Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Charlie... san ka man naroroon.

hindi ko alam kung bakit mo ako ginaganito... hindi kita inaano... ni hindi ka nabubuhay sa mundo ko... hindi kita kaibigan... wala kang kontribusyon sa aking kasiyahan o kalungkutan.

hindi ko akalain na bigla mo akong bibigyan ng hinanakit... ang tanging alam ko, ginawa ko lamang ang pinagu-utos sa akin... ang tanging alam ko, hindi ko hiningi ang posisyon na ito.

gusto mo? sa iyo na lang.

hindi mo ako kailangang gawan ng kwento.... hindi mo kailangang ipaalam sa iba na gumagawa ako ng hindi tama... dahil wala kang alam. hindi mo alam na yung binibintang mo sa akin ay hindi totoo. hindi mataas ang ihi ko... hindi mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.

sana hindi ka nagiimbento na ako ang naunang nagpadala sa iyo ng mensahe dahil alam ng Diyos na hindi... may mga testigo ako... ikaw ba meron? bakit hindi mo na lang diretsuhin at tanungin kung bakit ko ginagamit ang gamit ng iba? simple di ba?

hindi yung nagiimbento ka.... napagkakamalan ka tuloy na baliw. yun ka ba talaga? nababaliw na? kawawa ka naman. kawawa naman ang mga mahal mo sa buhay.

hindi mo alam na noon pa, alam na niya na ginagamit ko ang gamit niya. hindi ko yun ginagamit sa masama... hindi ko yun ginagamit sa hindi tama.

alam ng pinagsabihan mo yun... kasi katabi ko siya nung gawin ko yun... alam yun nung may ari, kasi nagsimula pa lamang kayo, OIC pa ako noon, ginagamit ko na yun.

matagal na ako sa trabahong ito... ang sigurado ako, alam ko kung ano ang ginagawa ko... alam ko ang trabaho ko... alam ko kung saan ako lulugar.

alam ko rin na ginagawa ko ang trabaho ko ng tama. alam ko rin na ginagawa ko rin ang hindi ko na trabaho, dahil gusto kong makatulong.

dahil ba ito sa pagkakapanalo ko? sino ka para kwestyunin ang resulta na patimpalak? sino ka para magtanong sa ibang tao kung bakit hindi sila nanalo?

gusto mo? sa iyo na lang.

dahil sa tatlong libo, naiinggit ka? alam ko na importante ang pera sa mundo... pero hindi ako mukhang pera. ang ipinaglalaban ko... prinsipyo. ang sinasabi ko lang, sana naging pantay ang tingin ng nakatataas sa ating lahat... hindi lamang sa akin. gusto ko, maisip nila na importante din tayo sa kumpanyang ito.

hindi madali ang sumagot ng mga sulat ng kano. hindi madaling gawin ito araw-araw, ng may pagi-ingat at ibayong pagdarasal na sana ay tama ang iyong isinulat, at gawin ito dalawang daan at tatlumpong beses sa isang araw. hindi madali na pumasok araw-araw ng tama sa oras. hindi madali na tiyaking tama ang lahat.

gusto mong malaman ang batayan? kung hindi mo alam... asin lang ang katapat niyan.

alam ko marami ka pang mga imbentong gagawin... marami ka pang mga kalokohang iisipin para ibagsak ako... gud lak sa yo kung kaya mo... dahil hindi ako gawa sa marupok na materyales. hindi ako pinalaki ng nanay ko para maging talunan.

hindi ka nararapat dito... hindi ka dapat dito nagtatrabaho... ni hindi ka dapat magtrabaho kahit saan... may sakit ka... may lamat ang katinuan mo... halata naman... sana lang malaman mo... maisip mo... na sumusobra ka na... na kailangan mo na ng tulong...

sana maisip mo na may anak ka... na babae ka rin...

aminado ako, maraming araw na binigyan mo ako ng sakit ng ulo... aminado ako, maraming beses mo na akong nilito sa trabaho... pero tapos na ang mga maliligayang araw mo... sisiguraduhin ko na sa susunod na subukan mong kalabanin ako, masisiraan ka na talaga ng bait.
mabait akong tao... alam yan ng lahat.
mahaba ang pasensya ko... alam yan ng lahat.
tanga ako pagdating sa pag-ibig... alam yan ng lahat.
magaling ako pag ginusto ko... alam yan ng lahat.
iyakin ako... alam yan ng lahat.

kung meron mang isang hindi alam ng lahat ay ito--
malalim akong magmahal... mas malalim ako kapag nagalit.

nagkamali ka ng pagpili ng taong gagaguhin mo.

tangina ka... parang pagong, magtago ka na.

Monday, April 25, 2005

dumbass Pong

naisip kong bilisan ang trabaho simula ngayon kasi i'm itching to answer emails from my mom and dad...

after ng maraming kwento mula kay Mai at kung kani-kanino... after ng isang basong hot choco, iced tea... after ng lunch na alang enta... naka-quota rin ako.

as i was sending my 230th email, this message pops up:

sorry po, i dont know who you are. i was instructed by... not to talk to strangers ...
someone from the office sent me an IM. I answered back:

huh?
hindi na ito sumagot pa... thinking it was a prank, like what Basti did kanina rin... It was actually sent to a supervisor log-in, since I use it to watch the team's stats... especially mine. So, it wasn't actually sent to me in particular. pero i dunno... they all know here that I use that log-in.

i felt curious from who it came from, so I searched... habang naghahanap ako, I was kinda wishing that it was just a misent and that it came from another person, and not from she-who-must-not-be-named.

hay... the odds are against me. when i clicked on her name, the box flashed. putangina galing sa kanya...

i felt cold all over... it was so freaky.

buti na lang quota na ko... nyeta. she disturbs me with just one message that is not apparently for me, or is even coherent. I thought:

omg. she can play mind games. she might've known that i'm the biggest coward on the floor.... she must've known that i know her secrets... she must've known that i can talk to animals...

wah!!!! i have to get out of here... i have to make sure she doesn't catch me. i have to... i have to... i have two hands... the left and the right!
ok, ok. i know. im such a dumbass. so sue me. but she really made my skin crawl. promise. i'm never gonna be the same brat that i am.

shiver me timbers.

five whatevers

FIVE DREAM JOBS
~ teacher/professor
~ archaeologist
~ pilot
~ doctor
~ call girl?

