Friday, December 31, 2004

naiyak ako kagabi.

naisip ko kasi:

pano na pag umalis sila mama at papa?

wala na akong kasabay kumain.
wala na akong kasamang manood ng dalawang sine straight.
wala ng magaalaga ng anak ko.
wala na akong kasamang kakain sa iba-ibang fastfood sa glorietta.
wala ng gagawa ng computer pag nasira.
wala ng magda-download ng games sa computer.
wala ng magkukwento kung anong ginawa ng mga anak ko buong araw.
wala na akong kakampi pag may umaway sa kin.
wala ng magbabayad ng kuryente, tubig, telepono (patay!).

maraming mawawala.

pero naisip ko, di naman sila mawawala eh...

malalayo lang.

meron namang email, telepono, at YM...

siguro naman, hindi ganun kahirap pag nasanay na ko... kami.

sana lang maging okay sila sa amerika... sana hindi sila magkasakit dun, o kaya mawalan ng pera, o kaya mastranded sa subway (?), o kaya di makakuha ng taxi, o kaya mapagkamalang hapon, o kaya mahuling nagje-jaywalking, o kaya ma-snatch-an ng cellphone...

hay... ewan.

bahala na si batman.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

singhot.

bakit ba naimbento ang singhot? well, syempre naman kasi reflex kumbaga. pag may sipon na tutulo, dapat suminghot. Potek... ang sakit na ng ulo ko kakasinghot at kakasinga... pakiramdam ko nagsusugat na ilong ko!!!

kanino ba ko nahawa ng sakit na ito??? naging kamukha ko tuloy si Heidee Yorac... para akong ni-yorac-an, in other words...

badtrif ang magkasakit... di mo magawa ang mga gusto mo... like edit blog templates! har-har-har... meron po kasi akong natagpuang mga cuteness na GIFs na bagay sa blog ng honey ko... kaso, wala akong ganang mag-edit today, at maghost ng kung ano-anong achuchuchus... feeling ko, i'm so pakd up!

to meyk matters worserer, huling lamay ng tyuhin ko later... so kelangang andun kame... ike-cremate na sya bukas ng umaga... syempre naman, absent ako bukas.

kelangan kong magdala ng sandamakmak na kleenex... potek, yumayaman na sa kin ang Kimberly-Clark...

bakit kaya pag may sipon ako, gusto ko ng maasim? ganon ata talaga eh... kung anong kelangan ng katawan mo (vitamin c), yun din ang hahanapin ng katawan mo... so kung feeling mo eh, gusto mo ng maligo... GO!!! ibig lang sabihin nun, nangangalingasaw ka na...

hay... tama na to...

gist of the story: may sakit po ako.
current mood: sick and mourning
current song: she's the one, robbie williams
current prayer: good lowrd! ayoko na!!! gusto ko ng matulog! wah!

*singhot*

Monday, December 27, 2004

i fear death.

Not my own, but my loved ones. Call me selfish, but i'd rather die ahead of them. I can't stand thinking that i'd be seeing my loved ones lifeless in a coffin.

That's the main reason why i don't want my parents to go abroad. Matanda na sila. Ang akin, mas kelangan na magkakasama kaming pamilya.

Well, enough paranoia.

========================================

Maraming nangyari kahapon. Hindi ko maiyak ng todo. Mas iniisip ko kasi yung pagkamatay ng tito ko. Hindi yung mga personal kong problema. Baka kasi pag sinabi ko pa sa nanay ko, mas lalo pang maapektuhan ito.

Masakit yung nangyari. Akala ko kasi ok na. Marami akong inakala.

May kasalanan din ako. Pero nadala lang yun ng galit at asar na naramadaman ko nung pasko.

Naghalfday ako ngayon sa opisina kasi nga unang-una, namatay si Tito Mike. Out of respect para sa mommy ko, dapat dumamay muna ako. Pangalawa, di ko kinayang pumasok dahil sa sama ng loob.

Pero pumasok ako ng half day, kasi gusto ko ng umiyak (wala pa dun yung dahilang double-pay ngayon dahil holiday). Di kasi ako makaiyak sa bahay kasi ayokong dagdagan problema nila.

Pagdating ko sa office, nagkwento na ko kay Keiko. Dun ko na nalabas yung sama ng loob ko. Dun na ko bumigay.

Di ko alam kung anong mangyayari. Kung kakayanin ko pa ulit.

Asar. Bakit pa kasi pinauso ni Lord ang paga-asawa.

=============================================

Nagka-tsunami sa Asya. Ano ba? Kelan ba titigil ang kamatayan at sakuna? Ganito na lamang ba ang galit sa tin ng tadhana? Nampucha naman eh. Paskong-pasko. Simbolo ng pagkabuhay. Bakit maraming namatay?

Ewan ko. Iiyak na lang muna ko.

Ba-bye na.

Miguel "Mike" Cornejo

Our Tito Mike, mommy's brother, joined our Creator today, the day after Christmas at the age of 60. Wake will be held at the Veronica Funeral Homes. Cremation on December 30th, 1pm at the Holy Trinity Chapel along Sucat.

Please pray for the eternal repose of his soul.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

meli klismas nga ba?

ano'ng nangyari noong pasko?
puro nakakaasar.

umiyak ba ko?
oo naman. ako pa?! maraming nakakaasar na nangyari. bwishet!
-di niya nabili ng shoes ang mga bata
-di niya na-charge ang batteries ng digicam
-di ko sya kasama ng 24 (nasa haus nila) at 25 (inuna ang trabaho)
-paguwi niya galing ng trabaho, inuna ang friend
-pagtawag niya sa kin kanina, inunanan ko ung cel
-di niya ko binigyan ng gift kahit man lang card (di thoughtful, hmp)
-sabi niya bibili na lang daw kme kc d niya alam kung ano gusto ko
-kulet ng mga anghel
-mga nakainom na kapatid
-last xmas nila mama at papa dito sa pinas
-sipon at ubo
-mga kapitbahay na nagpaputok kahit di bagong taon
-walang nagbigay sa kin ng PalmZire72 (as if)

may natanggap ba kong regalo?
bag - mom
bracelets - kuya dudei
chinese slippers - tish
house slippers that won't fit so i gave it to Anea - belyn
almond roca cookies - julie
pastries - joanne
chopsticks - keiko
mug - rocky
atbp.

may nagawa ba kong kalokohan?
meron! pati si keiko dinamay ko! ayma tif! haha!

naka-ilang mura ako nung pasko?
di ko mabilang.

