I told myself a gazillion times before....
"no... i won't fall in love with him again."
"enough is enough.
i won't fall for the same crap again and again and again."
"i was hurt. ayoko na. pag sinabi kong ayoko, ayoko."
(to keiko: pag gutom, gutom!)
everybody else was saying.... "give him a chance."
"i gave him a hundred! you weren't there.... you cannot pressure me to give him a chance. i was the one who was hurt.... not once, not ten times.... but unimaginable. not just the women.... not just irresponsibility.... not just alcohol.... not just physically hurting you.... most of all, it was verbal abuse..."
i wanted to shout that to everyone who dares tell me what i should do... but i didn't. everyone's got a right to his/her opinion anyway.
i was hurt. i was battered. i was humiliated. i was put to shame.
when Anea's grades dropped, I realized, how many stupid, selfish times a day have I used the word "I"?
it wasn't just me who was hurt and humiliated along the way.
There was my family.... most of all... my kids.
i realized.... i don't care much about me. i can sacrifice everything for my kids. But no matter how i try, i couldn't see the new 'him'.
it was then when my mom finally told me.... "give him a chance, and try to see that he has changed... I can see that he had... why couldn't you? i know u were hurt, but so has he."
and then i realized, yes he was.
that's when i realized that NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME.
when he picked me up from work that night, I looked at him while he was driving. i was trying to remember what made me love this man. of course, there was his good looks. but there was something else.
i remembered almost everything. the way he parts my hair. the way he plays with my fingers when we were on a jeepney. the times he cooked me lunch every 4th of the month. the times he gave me flowers. the way he looks at men who he catches looking at my legs. and the way he cried, telling me how sorry he was.
but of course, i also remembered how he cried when he told me one night that he does not love me anymore. i also remembered the way he treats me everytime he gets jealous. i remembered the time when he told me he's in love with another woman, and that he wants us to part ways. i remembered how many times i caught him cheating.
God... i was in a bind.
I thought, how could I love this man again? whatever good that he did is being washed away by the hurt I feel.
There was only one thing I thought that I could do.
I told God that He has to help me find a way to see that Ronald has changed, even to some extent. He has to help me see that Ronald is also hurting... everytime I curse at him.... everytime I say that I don't love him anymore.... everytime I tell him that the only consolation I have in life is the thought that it is a known fact that men dies earlier than women, that my pain will only go away when he dies....
Yes, I have become somebody I was not. All the hurt, changed me. I was not the girl he met. I was not the girl who takes everything that was given to her. I was not the girl that he loved.
The next day when he picked me up, I smiled at him.
The next day, I let him touch me.
The next day, I let him kiss me.
The next day, I kissed him back.
The next day....
One proof that God hears me. =)
Of course, there's a lot that needs to change. there will be sacrifices along the way. I will get hurt and so will he.
There will be fights, no doubt about it.
But when Anea became Top 1 in class, and Top 3 in all Grade 3, I realized, it was worth it. No matter how many times I cry at night, when my kids are happy, so will I be.
It will take time, i know.
We still fight to which he apologizes immediately eventhough it was my fault. I still curse at him, to which he just sighs and take deep breaths, and tells me that it hurts him.
He still needs to take a class on Responsibilities 101 and Fatherhood, and a course in Making Your Wife Happy.
But I figured, we're still young... life is learning along the way...
most importantly: we have all the time in world...
Anea is now Top 2 in her class, and Top 4 in all Grade 3.