FIVE FILMS I WATCH OVER AND OVER
~ The Replacements, coz i always catch this on HBO
~ Harry Potter, coz i believe in magic
~ Hook, because it made me 'fly'
~ Harry Potter again, coz i love the way they talk
~ Princess Diaries, coz my daughter watches it

FIVE SONGS I CAN LISTEN TO AGAIN AND AGAIN
~ Love Moves In Mysterious Ways
~ Stranded
~ Sweet Zoe Jane
~ Fallen
~ Bakit Ba (jologs di ba)

FIVE BOOKS I READ FROM COVER TO COVER
~ The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
~ angels and demons
~ Harry Potter series
~ Alchemist
~ Five People You Meet in Heaven

FIVE REASONS TO WATCH TELEVISION
~ you get to watch CSI
~ you get to watch Friends reruns, Home Improvement, Raven, and Everybody Loves Raymond, etc., etc.
~ Finding Nemo on Disney
~ HBO!!!
~ Spongebob, definitely

FIVE PLACES I WANT TO VISIT
~ Vatican
~ France
~ California
~ Japan
~ Philippines

FIVE BANDS/SINGERS I LIKE
~ Plumb
~ Staind
~ Sarah Maclachlan
~ Julia Fordham
~ Phil Collins

FIVE BEVERAGES
~ Water
~ frap from Starbucks
~ hot choco
~ shakes from Ebun
~ iced tea

FIVE HOBBIES
~ sleeping
~ reading
~ blogging
~ watching movies and TV
~ eating (too much)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

temporary orphan... missing mom & dad...

this is my YM status today...

kahapon sila umalis for NY. ayaw nilang magpahatid... ayaw magsama ng mga bata... hindi nga pinagising ni Mama si Dale... umalis sila ng tulog ito...

Dad looked good in his suit, that was the first time i saw him wear one... it was obvious that they were a bit nervous... it was also his first time to ride a plane.

hinatid namin sila sa airport... we didn't cry in front of them... Kuya Dudei did as soon as we got in the car... the kids cried din daw according to them... pag uwi namin, niligpit ko na yung kalat.. inayos ko na yung mga naiwan.. their room kasi is gonna be my room now, at least for my things coz the bed was given to my brother.... my room will be for the kids... masikip na kasi mashado sa room ko eh...

inakyat ko na yung mga damit ko... yung mga bags ko... nung inaayos na namin ni Archie (our helper), dun ko lang napagtanto na napakarami ko palang bags... napuno ang isang aparador... hay...

nung nakita ko yung mga bagay na naiwan ng parents ko... shoes... my mom's fave bags... shirts and stuff... i felt a little sad, nainis ng konti... hindi na nila kasi yun nadala coz they were only allowed 4 balikbayan boxes and one box is already full with padala and whatnots for my other relatives... i think if not for those, baka nadala nila lahat ng gusto nilang dalhin...

nagakyatan yung mga tao sa bahay, to get my parents' bed, their other things, which my parents told them they can have when they left... i felt bad... i felt like shouting at them and telling them to wait until i'm ready to let go of my parents' things... babalik pa naman ang parents ko... why do they have to give out their things, even if they were to my siblings... ang pangit ng feeling watching them go with mom's bed with them... feeling ko namatayan ako.

my mom made sure that everything is taken cared of before she left... all her grandkids cept for Dale and Anton, she made sure may celfones... all of them, sinigurado niyang may computers... she made sure that the latest bills and realty taxes were all paid and that there was food in the fridge... even if she and my brother had a misunderstanding and it caused her some pain, hindi niya yun pinansin, and made sure that my brother gets the other fone and her kids get her bed.

to sum it all up, my mom is Mother Teresa in disguise.

my dad wanted to buy an MP3 player that he can bring there, but couldn't find one similar to mine, which was cheaper than all those popular brands... so I gave mine to him to bring na lang...

if i could've prevented them from going, i would... but i guess it was for the best... sana lang they can cope up... sana kasi kung bata pa sila... eh kaso Dad is pushing 60 already, tapos ngayon pa sila umalis... i've been with them for 30 years... day in and out... it was too hard for me to take all this in... maraming nangyari na naiinis ako ng sobra... hindi ko na lang ilalagay dito dahil ayoko ng maalala...

nung afternoon, Anton and I went to the bank to get my ATM card, and then we went to the office so I can finish something... at about 2pm my mom texted me that they were already in Hongkong for the stop-over....

sinundo kami ni Dada... nung nasa bahay na ko and was changing my clothes, i stopped to look at the empty room... i strained to hear something... any noise that will make me feel like i was home... everything looked so gloomy.

hindi ko na napigilan... i cried like i lost something that i couldn't recover. i texted my mom and told her how much i missed them both. this is what happens. this is now. there is no mistaking it.
after 30 years, i am now literally alone.



dumating si Dada... he tried hugging me and told me to stop texting my mom like that coz baka malungkot pa cla dun... sabi pa niya andun naman daw siya... as if.

he slept there... medyo naging kampante din ako coz at least we have a man in the house at night... i dunno if he will be sleeping there all the time from now on... ayoko sana... naiinis din ako, coz nung andito pa sila Mama, para na lang siyang laging sinisilaban... nakakainis... coz ngayon nagtetext siya kung anong iluluto ko for dinner and all that... he did things that he didn't do before... i hated it... i wish he stops acting like i want him to be there.. that he can replace my parents... that now he can walk freely in my parents house at di na mahiya... naiinis talaga ako..