AT MARAMI PANG IBA...

=====================================

CURRENT MOOD: asar sa sipon
CURRENT SONG: something on Animax
CURRENT PRAYER: Lord, take care of my parents next Christmas


Friday, December 24, 2004

apprehensions on clear snow

Pasko na naman. Marami nang nagdaan. Marami na ring Pasko na malungkot ako. Na magtatago muna sa kwarto para umiyak. Pero marami na ring Pasko na masaya rin naman. Na kumpleto buong pamilya pagpatak ng alas dose.

Sa susunod na Pasko, di na namin kasama magulang namin. Sa States na sila magpa-Pasko. Siguro, magwa-YM na lang kami at that time para naman may presence pa rin.

Ewan ko kung anong mangyayari sa bahay pag alis nila. Magulo. Dalawa kasi kaming magkapatid ang maiiwan. Nakakailang. Di tulad noon na may back-up ako... parents ko. I can do whatever I want. Pero, now that the responsibility was given to my brother... ewan ko. Mahihiya na kong gumalaw dun. Basta. Di ko pdeng ilagay dito ang lahat ng apprehensions ko.

Ewan. Bahala na.

Current Mood: pensive, but merry
Current Song: Coldplay
Current Prayer: Lord, pakisabi kay Jesus, Happy Birthday!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

a million curses

Potah. Punyeta. Gago. Tado. Leche. Fuck. Shit.

Ayoko ng magmura. Di naman ako nagmumura kasi may minumura ako. Nagmumura ako kasi gusto ko lang. Nagiging 'expression' ko ang pagmumura. Pangit. Di ko gusto, pero nasanay na ko.

Sabi ko, di na ko magmumura... maraming nagsasabi ng:

"yeah, right."
"As if!"

Maraming ayaw maniwala. Di ko raw kaya. Pero kelangan kayanin ko. Di lang para sa kin, kundi para sa mga anak ko.

Narealize ko lang ang impact ng pagmumura sa buhay ko nung narinig ko ang anak kong 3 years old na magmura, complete with the middle finger pa. OMG. At sino ang minura niya? Kapatid ko!

Syempre nagalit ako, pero sabi ng nanay ko, sa kin daw nakukuha ng anak ko yun. Dun ko lang na-realize... i'm a bad example. The last time I heard him, sabi niya "tanging ina mo!" at nung tiningnan ko cya, sabi niya, "o, hindi yun mura... kanta yun ni Ai-Ai!" Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako. Tatlong taon pa lang!!! Wah!!!

Kaya sabi ko, this new year, di na dapat ako magmumura. Keiko wants to try if she could do it, too.

So, we are experiencing 'withdrawal symptoms' as of this writing. Whenever we say a curse, i say 'ding-ding-ding!'

As of today, i have uttered 7 curses already. Grrr!!!!

Current Mood: Sick (paki-scratch throat ko... kati eh...)
Current Music: None
Current Prayer: Lord, help me hold my tongue.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Black is back.

Ever wondered how it feels to try being what you are not?

I tried being pa-girl in this blog for a few days. But somehow, pink and blue just doesn't cut it. Di ko kinaya yung sobrang cuteness.

I am a person of contradiction. Much like Keiko, we use cute things, we say cute words, we are sickeningly sweet. But much to everyone's surprise, we are black.

Our feelings and how we think are just... black.

Hopeless. Angst. Pity. Anger. Madness.

All black.

I can stand using cute things. Covering our loved ones in chocolate-flavored sweetness. But not on a blog. It's too personal. Our blogs revealed our inner selves. This is where we do not think of what anyone would think. This is ours. This is where our souls show.

And it's bleak. It's black.

p.s.

Why 'Torn Apart'?

Because i always am.

nalungkot naman ako.

my mom texted me just now that they already received their immigrant visas. they were given until May 30 to leave the Philippines.

*sniff*

Current Mood: see title
Current Song: something Avril Lavigne
Current Prayer: Lord, take care of my parents when they go live in another country.

p.s.
BAKIT BAGO? basta lang. i feel like being black today.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

all pruned up

Your Boobies' Names Are: The Blind Melons




dried up prunes are more like it...

Changes

kanina, pinaguusapan namin ni Keiko kung ano ang magiging New Year's Resolution and what we need to do this 2005. The list not only contains personal, spiritual, but also physical attributes that I have to do and change next year.

Hay... ang hirap isipin na tatanda na ko. hehe. well, here is the rundown for mine:

-Number one on the list is to stop cursing. Not minimize... STOP.
-eat less, lose 20 pounds
-go to Church again
-look at the positive side of things and people's positive traits
-after i lose weight, wear girlie clothes
-magpa-GIRL!!!
-practice wearing high-heeled closed shoes
-practice wearing skirts with stockings
-wear make-up again
-save money to pay all debts
-since I know no kind-hearted soul will give me a Palm this Christmas, save enough money to buy one
-go to the freaking dentist
-learn how to cook!!!
-clean my room every two days
-clean the electric fans every week
-enrol at PNU for M.A.
-organize my things, throw away stuff
-look for a teaching job
-take care of my hair
-buy more clothes (contradiction to save more money)
-buy more shoes (again, contradiction)
-change eyewear (kontra, kontra...)
-practice spokening in English
-feed my birds everyday
-enrol Arolf and Anton to a good school
-buy an English-Tagalog, Tagalog-English dictionary
-teach my kids personal care
-minimize shouting
-enrol the kids in worthwhile summer activities
-continue blogging!!!

