I’m a taxidermist.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!”... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can’t hurt you... unless you fall off.
We’re not in jail, and I’m not your bitch, so get off my ass!

How To Respond To Pickup Lines

“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

“Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
“Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

“Is this seat empty?”
“Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

“So, wanna go back to my place?”
“Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

“Your place or mine?”
“Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

“I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”

“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”

“So what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a female impersonator.”

“What sign were you born under?”
“No Parking.”

“Hey, baby, What’s your sign?”
“Stop.”

“How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
“Unfertilized!”

“I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
“You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

“I know how to please a woman.”
“Then please leave me alone.”

“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

“I can tell that you want me.”
“Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you... to leave.”

“If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
“Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

“Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

“May I see you pretty soon?”
“Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

“Your body is like a temple.”
“Sorry, there are no services today.”

“I’d go through anything for you.”
“Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

“I would go to the end of the world for you.”
“Yes, but would you stay there?”

The Shit List
Ghost Shit
The kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit
The kind of shit where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but when you wipe your ass there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit
The kind of shit where you wipe your ass so many times, and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper up your asshole so you will not ruin your underwear with a nasty shit stain.
2nd Wave Shit
This happens when you are done shitting, pulled up your pants to your waist, and you have to shit some more.
Pop-a-Vein-in-Your-Head Shit
The kind of shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit where it is so huge you are affraid to flush it without breaking it into small pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Shit
The kind of shit so noisy, everyone in hearing range is giggling.
The Dangling Shit
The kind of shit that refuses to drop even though you are done shitting. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking; the most noticible trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet bowl.
Corn Shit
(Self Explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit
The kind of shit where you want to shit so bad, but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit
That is where it hurts so badly you could swear it was leaving your body sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit (Power Dump)
The kind of shit that comes out so fast your ass gets splashed with water.
Mexican Shit
The kind of shit that smells so bad your nose hairs burn off.
Upper Class Shit
The kind of shit that comes out perfectly: doesn’t touch the bottom of the toilet, doesn’t smell, and defies all laws of shitting.
Liquid Shit
The kind of shit where the yellow-brownish liquid shoots out of your asshole and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
The Never-ending Shit
The kind of shit that you feel it come out, look into the toilet bowl, see the beginning, but never see the end.
Five-Alarm-Fire Shit
This is when you take a Liquid Shit and it burns you asshole so badly that you want to take a 50 foot lawn hose, put it on full power and shove it all the way up your ass.
The Surprise Shit
That is when you are not even at the toilet because you are sure that you have to fart, but oops ... a piece of shit.

LORD, I'M A POOR MAN

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,

"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the river. I need it to make my living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,
and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with
Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with
my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason,
and for the benefit of others.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!



KINDS OF BREASTS

A family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father says ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a Woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.


FUNERAL PROCESSION

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."