i couldn't sleep din kasi coz i thought my mom was gonna text me as soon as they arrive... i forgot what time she told me that they will arrive there, so i just waited... i turned my fone's ringer to loud so i can hear..

i was a little paranoid coz a lot of things happened a week just before they left, that they said was aberya sa kanilang pag-alis... the pc broke down... the lights went out... i just wanted to be sure that they were safe...

finally, today at 11:27 am, Mom texted me that they were already in NY... i sighed a relief.

later on, i will be going home and changing my clothes in my mother's bedroom... i will be looking after my kids, and checking on dinner... i will be telling my kids to wash their feet before they go to bed... will check on Anton if he's got the sniffles and if he needs to take his allergy medicine... i will check on any messages... will close the gas tank... will make sure that tap is open so we can collect water overnight... i will be turning off lights as i go from one floor to another... i will be checking that all plugs are unplugged, and doors are all locked...

i will be doing this everyday... til my parents find their way back home.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

sa mga araw na hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo

syempre pa... malungkot na naman ako... lagi naman eh... nagtext ng nagtext sa akin ang asawa ko... hindi ko siya masagot dahil nasa guard ang celfones namin... marami siyang sinabi na hindi ko alam kung magagalit ako... matatawa... o iiyak...



nagsimula yun nung April 18. 10th year wedding anniversary namin yun... hinintay ko buong araw na magtext siya sa kin... not to greet me... kahit man lang i-acknowledge niya what day it was...

when i woke up, there were missed calls registered, but no text messages.

i waited.

nothing.

then he texted. asked me what time should he suppose to pick me up since there was an ongoing 'strike'.

when we were on our way home... he still said nothing.

when i was at home, i texted him this:

i waited for u all day not to greet me... but just to acknowledge what day it was... c? even you don't give a damn.


tapos tumawag siya... nagexplain... hindi raw niya nakalimutan... in fact tinatawagan pa nga raw niya ako nung morning...

sympre hindi ako naniwala... sabi ko sa kanya it doesn't matter.... ano ba naman yung 10th year anniversary? hindi naman ako naging masaya sa buong 10 years.

nagalit syempre.

the next day he texted me this:

just want to let u know na di ko nakalimutan. God knows.


pasensya. hindi ako naniniwala na alam ng Dyos ang lahat. kung alam niya eh bakit pa tayo nagdarasal?

ngayon, kung ano-ano na naman ang nabasa ko... can't he just leave me alone? can't he see that i am so lonely with him?

i know.. kasalanan ko to... it always have been... im stupid. STUPID.



mom and pop will be leaving on Friday... nagdinner kami ni mama at ng friends niya kahapon... we ate at Ebun... sabi ng tita ko, kawawa naman daw ako at wala na akong mommy... iiyak daw ako...

yes. i will. i will cry buckets of tears. as i always do since i knew that they will be leaving.... but what can i do? kelangan eh. mas gusto ko na rin na umalis sila dito... kesa andito sila at namomroblema... i just wish them well...

i wish them happiness.



Micah texted me today, that she saw turtle earrings sa San Pablo... and she asked for my mailing address.... i thought this was so sweet of her... i know she's been reading this... just want to thank you...

at least u have a glimpse of what's troubling me... that's why i told you that you made my day.. sobra.



Anubis--salamat din ng marami... salamat sa release... salamat sa oras... salamat sa pagbabasa ng IM ko... salamat sa pagbabasa ng iniisip ko... salamat sa 'hah!'... salamat talaga...

and remember: silence will get u nowhere.



Mai--salamat din kasi u always put up with me... alam ko minsan naaasar ka na... pero wala akong paki, aasarin pa rin kita... alam ko namang mahal mo ko eh... at kaya mo akong pagtyagaan...



Anne--thanks for being a sweet kid.



Erika--thanks for being nice, and remembering to send me a message when the date changes.



salamat sa inyong lahat. dahil sa inyo, i survived the day.

thou shalt not steal.

i noticed this website on my list of referrers, meaning, somebody came from that website and went to mine... meaning, i might have a link on there.

since I was not familiar with the name, i checked it out... Lo and behold! this is what was written on it:

annoying or flatering?
7:27
[websites]
I'd go with annoying
So Jeremy just sent me this link of a blog that happens to use a desktop that he designed (its posted on his site.) While this is very annoying to be sure I'm nothing but jealous. No one--to my knowledge--has ever stolen any of my design's I'm just going to say that its because they respect me too much. But really I'm just going to use it as an excuse to update my site (or at least the blog portion) to be much more steal-able...
and this was my reply:

hey... im sorry if Jeremy thought I stole his design... it was posted on www.blogskins.com, and it said it was free, and it was so pretty, and i love turtles so much that i downloaded it and used it.

http://www.blogskins.com/info.php?sid=29794

there were links on there on the credits section that i didn't change though, meaning, that i really wasn't the one who made it and credit goes to someone else.

if he feels bad about it, i can go ahead and change my blog template. just tell him to email me at onse@freemail.ph

thanks.
Let's make it clear. if you wouldn't want anything of yours stolen, keep it in a safe place. Plus the fact that it was on a public website that offers blog templates for FREE? I think, it was a little nasty of you to suggest that I stole his designs and that it was annoying.

Did i ever mention that I made that template? Nowhere in my site did I gave credit to myself.

In any case, I still am grateful for the design... i liked it that's why I used it. If I were you, I'd be more flattered than annoyed. Be annoyed to the person who posted your design here.

It still stands though, that if you want me to change my template, I will do so pronto. And mind you, I change it all the time. This is the first time that I am using a template for this long. You really should be flattered.

i am not over everything.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us gusto ko tong ipa-tattoo sa likod ko.

wala lang.



naiinis ako! potah... please lang... don't text... don't expect me to be there, sabi nga ni Cyndi Lauper. nawalan tuloy ako ng ganang mag-work.



alam niyo ba na may ibig sabihin ang mga katagang 'wala lang' subconsciously?

ewan.... itanong niyo sa buwan.