Hay nako... sobrang dami pa... yan pa lang naiisip ko for now... yoko na ring lagay ung mga too personal... hehe.

You may wander why I have to go through physical changes. It's because if all goes well and I get a teaching job, I have to look like one. A cooler version, though. =)

=================================

Today, the reps were given FACTA access!!! (sabi nga ni Augee) It's umfer... too umfer! But what can we do??? Hay...

=================================

Dami ko ng napapalampas na good movies.... ano buzz????? kulang ako sa time!!!

=================================

May pasok kami ng 24, 27, 30, at 31...

=================================

I have 15 more gifts to buy!!! But how?

=================================

I wish I came to Dale's Christmas Party... But how?

=================================

Current Mood: so-so
Current Song: Push
Current Prayer: Almighty, help me to commit faithfully to my resolutions...

Monday, December 20, 2004

Parties and Manic Mondays

Arolf's party went well. Nothing much. We just followed what he wanted.

I was contemplating on whether to go or not to go to the company Christmas party. My mom wanted me to go so I can experience it. My brother wanted me to go 'coz there might be goodies to be raffled away.

He was right. They gave away lots of prizes and I did not win. Hehe.

But it was fun. I had lots of it naman. I just wish Ces was there to party with.

=========================================

To say that I hate Mondays is an understatement.

First 2 Words that came out of my mouth when I woke up:
'P**** I**!'

I woke up at exactly 7am... my work starts at 7:15.

Series of events happened that made me curse the day and many people.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

I'm not the only one suffering from chronic Mondayhatedness. Keiko has it, too. And God knows how many other people.

=========================================

Gist of the story: none
Mood: tired and sleepy
Music: none
Prayer: God, I wish I won that pocket pc!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

12/16/04; 9PM

Rabies is a virus that can affect any warm-blooded animal; whenever someone is bitten by an animal, the chance of rabies exists. Rabies primarily attacks the nervous system and causes an encephalitis. The virus is transmitted in saliva from the bite of an infected animal. The incubation period prior to clinical signs is extremely variable, but is usually two-to-eight weeks. The virus will begin shedding in saliva a short time before clinical signs develop, usually less than 10 days.

For both humans and domestic animals, the primary source of rabies is the bite of a rabid wild animal. The most common of these are skunk, raccoon, bat, and fox. Currently, the number of cats infected with rabies has surpassed that of dogs. The main reasons are that there are now more cats than dogs and cats tend to roam more often.

Clinical signs

There are three phases to the course of the disease: prodromal, furious, and paralytic. Death occurs three to-seven days from the onset of signs.

The prodomal stage lasts two-to-three days. The signs can include behavioral changes, fever, slow eye reflexes, and chewing at the bite site.

The furious stage lasts two-to-four days. During this stage, signs of erratic behavior may include irritability, restlessness, barking, aggression, vicious attacks on inanimate objects, and unexplained roaming. Disorientation and seizures may also develop.

The paralytic stage lasts two-to-four days, during which signs of paralysis develop, usually beginning in the limb that was bitten. Paralysis of the throat and face cause a change in the bark, drooling with typical foaming at the mouth, and a dropped jaw. These signs are followed by depression, coma, and death from respiratory paralysis.

Once clinical signs develop, there is no treatment.

Prevention in pets

All dogs and cats should be vaccinated against rabies according to local rules and regulations. Wild animals kept as pets should never be vaccinated, and contact with wild animals should be avoided. The recommendations for a pet bitten by a wild animal or a known rabid animal are as follows:

If the pet has been vaccinated, re-vaccinate and quarantine for 90 days. If the pet has not been vaccinated, euthanize and submit tissue for rabies testing. If the owner is unwilling to euthanize the pet, it should be strictly quarantined for six months with vaccination one month prior to release.

As strict as this protocol sounds, it is the proper procedure to ensure that no one else is infected with this deadly disease.

Prevention in people

People should also avoid wild animal contact. A skunk, raccoon, or fox walking down the street in broad daylight is not out to play; obviously the animal is sick and rabies should be the first disease on the list of possibilities.

If a person is bitten by an animal that is healthy and properly vaccinated, the animal must be quarantined for 10 days. If the bite is from a wild animal, it should be euthanized and submitted for testing. Unfortunately, the wild animal often escapes and cannot be tested. If escape occurs, a physician should decide if the victim should undergo post-exposure prophylaxis. Rabies post-exposure vaccines are given on days zero, three, seven, 14, and 28 following the bite. It is critical to keep pets vaccinated against this disease. Please contact your local veterinarian or health department for vaccine protocols. This is one disease we can and must control.

=================================================================

Brandy, Monching's dog. Anton hit him. Provocation. Dr. said can't stitch 'em up. Protocol. Vaccinations. 4 more to go. 2 Maxicare cards. 1 card only covers 1st vaccine, the other covers the rest. 15T.

Anton was brave. Dada was furious. I was shaking.

what a way to spend Yuletide season.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Kumain ako sa Red Ribbon mag-isa.

Ito ang hitsura ng mesa pagkatapos kong kumain. Nakakalungkot. Parang gusto kong sumigaw ng "I'm so alone!!!"

Sobrang pagod ang naranasan ko nitong linggo. Masayang mahirap ang Pasko. Sino ba naman kasi ang nag-imbento ng pagbibigay ng regalo tuwing Pasko? Di ba dapat tuwing kaarawan lang? Eh sino ba ang may bertdey non? Tayo bang lahat? Hay...

Naiinis ako. Gusto ko syang sigawan... gusto ko syang yugyugin at gisingin sa pagkakahimbing. Gusto kong sabihin na tulungan naman niya ko... hindi lang sa pambili... andun na rin yung pagod at pagiisip ng kung ano ang ireregalo ko sa mga taong malapit sa amin... sa mga kaklase at mga guro ng mga bata...

Nampucha, ang hirap. Gustuhin ko man na bigyan sila ng magandang regalo na nakabalot pa sa makintab na palara, hindi ko kaya. Limitado ang kakayanan ko. Tuwang-tuwa nga ako ng may nakita akong 'cute' na kwaderno na siyam na piso lang! May libre pa itong 'keychain.'

'Aha!' naisip ko. Meron na kong ireregalo sa mga kaklase ng mga anak ko.

Meron din akong nakitang mga abaniko na limampung piso sa anim na piraso. Galeng... May regalo na mga titser ng anak ko.

Haha. Ang buhay nga naman. Naghihirap na nga, gumagasta pa rin. Di talaga mapigil sa mga Pinoy ang tradisyon. Sabi nga 'we're a slave to tradition.' Parang Fiesta Syndrome. Tuwing pyesta, nakow! Mangungutang pa sa payb-siks para lang makapaghanda, makapagpangatay ng tatlong baboy at labinlimang manok!

Ang tanong: Napapansin ba nila ang tunay na diwa na kapaskuhan?

Di ko yan masasagot. Ang alam ko lang yung dating ako, hindi ko nakikita 'pag Pasko. Yung maramot, puro sarili ang iniisip, masungit na ako... sumasantabi muna.... Hm... Marahil nga, yun ang diwa ng Pasko.

Aminado akong alipin ako ng tradisyon. Mas masaya, mas maganda. Mas makintab, mas bongga. Sana lang, sa susunod na Pasko, may katuwang na ko.

p.s.
ang sarap ngumata ng 'popcorn.'

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Matanda na ko.

hay... I dread the day that I will turn 30. Malapit na... Sa susunod na taon, tatlumpung taon na kong nabubuhay sa mundo.

At ano naman ang narating ko sa buhay? Sa aking paniniwala, wala po akong narating. Nalungkot ako kahapon dahil nakita ko sa Friendster ang dati kong kaklase sa kolehiyo. Pucha, HR Head na ito.

Eh, ako? Ang iniisip ko, ironic. Nagtapos kami na nangunguna ako. Graduated with honors... pero, ano?

Eto, eRep.

Pero naisip ko kanina lamang, bakit ko ikukumpara ang sarili ko sa iba? Naisip ko, marami rin pala akong nagawa... marami ring narating. Hindi ko nga lang nakita. O, siguro, piniringan ko ang aking mga mata, sinarado ito dahil nasilaw sa nakikitang hindi kaaya-aya.

Hindi naging importante sa paningin ko na nagkaroon ako ng tatlong matatalinong anak. O, yung pagpasa ko ng LET. O, yung pag-aaral ko ng ibang kurso. Inakala ko na ang katayugan ay nakikita sa dami ng pera sa bulsa, o sa mga letrang nakakabit sa dulo ng iyong pangalan tulad ng M.D. at PhD.

Sabi ko nga, none are so blind as they that won't see.

Dapat eksperto ako dito. Pero, ganun talaga eh. Kadalasan, yung maganda at tama, hindi ko makita. Blinded by angst and self-pity? Siguro.

Kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko:
"Achie, next year think happy thoughts so you can fly."

Ergo, lilipad ako sa isang taon. Hindi yung sobrang taas na pwede akong malula at himatayin at paglaon ay bumagsak. Lilipad ako sa taas na kaya ko, at yung kaya pa ring abutin ng ibang nagmamasid ng aking paglayag.

Marami akong dapat baguhin sa buhay ko. Maraming dapat isaayos. Sana sa isang taon makamit ko na. Makita ko na yung hinahanap ko.

Sana ay di ko makalimutang tanggalin ang piring sa mga mata ko.

p.s.
opisyal nang ubos ang 13th month pay ko.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Bakit kailangang tumahimik?

Naalala ko ang lolo ko ngayon. Matalino yun... Sya tagagawa ko ng mga compositions noon. Mga english assignments at declamations.

Parating pa lang yun, tinatakbo ko na, sabay sabi ng "Papa, pengeng pepong!" With matching palad pa.

Sabi ng lolo ko, "speak when it is improper to be silent, and be silent when it is improper to speak.

Sa mundo natin, kelangang alam mo daw kung kelan ka kailangang tumahimik. Kung pwede namang isaloob mo na lang ang nasa isip mo, sana wag mo ng ibahagi sa iba.
Kung sa tingin mo, may masasaktan, solohin mo na lang.

Pero syempre, meron ding mga bagay na dapat ay imungkahi mo. Lalo na kung sa tingin mo ay ikasasalba ng isang relasyon.

Hm... he's got a point. In Tagalog, sya ay may turo. Kanina lang merong insidente sa opisina that will best justify that.

===================================================

Pero sabi rin ng lolo ko, "Wag kang maniwala agad sa sabi-sabi..."

Ang tanong:
So, paniniwalaan ko ba sinabi ng lolo ko?

===================================================

pe.pong (pangngalan) - pera, datung, barya

Di ako bihasang mag-ingles.

Tawag nga nila dun 'ironic' kasi pumasa akong guro ng Ingles. Nakakatawa din kasi nagtatrabaho ako sa isang 'call center.'

Ewan ko. Siguro, dahil hindi ako lumaki sa isang pamilyang nagsasalita nito palagi.
Pwede ring dahilan ang hindi ko pagpasok sa isang pribadong paaralan noong nasa elementarya pa lamang ako. Sabi nga nila, and pundasyon ng kaalaman ay makukuha mo sa elementarya.

Ngunit nakakapagtaka rin kung bakit hindi ako bihasang magsalita ng Filipino. Sa eksamen nga laging mababang marka ang nakukuha ko. Di ko mawari kung paano ko iintindihin ang mga pandiwa at pantukoy gayong mas sanay ako pag ito ay sinalin sa ingles.

Kung hindi ingles at hindi rin Filipino. Ano? 'Taglish' siguro. Halintulad na lang sa paggamit kong wika sa 'blog' na ito.

Marami kasing mga salitang ingles na mahirap isalin sa Filipino. At marami ring mga salita na hindi ko maisalin sa ingles sa panahong nag-iisip ako ng sasabihin.
Tawag ata dun eh 'at a loss for words.' Ayun. Palagi akong nawawalan ng salita.