WALA LANG.

Monday, April 18, 2005

nagpunta kami ng God's Love resort sa may San Mateo, Rizal. It was part of the last-days-with-my-parents-in-the-Philippines plan. it went well naman... my Dad couldn't come coz he was tired from an all-night drinking session with his buddies. My mom was there though.

the place was beautiful, if we were the only people there. the problem was, we weren't. andaming tao! It's as if most people in Manila thought of going to resorts. A lot of people here sa office went to Galera. Some to Boracay.

the resort was like a mountain resort type. there was a hanging bridge, na nalula ako when i crossed it. if it weren't for Anea who was so scared to cross it, I wouldn't try it. hahahaha! scaredycat. my kuya Dudei kasi wanted Anea to try the bridge to make her feel that there's nothing to fear coz the bridge naman was really stable. pero sympre, kakalula naman tlaga. plus, yung hawakan was made of plastic pipe, kaya and init, grabe! napaso kami from holding on it too tight.

since wala kaming lotion that time, we didn't bother to buy na. so, the result was like a hundred daggers poking your back and your shoulders now. and I also got this rash from the water maybe, so gustong gusto kong kamutin, pero it wasn't easy din coz it's masakit nga. hay...

It will be a memorable place for me coz that's where Anea learned to swim. Woohoo!!! at least she did learn. it's my niece who taught her. i was so proud. and galeng coz sandali lang siyang tinuruan. pero sa kiddie pool pa lang, meaning she can still touch ground after. di pa siya nagffloat.

sa mga hindi pa nakakaalam.. i can't swim. not that i haven't tried. it all began when i was a kid... i was with my granpa, God bless his soul. i think i slipped from him, and i took a lot of water. it was a phobia that i never got out of my system. tapos nasamahan pa ng movie na Jaws. I remember, 3D pa yun nung pinanood namin sa cinema with my parents. you have this special paper glasses. i became slightly claustrophobic. elevators make me queasy. anything without windows make me cringe with fear.

but it doesn't stop me from going in the water. especially if my kids are in it, too. pero dapat abot ko yung floor. so, if you want to have fun swimming, don't take me with you. hahahaha! i'm such a bore. i'm a coward. kung gusto niyo lang magbabad at mag sunbathing, i'm with you.

it made me think of my fears tuloy... kasi andami eh... i really am such a coward, come to think of it. i'm afraid of water, closed spaces, heights, the sea, all animals except for pets, SPIDERS, all insects, death, loneliness... i'm afraid of uncertainty... like a closed door, and you do not know what's on the other side... like the depths of the sea and you do not know whatever there is that's gonna get your feet, or what you can step on.... it's like, i'm afraid of LIVING.

sad, isn't it?




Mai and I are thinking of going to Nasugbu to see Caleruega. It's a place I call my heaven on earth. It's Dominican owned, so naturally, when Letranites went on a retreat, that's where we go. That's where I knew why they call the place Batulao. from the words bato and ilaw. Coz sometimes, the sun sets in between the two mountains.

when i first saw that sun set, my jaw dropped. it was so beautiful, i could die there. that's where i thought that when i die, i would like to be cremated and my ashes thrown out there, kasabay ng paglipad ng mga butterflies. how dramatic can you get?

kaya, if you haven't seen Caleruega, make sure you do before you get too old to climb. and don't forget to lie down on the steps of the Church on top of the hill... and close your eyes... what heavenly experience.... next stop from there is Munting Buhangin, if you wish to go swimming, btw.



Song of the day:

Tina Arena
In Deep
If I Didn't Love You

So good
When it's good I wanna spend my whole life lovin' you
But I'm tired
And you don't know how close I've come to leaving you
You try my patience
And you race me to the wire
It takes every ounce of my will and desire
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you like crazy
If I didn't love you baby
As much as I do
I'd just walk out the door
I couldn't take it anymore
I wouldn't put up with what you put me through
If I didn't love you
It's hard
But you won't give up 'till you
Push me to the wall
But I know
You're the only one who'll be there for me
When I call (oh yes you will)
I can't help believing
That it's worth it somehow
Cause I've worked too damn hard
To wanna give up now
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you like crazy
If I didn't love you baby
As much as I do
I'd just walk out the door
I couldn't take it anymore
I wouldn't put up with what you put me through
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
Nah, If I didn't
If I didn't love you like I do
When you love someone
Nothings black or white
When the riptide runs
There's no wrong or right
I'll sail with you but I'll refuse to drown
So don't you take me down, down
Take me down down
Don't you take me down, down, down
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
I'd walk out that door
I don't need it anymore
Need to put up with what you put me through
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you like I do o o o
I'd walk out that door
I'm not comin' back no more
No more

Saturday, April 16, 2005

hello.

nasa opisina ako ngayon. OTRD. kelangan ko kasing kumita... kukulangin kasi ang normal kong sweldo kapag ako na lang mag-isa sa bahay... at yun ay simula sa byernes, kung kailan lilipad ang paryentes ko papuntang Tate.

hay... solo flight. kaya ko kaya? KAKAYANIN.

si Mai naman ay kasalukuyang nagbababad sa araw sa Puerto Galera, kung saan anduon din ang mga ibang taga-PS.

hay... log-off na ko... pupunta na lang akong Glorietta, for a last Saturday with my Mom dito sa Pinas. well... that's what she said. i doubt na hindi na siya uuwi dito. hehehe.

over and out.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

rigodon

wala lang. today, i decided to change workstations. at syempre pa, pag nag-change ako, si Mai din mag-change. I just thought we needed a new environment, even if it is just a freakin desk.

I had to find one that is with the right specifications, like if the NetAgent (the email program that we are using) and the WMP (Windows Media Player) are working. If either of the two are busted, we cannot use it.

Mai already have this habit of listening to music when working, and I have to find MP3s for her to listen. Ako yung medyo techie sa aming dalawa. And sooner or later, matututo rin tong si Mai... mabilis din namang matuto eh.

nway, since we moved to the new station, Anubis and Kuting also joined us in moving. Kakatawa. Soon the whole team will also move.



Otep was promoted to RTA (Real Time Analyst). Wow. At least buti pa sya may narating na. Kami ni Mai, inuugat na dito, wala pa rin. Hahaha. Congratulations to Otep, kahit na sa tingin mo ay baboy akong kumain.

Tinik was also promoted as RTA. Naks. Way to go! Sana, lagi mo kaming bigyan ng allocation. Hahaha.



Song for the Day:

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me I've told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believe that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
And the lonely light of morning
And the wound we would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed



Mai and I planned to go to Red Box tomorrow... sana matuloy.... we deserve a break after working in the office for 10 hours everyday!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

It Can't Rain All the Time

We walked the narrow path
Beneath the smoking skies
Sometimes barely tell the difference
Between darkness and light
Do we have faith in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot see

I hear pounding feet in the streets below
And the women crying and the children know
That there's something wrong
It's hard to belive that love will prevail

It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever
And though the night seems long
your tears won't fall forever


When I'm lonely, I lie awake at night
And I wish you were here, I miss you.
Can you tell me is there something more to believe in?
Or is this all there is?


And the pounding feet in the streets below
And a window breaks and a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong
It's hard to belive that love will prevail.

It won't rain all the time...
Last night I had a dream
You came into my room
You took me into your arms
Whispering and kissing me
And telling me to still believe
(Within the emptiness of
The burning cities against which
We set our darkest of selves)
Until finally I felt safe and warm
I fell asleep in your arms
And when I awoke I cried again
For you were gone
Can you hear me?
It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever
And though the night seems long
Your tears won't fall forever



wala lang. naalala ko ang pagka-bilib ko sa pelikulang The Crow, at ang tugtog na ito. Hindi siya magandang pelikula, hindi siya extraordinary. oo, namatay si Brandon Lee nung ginagawa niya ang pelikulang ito dahil sa aksidente. oo, namatay siya nung ika 52nd day ng 58 days na shooting nila. pero, hindi ko yun pinanood dahil doon. nagustuhan ko kasi ang kantang ito, na naging carrier ng pelikula. at noong napanood ko sya, morbid as it was, i found it very romantic. weird ko di ba?

Monday, April 11, 2005

Confessions of a frustrated singer.

Current Mood:

Food Craving: kesong puti

I Miss: Bes Wena

Listening To/LSS:

The Closer I Get To You
Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway

The closer i get to you
The more you'll make me see
Like giving me all you've got
Your love has captured me

Over and over again
I'll try to tell myself that we
Could never be more than friends
And all the while inside
I knew it was real
The way you make me feel

Lying here next to you
Time just seems to fly
Needing you more and more
Let's give love a try

Sweeter than sweeter love grows
And heaven's there for those
Who fool the tricks of time
With the hearts in love you find
True love
In a special way

The closer i get to you
The more you'll make me see
By giving me all you've got
Your love has captured me

Over and over again
I'll try to tell myself that we
Could never be more than friends
And all the while inside
I knew it was real
The way you make me feel

The closer i get to you
The more you'll make me see
By giving you all i've got
Your love has captured me




namulat ako sa katotohanang mas makulay ang mundo kapag may musika. lumaki ako sa tahanang puno nito. ang tatay ko, bukod sa dating myembro ng isang banda simula nung bata pa siya, ay napakahilig makinig ng mga kanta ng Beatles, Everly Brothers at ng Ventures. Kaya wag kayong magtataka kung medyo saulo ko pa ang mga lyrics ng Hey Jude at Sugar, Sugar ng The Archies.

naaalala ko pa noon na pinanood ko ang tatay kong tumugtog ng gitara. naiinggit nga ako sa kanya dati, kasi papakinggan niya lang, alam niya na kung ano ang nota nito. uuwidohin na niya yun.

ang mga lolo ko, halos lahat ay marunong tumugtog ng instrumento, lalo na ang piano. meron pa akong lolo na kompositor, na kilala rin naman ng maraming matatandang mahilig din sa musika. nagulat na lang din ako minsan, ng ang isang matandang babae na myembro ng parokya ng Santo Domingo kung saan ako nagtatrabaho dati, ay tinanong ako kung kaano-ano ko si Dr. Cornejo, yung kompositor.

aba'y lolo ko po. meron po ba kayong pina-opera sa kanya?

dyaskeng bata ito. hinde! gusto ko lang kasi ang mga musikang sinulat niya dati.

hay... dahil sa pressure na ito... pinag-aral din ako ng nanay ko na tumugtog ng piano. trying hard, pero nakaya ko naman. ilang mga bakasyon din akong nag-aral at nagsumikap. pero, wala talaga. siguro, kapag hindi mo sadyang talento ang magkaroon ng ear for music, hindi ka gagaling. pero, naka-ilang sali din ako sa mga recital at natuto naman akong bumasa ng mga nota. naging paborito kong tugtugin ang Fur Elise na tinuro sa akin ng Lolo Fed ko.

dumating ang panahon na nagsawa akong mag-piano. pinalitan ito ng organ. lalong hindi ko kinaya. pero ang tatay ko, kinarir pa rin ang pagtugtog dito. aba'y talentado.

medyo naimbyerna ang nanay ko, binenta ang mga instrumento. ginawa ko na lang, nag-aral akong mag-gitara. nampucha, kung ano yung gusto kong matutunan, sya namang ayaw sa akin. hindi kinaya ng aking mga daliri ang pag-pluck ng strings.