Hindi ko gusto ang maging plastic at maging 'trying hard' sa pag-ingles. Kaya inaamin ko sa sandaling hindi ko alam. Ang estilo ko, imumungkahi ko sa mga magaaral ang salitang Filipino, at itatanong ko sa kanila ang salitang kasingkahulugan nito sa ingles. Sana lamang sa isang klase na nabubuo ng apatnaput'lima ay merong isang mabait na nilalang na may alam nito. Kaya dapat, magdala na lamang ako ng diksyonaryong tagalog-ingles.

Aminado naman ako na hindi ko alam ang lahat ng bagay. Kapag nalaman kasi na ikaw ay guro, ang nasa isipan ng lahat dapat ay matalino ka. Hindi po. Ang pagiging guro ay nadadala sa paghahanda. Kaya may tinatawag na 'lesson plan.'

Kapag alam mo na ang ituturo mo sa mga magaaral, dapat ay mag-aral ka rin kahit isang araw bago ka magturo. Babalikan mo ang mga napag-aralan mo nung ikaw naman ang estudyante. Pati mga salitang mahihirap alamin ang kahulugan, kinakailangan
ay hanapin mo na sa diksyonaryo.

Hindi ko alam ang lahat. Ang tanging alam ko ngayon, tao lamang ako. Nadadala sa mga impluwensyang gaya ng 'taglish, slang, & colloquial mentality.'

Ako ay isang taong makatotohanan. Ihalintulad mo na lang sa pagsagot sa tanong na
"is the glass half-empty or half-full?"

Para sa akin, hunghang ang nag-isip ng tanong na ito. Pasintabi po. Walang personalan. Baka manuno ako sa punso.

Kapag ikaw ba ay bumili ng isang basong 'Coke' sa isang restawran, at binigyan ka ng nagsisilbi nito at nakita mong kalahati lamang, matutuwa ka ba at iisipin mong "hanep. kalahating puno ang 'Coke' ko." Hm... Aminin!

Ang sa akin, itanong mo na lamang ng diretso kung ang tao ay 'pessimistic or optimistic.' Marami pang paligoy-ligoy.

Ako, aminado. Mas marami akong negatibong naiisip kaysa sa positibo. Lalo na sa sarili ko. Pero, mas positibo ako kapag ang buhay ng ibang tao ang nakalagay sa palad ko. Ang lagi kong iniisip, habang may buhay... may pag-asa. Hindi ba, Keiko?

Bakit po ako nagisip ng ganito? Hindi ko po alam. Wala na naman pong saysay ang naisip ko.

Sabi nga ng nanay ko:
"Aanhin pa ang damo, kung tapos na ang 'It Might Be You'."

Bow.

===============================

p.s.
pumanaw na po si Fernando Poe, Jr. sa edad na animnaput'lima. Sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Ano'ng Nangyari?

Nyay! Christmas is here!

Of course, a lot will ask me why I changed my background... and a lot won't like it, too... hehehehe....

Since it's Christmas, I thought of sprucing it up. It summarizes what I do, what I feel, and what I eat during Christmas time! Just imagine the tree, the ponsettias (tama ba spelling?), christmas glitter balls, and green teas at night, mocchas at midnight!

Plus, I've been 'mourning' for a long time now... time for a change... medyo happy naman ako, so pde. hehe. There should have been snowflakes falling, pero bumabagal yung site eh. So, di ko na tinuloy...

Anyway, knowing me, this will not last long... New Year, new background! hehehe.

=============================================

My whole body hurts! Pati ata kuko ko, masakit!

We went to CCP again for a few rounds of badminton, and bicycling yesterday. Asar ako kahapon pero ayoko ng ikwento. ayoko na ring maalala. petty lang naman.

=============================================

CURRENT SONG:
Room In Your Heart, Mike Francis
CURRENT MOOD:
Achy
CURRENT MUNCHIES:
Mister Donuts' Muffin
PRAYER FOR AROLF DELANO's FIGHT AGAINST AUTISM:
Lord, how awesome to consider that nothing is impossible with you. In the difficult times when circumstances are overwhelming, remind us that to declare that something is hopeless is to declare that we have a helpless God. Help us to trust you even when the situation seems beyond remedy and to remember that nothing is impossible with you. You are bigger than any mountain we face, and you are working on Arolf's behalf. Thank you, Lord, for giving us the strength to stand through each trial. We choose today to trust you for victory!
In Jesus' name, Amen.
♥ Courtesy of www.ChildrenOfDestiny.org

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Badminton, Baclaran and Jawdrops

Yesterday, Dada, Mama, the kids, and I went to CCP for a morning churva (i dunno what to call it!).


The kids rented bikes and Dada rented badminton rackets. We haven't tried it before and since it is the fad nowadays, he told me we should try it.

I haven't tried badminton. NEVER. So, I was eager to learn.

Mama and I tried it out first while Dada went for a run. It was so funny since both of us are newbies. Mama told me that badminton pala is really good exercise.
we'll get tired of picking up the tingamajig... potek, i forgot what it was called... shuttle cock?! yes, that's it.

We are having difficulty since we do not have any form of exercise... pity us.
Well, at least Mama goes to Slimmer's World every now and then where she is a lifetime member.

Ako, Wala!!!! Even when I was a kid, i don't know any outside games.
I was sheltered and did not go out of the house often. I don't know how to swim, or how to ride a bike. Pity, pity, pity me....

Well, after a while naman we were getting the hang of it, and started hitting the cock (funny!) back and forth. Hahaha!

Then it was Dada's turn, who, like us have not played badminton in years. He joked and told me to hit it hard and go fast, and went on an Agassi stance. It was so funny.

He was getting on my nerves coz he's so mayabang. He always snorts or says nasty remarks. Typical male. Hehehe. But of course, he gets more ribbing when he doesn't hit the cock. He stopped when I told him to stop or else it's his cock I'm gonna hit. hahahaha!