hay.... nauwi ako sa pagkanta. believe it or not, out of 40 students sa klase, ako lang ang napili ng maestro naming masungit sa St. Mary's na masali sa Glee Club. Sapilitan po ito, kasi naman wala ng gustong sumali doon kasi sa reputasyon ng mayabang na maestro, at sa haba ng ensayo. ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit isang araw lang akong nagensayo, hindi na ako bumalik pa. batuhin ka ba naman ng ashtray. gagong yun. ang totoo, hindi naman ako ang binabato niya, galit sya sa aming lahat, kaso lang nung binato niya, sa may akin bumanda. buti hindi nabukulan ang lola mo.
pero, hindi pa rin ako tumigil sa pagkanta. sa banyo, sa sala... kumakain, nagbubunot ng sahig, nagtatanggal ng puting buhok ng tatay ko, naglalaba, naliligo... kahit ano pa ang ginagawa ko, kumakanta ako. may tugtog man o wala. Gustong gusto ng tatay ko na kantahin ko ang mga kanta ni Crystal Gale, at ang nanay ko naman, kahit saang okasyon, pinakakanta sa akin ang Memory ni Barry Manilow.

Ginusto ng nanay ko na pag-aralin ako under Ryan Cayabyab, pero hindi ako pumayag. Anak ng teteng. Alam ko namang hindi ako magaling kumanta, pero sigurado ako na hindi ako sintunado. Nakahiligan ko ang sari-saring tugtugin. Dig ko halos lahat, basta wag lang yung metal at sobrang nakakaantok. nanonood pa ako ng reruns ng contest na Name That Tune, at hanga sa akin ang nanay ko kapag nakakasagot ako.

Gustong gusto ko kapag ako ay kumakanta habang naga-ayos ng kuwarto at naririnig ko rin ang tatay ko na nasa third floor at sinasabayan ako. Siya ang aking second voice. Tulad na lang ng kantang Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

Listen, baby
Ain't no mountain high
Ain't no valley low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby
If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way,some how
'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
No wind, no rain
My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
As fast as I can
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough

sa lahat ng timpalak sa eskuwela, sa Sayawit at kung ano pa, pambato ako ng mga seksyon na napuntahan ko. nagkaroon pa ng time na noong Sayawit nung Second year ako (section Bloodstone), di ko na dapat kakayanin ang pagkanta kasi ang sama-sama ng pakiramdam ko. as in para na akong mamamatay. nakapila kami sa corridor habang hinihintay namin matapos ang mga nauna. pero lumapit sa akin ang professor at ang aking mga kaklase at pinakiusapan ako na tapusin ang timpalak. siguradong matatalo sila kapag hindi ako sumali, ika nila (mga hunghang na yon... naga-agaw buhay na ko, pakakantahin pa rin ako).

sumali pa rin ako, pinilit kong tapusin ang numero. Jambalaya ang kinanta namin, tandang tanda ko pa. Ako ang lider ng alto. Kinuntrol ko ang hilo. Muntik na rin akong matumba, sige pa rin ako sa pagkanta at sayaw.

Pagkatapos, umuwi na ako agad para magpahinga. hindi ko na hinintay ang mga magulang ko na tapusin nila ang palabas. Syempre naman, kami ang panalo.

Nagkasakit ako noon, mga isang linggo pa. Naisipan na ng nanay ko na dalhin ako sa doktor. Naconfine ako. Diagnosis: Hepa A. Nampucha. Wala akong kinain kundi matatamis. Mga jaported na candies ang lagi nilang uwi sa akin. Nanghina ako noon, naging buto't balat. Nanilaw. Ang sagwa, pramis. yuckers talaga.

Pero, isang bagay lang ang nagpasaya sa akin.... ang tropeyo na inihandog sa akin ng aking mga kaklase. Dinedicate nila ang pagkapanalo nila sa akin. how sweet...

Nung nasa kolehiyo, nagulat pa ang mga kaklase ko noon nung minsan tinanong nila sa akin kung alam ko ang tono ng isang tagalog na kanta. Kinanta ko na parang kaswal na parang kasali ako sa isang singing contest. At nagtinginan sila sa akin, jaws hanging.

Ako naman, parang "uh, baket?"

May boses daw pala akong tinatago, hindi nila inakala.

"Tago ko na lang no? Hahaha."

Tumigil lang ako ng habit na pagkanta nung minsan eh narinig ko ang pamangkin ko, belting out a Mariah Carey song, in a, um... unimaginable way. Narinig ko siya nung... andun pa lang ako sa kanto ng street namin.

Napagtanto ko, punyemas, ganito rin ba ang naiisip ng mga tao noong ako naman ang bumibirit? Hindi ko akalain na rinig na rinig pala sa labas ang boses ko noon. Major ewness talaga. Nagkataon na nag-asawa na rin ako at nanganak, nawala na rin ang interes ko sa pagkanta. Ngayon, kahit subukan ko, hindi ko na kaya. Nasasagwaan na ako sa boses ko. Di ko na maabot ang mga notang dati ay kayang kaya ko pa.

Kasabay ng paglaho ng interes ko sa pagkanta, ngayon ko lang naisip na nawala rin ang kulay ng mundo ko. Kasabay ng pagpanaw ng tamang tono ng boses ko, ngayon ko lang naisip na kasabay nitong nawala ang saya at pagkagaan ng pakiramdam tuwing malungkot ang buhay. Kasabay nito ang pagtigil din ng normal naming pagdu-duet ng tatay ko. At iyon ang pinakapinanghihinayangan ko.

Ano't ano pa man, marami akong mga naitagong magagandang ala-ala dulot ng aking pagkahilig sa musika at pag-awit. At ito ang mga sandaling hinuhugot ko sa tamang oras na kailangan ko ng saysay sa buhay.