We were having fun when Dale asked us to go home already coz he wants to jerby.
Of course, we all went home immediately.

Mama and I agreed to play badminton often to serve as my exercise.

After lunch, Mama, Archie (our helper) and I went to Baclaran, and bought a lot of goodies. Anea's undies for 255/dozen, and P.E. rubbershoes which I got for only 160 pesos. Hahaha. The stuff there are so cheap talaga! Mama saw the gifts she bought at the Landmark there, and the P28.00 stuff she bought was only P12.00 there. She almost cried. Hahahaha.

I got cute white slip-ons for 250. Dale and Anton's matching polo with shorts for 150/set. A lot of cute hairclips for Anea, 5 pairs for 35 and 21 pesos. Also this very cute Hello Kitty hair tie for 28 each which I saw at a mall for 45. Hankies for 78/dozen.

Haay... I wish I had more money to spend! A lot of things to buy, so little cash...

====================================

Well, after that we also went to Masagana which is just a nice walk from our house. I bought a nice black shirt for 120, 2 pairs of cheap badminton rackets for 55/pair. 2 shuttle cocks, 2 toy jeeps that i'm gonna give as presents, 3 pairs of bras, and Archie's blouse that she picked up as a gift from me.

====================================

When we got home, Dada called me and told me he will be going to a friend's house for a birthday party. His words were, "magpapaalam" sya. I almost choked. It was years ago since he asked me for permission to go out. And I said, "oh. okay?" in a jaw-drop-kinda-not-sure-what-to-say look. Good thing he couldn't see me. Haha.

====================================

I was sooooo tired.

That night we were watching tv, and my eyes were drooping already, so I slept ahead of my kids. "Patawad mga anak, but nanay is so sleepy... Aileen, look after them for me..." were my last words last night. I think.

====================================

p.s.
lapit ng maubos 13th month pay ko. sniff*

Friday, December 10, 2004

Reaction to Keiko's Post

Since I cannot comment from here to your blog....

=============================

Bakit nga ba sinisipon 'pag umiiyak, ha Keiko? The reason for that only the Creator knows. Even if doctors and scientists tell you why, they can never answer all your questions.

I may not know everything, but there's one thing I do know:

A man who makes you cry is not worth your tears.

Buti na lang, he does not make you cry. The situation was the reason you were crying.
And it is very hard to escape from all situations involving love and an unborn life.

All things considered, you will get through.

I have. So will you.

Anea's Wishlist

When I saw Anea's wishlist listed on her blog, i felt a little sad.

She wanted more attention. I asked her what it meant. And she said that it seems like everything is about Dale or Anton. She felt that nothing is about her.

At that time, I asked myself... Was I not giving her the attention she needed?

I am not so sure.

Yes, I admit that when Dale was younger, I gave more attention to him, especially when we knew that he had autism.

But to be fair to me, I did not forget that I have a daughter. I thought about the times that I gave her this, and bought her that.

But, I guess material things does not count here. And I think that I've been giving her material things especially when she's doing good in school. Reward kind of things.

If you knew my daughter, you'd think that she's the most sensitive brat there was.
She is. Even her teachers tell her so. She is so sensitive that she takes petty things seriously. She's a perfectionist. Much like her dad. And that thought scares me.

It seems that no matter what I do, It's still not enough for her. I am thinking of what I should do to make her understand that it isn't possible to give her all the attention that she wants.

I find myself telling her that she is not the only child I have. That I also need to tend to her brothers.

Well, one thing I do know. However she's been acting, I am so proud to have her as a daughter. Her traits are the reason she's doing okay in school. Being a perfectionist does not stop her from attaining her goal.

I hope she feels that I love her more than life itself.

============================================

I went to SunCel yesterday, and lo and behold! The fone is not yet available.
Misleading website advertisement!

When I told Anea, she was disappointed. Anea wanted to have a fone so much and wanted my fone!

So, I told her that while we're waiting for the fone to be made available, to ask all her Aunts and Uncles that instead of material things, they can give her cash instead. I told her not to spend it, and as soon as she saves 3T bucks already (or so, of course I can pay for the remainder if she does not complete it), we're gonna get the fone if its available already.

She wants my fone, and the new fone will be mine. She said she does not want to be tied to a plan. She said she does not have the means to pay the 250 bucks a month.
She'd rather have mine which is Smart prepaid so she can also ask her Aunts and Uncles for PasaLoad. Hahaha. Smartass!

Even if she does not have a piggy bank yet, she promised to be more responsible with regards to finances. She wants to learn how to save. Buti naman.

Nope, this is not the reward kind of thing. This is not to make up for what she asks of me, this is just my daughter asking me for a fone. Plain and simple.

============================================

p.s.
i'm feeling a little unwell for no reason at all.
Keiko is feeling low.
What's the world coming to?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Christmas Na!

When I was on my way here, I was shivering from the cold.
Feeling Baguio! Sarap!

Indication that Christmas is really here. We can't deny it anymore.

I find it very hard to find complete happiness this season,
what with all the disasters, calamities and deaths.
But I still find something to be thankful for.

A lot of people have been questioning God's will
because of these disasters.
They were also asking me if I believed in God.

And to put a cork in it, yes, I do.

I believe that there is one Almighty who is the mover of all things.
Who created heaven, hell, and the earth.

I just don't know who he is.

I believe in Jesus, and his miracles.

Do I go to church? Not always.

I believe that prayer is not going to church and listening to
his words through a priest, who is also human.
I believe that prayer is conversing with your God, answering his questions.

The one question that my God have been asking me always is this:

How was your day?

And I find myself telling him.
I find myself crying to him at night if I need to.
I find release.

I do not go to church often because I believe that my God is everywhere.
He is there, but I chose not to listen to priests' homilies.

Why?

Not one priest has ever asked me how my day was.

==============================

I am thinking of changing to Sun Cellular.
It is possible that I might have to have a solar-enabled fone
before I can get a signal, but their fones are so much affordable
than Smart's or Globe's.