Lika, kanta tayo.

salamat Mai... dahil sayo meron akong naisip i-post

kanina, pumasok kami ng CR ni Mai... syempre pa, may kakaibang amoy... ang baho... sasabihin ko na sana na amoy kulob na basahan...

si Mai, biglang sinabi na amoy ipis daw.

mga kaibigan, hindi po ako makapaniwala na alam niya ang amoy ng ipis. pano po niya ito nagawa? Nanghuli po ba siya ng ipis, at nilapit ito sa ilong niya? Talaga po bang may amoy ang ipis?

Kung meron man, ano? pano?

buti na lang di kayo pwedeng maglagay ng komento sa blog kong ito, kasi kapag sumang-ayon kayong ang CR namin ay malamang ngang nag-amoy ipis, baka hindi ko kayo tantanan kapag nakita ko kayo.

Ano? Pano?



Mai, hindi ka bobo... at hindi ito sumagi sa isipan ko... hindi kita pinapalabas na mukhang engot.... marami ka lang karanasan na hindi ko nagawa. I envy you. Sana ako rin, alam ko ang amoy ng ipis.

Senti Moment

I Don't Want To Be Your Friend
Cyndi Lauper - Original
Nina - Revival

I don't want to see your face
I don't want to hear your name
I don't want a thing
Just stay away, baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear you say that you'll stay in touch baby

I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that i'd care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all i want is just free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now


Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that i'd care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend

I take it casually, but baby it's killing me...

goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No, baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend
I don't want to be your friend...
Don't call me
Don't come around
don't want to be your friend...

Saturday, April 09, 2005

isang sulat na puno ng sumbat

bakit hindi na ako masaya? bakit hindi ko na kayang halikan ka? ano bang nangyari sa ating dalawa?

gusto kong kalimutan lahat, pero ayaw maalis sa utak ko yung mga imahe ng nakaraan. ayaw maalis yung sakit, yung yamot. at nadadagdagan pa, kasi hindi ko nakikita yung effort. wala akong nakikitang magandang ginagawa mo. kung meron man, it comes and goes swiftly. walang continuance. walang follow-up.

siguro, i'm blinded by hatred and pain.

tuwing umuuwi ka sa bahay, ang lagi ko lang naiisip, gusto mo lang dun, kasi gusto mong magparaos. ang sama ko di ba? pero yun talaga nararamdaman ko. kasi tuwing andun ka, hindi mo naman ako kinakausap ng tipikal na "how was your day?" hindi ko nararamdaman na gusto mo lang umuwi kasi gusto mo kaming makita, o makasama.

hindi ko narinig ni minsan na tanungin mo sa kin kung may kailangan ba ang mga bata. hindi mo rin kinakamusta kung may gatas pa ba si Letku. Hindi mo tinatanong kung may development ba kay Kuya. Hindi mo tinatanong kung nagawa na lahat ni Bochog yung assignment niya. kahit man lang sa tanong, makita ko, maramdaman ko na concerned ka sa min, hindi lang sa puson mo. hindi mo ba naiintindihan, na minsan kapag niyayakap kita, kelangan ko lang ng yakap na sukli? hindi ko kailangan ang ano pa mang mas matindi sa yakap.

hindi ko na naririnig na sabihin mong mahal ko ako. ni hindi mo na naiisip na uwian ako ng croissant pag nagmi-meeting kayo sa head office. hindi mo na rin ako tinetext dahil wala lang, naisip mo lang. hindi mo na rin ako nililibre ng sine, kasi sabi mo sayang ang pera. hindi mo ako sinasamahang mag-simba o mamili. hindi mo na ko sinasama sa palengke. hindi mo na ko sinusubuan kapag kumakain. hindi mo na ako pinagluluto ng fish fillet. hindi mo na ako binibigyan ng sulat.

kung may kailangan ako o ang mga bata, lagi na lang wala kang pera. pero kung may kailangan sa kotse mo, minsan kahit hindi kailangan, kaya mong i-swipe ang credit card mo.

tapos tatanungin mo ko, meron ba akong ginagawa para sa mga bata na hindi mo rin ginagawa? hindi kita sinagot noon. kasi iniisip ko, kung hindi mo alam ang sagot sa tanong mo, malamang wala akong kwentang ina.

hindi ko alam kung gumagawa ka rin ng project ni Bochog sa school, kasi sa pagkakaalam ko, ako ang gumagawa. Hindi ko alam kung tinuturuan mong magsulat si Letku, kasi sa pagkakaalam ko, hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin siya marunong. hindi ko alam kung pumupunta ka sa mga PTA meetings ng mga bata, kasi tuwing andun ako, hindi kita makita. hindi ko alam kung binibili mo sila ng bagong damit o sapatos, kasi puro na lang yung mga binili ko ang sinusuot nila. hindi ko alam kung bumibili ka ng gatas, kasi tuwing nasa inyo si Letku, humihingi pa siya sa bahay. hindi ko alam kung dinadala mo sila sa doktor para magpa-check-up kasi ang alam ko, ako ang kasama nila. hindi ko alam kung tinatanong mo ako kung kailangan ko ng pera pambili ng mga baon ng mga bata, kasi wala akong naririnig. marami akong hindi alam na ginagawa mo, pero alam ko na ginagawa ko.

pero bakit ko nga ba isusumbat sa yo lahat yun, eh responsibilidad ko rin yun bilang nanay nila?

bakit ko nga ba dapat ikumapara ang relationship natin sa ibang happy couple eh iba-iba naman ang tao?

siguro kasi, sawa na akong maging malungkot. hindi ko alam. hindi ko na talaga alam.

madali lang naman akong pasayahin. hindi ko naman hinihingi ang langit at lupa. ang gusto ko lang, ibalik mo yung lalaking nakilala ko noon. yung lalaking kausap ko sa telepono ng apat na oras, kahit siya lang ang nagsasalita at tahimik lang ako. yung lalaking nagiisip pa ng joke para lang marining niya akong tumawa. yung lalaking nagpapaalam pa kapag lalabas kasama ng mga kaibigan niya. yung lalaking hindi sasama sa lakad na yun kung hindi ako papayag.