Anea wants a fone for Christmas, and I thought that I can
just change to Sun and give her my fone. Hm...
But, there's my Dad who'll go freaky when he finds out.
Fones are not necessities. Especially for a 9-year old.
But, Anea is doing her best in school, and I believe that
it is just time for us to give her something she really
really wants for Christmas.

I was also thinking of just giving my fone to Dada,
coz he badly needs to change phones, and I get the Sun
fone exactly like mine which is going at only 3T at Plan 250.
Which, sadly, is going at 7500 at Plan 500 sa Smart.
He's got a battered 8850. Titanium, but battered. Not my type.

Then the battered 8850 will be up for repair, and we give it to Anea.
Hey, 8850, battered or not was 25T before.

Dumdidumdum. Fingers drumming on the table.

To switch or not to switch?

I'll let u know.
Coz i'm not sure at this time.
Finances are tight.
Sa dinami-dami ng utang ko...
Dun lang ako sa free fone!
Hahaha!

========================

We finally got our 13th month pay, and already I have spent
5T of it paying bills and such. Grrrrr!!!!

========================

P.S.
It's Moe's birthday today, and he brought pancit!!!

Fabulous Anea, Fishy Dada, and Suspicious Me

Yesterday, Anea received her first communion.

I filed for a leave, and so did Dada.
Everything was going smoothly, Anea was in the line already
and Dada and I were left in the car talking.



We were goofing around with my fonecam...



until I saw his wallet and picked it up, but he took it from me.
He also does that when I take his celfone. Hmmmm...

I sense something fishy.

So I said, "Ano bang tinatago mo?"

I have been like this since 3 weeks ago, and it is obviously
getting on his nerves. So, he went out the car and slammed the door.
The rites haven't even started and we're fighting!

I wouldn't want Anea to see us like this,
but I just can't be close to him. I was so pissed!

1 minute. 2. 3. 4. 5...

I was taking Anea's pictures with my fone when he talked to me.
5 minutes tops. He gave me the digicam, and asked me to take
pictures of Anea while the kids were in a line, also of him and Anea,
and then me and Anea.

I was silent.

When the kids were all inside the church, he kept on talking.

I was still silent.

Finally, he said "Sorry na kanina. Wag ka na galit." and all that.

Well, since he said sorry, and it was a special occasion,
and we were inside a church...

=====================

My friend told me to stop being paranoid.
Dada was always at home, and goes home as soon as his work is over.
She doesn't think that he's doing what he was doing before.
She's got a point. However, I cannot help it.
It was so fishy.
Fishy, fishy, fishy. Hehehe.

Well, if it is happening now, I will get hurt, but... I dunno.
I am not heartless. I'm immune to it, I guess. We'll see.

But since we were okay already, I started taking his
pictures again in the car before we went home.
Wanna see what he looks like when he asks me to kiss him?

It was so funny! He'll kill me for this one.



=====================

We do not wear our wedding rings anymore. I gave him mine.
Well, I practically threw it at him before. And he also took off his.
What he did was join them together and used it as a pendant for his necklace.



=====================

Back to the rites:

Anea read the first and second of the Prayers of the Faithful,
and she did great! We practiced her lines about 20 times
the night before, and she was okay. But when she was reading it
there with a mic, I was impressed. Good voice, nice diction.
I'm so proud.

The only blooper for the day was when she received the host,
the digicam wouldn't click. Grrr...! It was full!!!

Lucky for us there was an official photographer.

=====================

It was a super day for Anea. 'Coz after the rites,
we ate at Wendy's where Dada went furious about the
current prices. We joked about this all day. Hahaha.
Dada is the most "kuripot" person ever.

After that we went to TimeZone for a few games and
bought a present for Anea's monita, and she bought
toy porcelain tea cups and saucers.

After that, we brought her home and it was time for Dada
and I naman to go on a date. No details here. But it was also fun,
and all-in-all, 'cept for me being suspicious, I was happy yesterday.
Yehey! I haven't had so much fun with him since years ago.
Until when?
I would not want to know.

=====================

More pictures to come about this special occasion
within this week (I have to upload the pictures from the digicam pa eh),
at Honey Anea's photoblog.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

have you ever had the urge to pop a bubble wrap?
Yesterday, my mom went home with a bag of
goodies to wrap as presents. since they are all fragile,
they were all wrapped in bubble wrap.

Anea's hands immediately went to one and popped away.

much like Augee's zits, bubble wraps are oh so fun to pop.
Why? I haven't the foggiest.

Maybe you can enlighten me.

Wanna pop? Click here.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Sounds logical....

Why is there a 13 month bonus when its really isn't a
bonus? The mystery is finally revealed!
When the British were in Singapore,
they were being paid weekly & they argued
that Singaporeans were actually
being cheated into believing that
the 13th month pay is a bonus.
Singaporeans are being paid monthly which is
equivalent to 4 weeks pay coz there
are 4 weeks in a month. As the British
were paid weekly, it worked out the same.

You see, there are 7 days in a week.

4 weeks in a month.

12 months in a year.

Then 12 months should work out to 48 weeks only.
But 1 year worked out to 52 weeks!!!
Hence the 13th month is your own pay (not bonus??!!).
(365 days divide by 7 day = 52..... weeks GOT IT!!!!!!
AYOS!!!! )

So, the British argued that there is in fact no
bonus at all??? It is a very simple calculation that
stunned many!!!!

BONUS ??? What bonus???

kaya dapat more bonus pa.

Friday, December 03, 2004

in defense of Arolf

Yesterday, Augee, Keiko, Roland and I talked about autism.

I was browsing the net for some Autism Awareness stuff that I'd like to have.
I found this gorgeous bracelet. Well, it was gorgeous for my taste.



There were a lot of items that I wanted, but of course,
they were all in the States!!!!
And if you convert them to PHP, ay nakow!

So there I was...

Roland asked me why i was doing so (in a manner that I won't describe here).

And I looked at him... and saw that he didn't know yet. Oh, so that's why...

I told him that Arolf has autism. He didn't know.

I told him that was why when he teases everyone in the pantry
that they were like autistic, Carlo told him "Huy, ano ba yan?!"
and he looks at me apologetically, with a 'forgive them' look.

And I always go, 'it's ok.'

Roland looked shameful. hehe.

So, I had to tell Arolf's story again. i don't mind.
I like to share it for people to understand what Autism really is,
eventhough the pain comes rushing back.

The thought of my son living normally when he grows up...
the thought of him going to college....
seems elusive at this point in time.
but, slowly it comes to me in my dreams.
Especially when his teacher tells me good things....

When you see him today, you won't even notice it.
People who had spent time with children like him
are the only ones who can see it.

Having Arolf was one of the most wonderful moments of my life.
He had pneumonia when he was born.
I was in the operating room for 4 hours then.
I woke up in pain since the anesthesia was wearing off already.

I saw not my doctor, but another one stitching me back together.
My doctor came rushing in then.
She said, she was sorry she needed to see my son.
That I need not worry. He will be fine.

I didn't know what to think. I was only admitted to a public hospital,
and in a ward. When I was there, I saw all the other mothers
there with their babies. I was the only one who doesn't
have my baby by my side. Tears came.

My family were all so quiet, I couldn't stand it.
I asked them where my baby was.
And they said, 'the doctor said he'll be fine.'

I asked Ronald if he saw our baby yet. He was looking at nowhere
and just shook his head no. Day by day, I asked him if he saw
our baby yet, and he shook his head no.

I was frustrated at why nobody can tell me what went wrong!

And then he told me.

He lied to me. He was the one who took our baby for x-ray.
He said he fits perfectly in the palm of his hand.
He was that small.

My mom told me later on that Dada was crying when he saw
our baby and was questioning why... with all the parents there,
a lot of them poor... why do they have healthy babies?
Achie ate good food, she took vitamins... why?

My mother didn't have the heart to tell him that because
he gave me much heartache when i was conceiving.

When I saw Arolf for the first time, I wanted to cry.
He was so thin! He had traces of tape on his cheek.
I didn't see him when there were tubes in his nose.

When I saw him, I thought...
he was the most beautiful baby in the whole world.
There was a certain glow around him that i couldn't explain.

Now I could.
Because God gave me an angel for a baby.

I took him home on Christmas Eve...
I had one perfect Christmas.

==============================

When his autism was more evident, a lot of people would stare at him....
I stare at them back and tried to guess what they were thinking.

I guessed they were thinking...

why is this child staring at the sky and humming an unfamiliar song?
why is this child mumbling foreign words?
why is this child walking around in circles?
why is this child gesturing his hands like that?

The most hurtful thought: The child is mentally disturbed.

Before, I just pitied Arolf. Now, I took stand.

Once, there was a super mean coñotic brat about 17-20 years old
in the ladies room. Arolf came with me, of course.
I think he was about 4 years old then.

While we were waiting for our turn, Arolf looked down under the door.
I told him that was bad, and asked him not to do it again.

When the brat came out we went in and I helped Arolf pee.
When we came out, I stopped to comb my hair...
brat was still there powdering her nose,
but she stopped in mid-air and said:

'Teach your kid not to be bastos.' and all that crap.

If it happened way back, I would just say sorry and go on our way.

That time, I turned bitchy and defended my son.

I said...

'Oh, I'm sorry if you think that my son is bastos.
I think you heard me teach him not to do it again.
He has Autism, that's why he really doesn't understand manners that much.'

Silence.

'Anyway, what's yours?' i asked.

'what's my what?'

'If my son has autism that's why you think he's ill-mannered,
what's your excuse for being one, too?'

dumbfounded look.

i nod my head. 'that's what i thought.'

And we walked away from the stupid bitch feeling
gloriously happy in a movie-like slowmotion with
the Bittersweet Symphony playing in the background.

==============================

I know that I will go to the ends of the earth
defending my son as long as he needs me to do it for him.
I know later on that he will find a way to do it on his own.
I know he will be okay. 'Coz I will be with him all the way.


==============================

What is autism? Find it here.


Thursday, December 02, 2004

my mother-in-law is the devil in disguise.

i know, i know.

it's way too much....

but i really feel bad today about my m-i-l.

she was one of the causes why my husband and i always fight, too.

i cannot express how much i was hurt by this person before and until now.
i am angry at her...
and i will remember this day.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

If I die today.. How would it happen?

My stomach would burst from eating too much.

My mom texted me today and invited me for lunch.
So we had lunch at Pancake House. I ordered the pork belly.
I didn't even finish my food. But I was so stuffed!

We talked about money issues and whatnots.
What's nice is she paid my bill. hehe.

===============

Today, the 'kulelats' bought us food!!!
Jocelyn brought spongecake, Martin brought mocha and choco flavored coffee.
Angelo gave us choco logs from Country Style.

===============

I only slept for two hours last night 'coz I made Anea's project....
Hay... it was so taxing! It was a mini tv using a shoebox.
The contents are 2 fables, 2 parables and 1 fantasy story, all mapped!

Story mapping is like giving the Title, Setting, characters...
and then determining which part of the story is the beginning,
middle, climax, and ending. Plus the moral of the story.
With drawings!!!!

I don't get why teachers knowadays give too much homework
and projects.... they know all too well naman that the kids
cannot do them on their own... and in this case, can't do it at all.

Feeling pa nila, sila lang ang teacher ng bata at sila
lang ang nagpapa-project.... Last quarter, her project
for that subject was 30 compound words with pictures and sentences.
Additional 40 words with sentences and pictures of some sort.
Basta, it was a total of 120 drawings!

Gustong-gusto ko ng sugurin yung teacher niya, grabe.

But, as a soon-to-become a teacher, i'd know what she will say....
"Mrs. I gave your daughter a week to do it."

pucha.

===============

I came across this site which randomly gives you blog ideas.
The blog idea i got is my title today. Helps when you can't
think of anything else to blog.

===============

p.s.
sleepy na ko.....