Sa April 18, sampung taon na tayong kasal. Sa August 4, 14 years na tayong magkasama as one. matagal na tayo. hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko pa kakayanin na maging kasama mo.

isa lang ang sigurado ako, i am trying. HARD. I hope you know that.

hindi ko na hiling ang pera, hindi ko na hiling na makasama ka sa iisang bubong. hinihiling ko na lang, ibalik mo sa kin yung dapat na akin. kasi hindi akin yung bagong ikaw. hindi siya ang minahal ko. kung san mo man siya tinago, please lang pakibalik mo na siya sa kin. dahil naging malungkot ang buhay ko nung nawala siya.



kung meron mang mga lalakeng magbabasa nito, isa itong message in disguise. please don't take ur women for granted. wag kayong magbago. wag niyong baguhin porket kasal na kayo.

wag kayong mambabae at iisipin na kasalanan namin kasi hindi na kami sexy. eh, puta, kayo ba sa tingin niyo sexy pa? please lang. pinagtyatyagaan na lang din namin kayo.

tsaka wag niyong ipagpalit ang asawa niyo sa kotse. what's with men and cars? Fuck that. sa sobrang pagmamahal ninyo sa kotse niyo, pag kayo nagaway ng misis niyo, masasabi na lang niya na sana mabangga ka.

at kung pwede, kapag hinihiwalayan kayo ng asawa niyo, wag na kayong mambintang. wag ng isipin na hindi kayo pwedeng hiwalayan just because we fell out of love. wag ng isipin na siguradong may third party. in other words, wag niyo kaming igaya sa inyo. ang mga babae, made of a thicker shell.

you know what you should do? you should not waste your time thinking negative things and hurling accusations at us... waste your time changing for the better and making us see that you are worth keeping. tigilan ang pagdududa. puro kayo duda pero kayo naman ang nambababae.

and please, NEVER look at another woman lalo na kung kasama ninyo misis nyo. your sideway glance na kunwari may tinitingnan kayong iba does not work. malakas ang radar namin.

and don't give us that "sa amin walang mawawala" crap. puta, that's too old school. sa inyo pa lang nawala na, naibigay na namin. sa inyo ang may nawawala na dapat ay sa amin napupunta, nilalabas niyo kasi sa iba.

at higit sa lahat, wag na wag ninyong pagbuhatan ng kamay ang misis nyo. kahit humupa ang pasa, kahit maghilom ang sugat... hindi maaalis ang sakit.

Friday, April 08, 2005

I Love You, Goodbye

ilang beses ko ng gustong kantahin sayo to, pero mas mahal ko ang mga anak ko kesa sa sarili ko.



Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never ganna work out
I love you, goodbye

Face Analyzer

Nakuha ko ito sa blog ni Hanagirl. I tried it and here are the results:

Race Analysis

100% Middle Eastern
0% East Indian
0% Eastern European
0% Southern European
0% Anglo Saxon
0% South East Asian
0% Korean/Japanese
0% Chinese

Personality Profile Rank

Intelligence 6.6
Risk 4.3
Ambition 6.2
Gay Factor 1.4
Honor 5.2
Politeness 6.0
Income 6.6
Sociability 5.3
Promiscuity 3.0

YOUR ARCHETYPE: Beta Academic.

Personality Profile:

You are a long-term planner, diligent worker and avoid risk as much as possible. You are of above average intelligence and have the ability to focus on tasks that seem unimportant at present, but can lead to greater things in the foreseeable future. You are not keen to interact with others or make social connections. You would rather gain material wealth before putting yourself in a position to be judged. You are not confrontational unless someone directly opposes your intellectual beliefs. You are highly concerned with your social status. You are keen to avoid risks that could jeopardize your long-term plans. You take a calculated approach to life, working hard to control all aspects of it in order to not leave anything important to chance.

You tend to be a perfectionist and quite self-conscious. You sometimes wish you were less reserved and more like some others you see who are more bold and outspoken in social situations. But as much as you try to be like them, you cannot, because you care too much about the future to ever be comfortable taking risks in social situations.

Alpha academic: Solid long-term planner. Highly intelligent, ambitious and loyal to close ones.

Expected Occupations: Lawyer, Doctor, Investment Banker, Chief Accountant, Corporate Consultant, Head Engineer, Stock Broker, Business owner (professional skill/knowledge based business operation)

Beta academic: Not as intelligent or ambitious as Alpha Academics, but still focused on being materially successful.

Expected Occupations: Lawyer, Doctor, Investment Analyst, Accountant, Architect, Engineer, Professor, Researcher, Psychologist


Theta academic: Not as intelligent as Alpha and Beta academics, but still intelligent.

Expected Occupations: Pharmacist, Accountant, Teacher, Journalist, Computer Technician




at ang pinakamatinding result:

Gender: Male.



punyetang analyzer yan.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Letku's career choices at ang LSS for the day

Last night, nag-usap kami ni Letku.... sabi ko pa nga sa kanya na maganda yung naisip niya at pangarap niyang maging doktor...

Sabi ko, "Naku, mahal ang mag-doktor... hm... meron ka bang ibang gustong maging?"

Sabi niya:

"yung ano... yung... sa kainan... yung tagaligpit ng plato at pagkain."

Translation: Waiter. Hay....

"yung sa firehouse?"

Translation: Bumbero? Nak ng teteng naman o.

"Mommy, yung sa building?"

Syempre natuwa ako, along with the fact na gusto niyang maging doktor, aba, gusto atang maging architect o engineer ng anak ko. Sabi ko:

"Ah, yung do-drawing mo yung building para gagawa ka nun?"

"hinde.... yung tagatago ng gamit ng gumagawa ng building!"

Translation: Ok na ko sa doktor.



putek... jologs LSS for the day:

Minsan Pa by Zsa Zsa Padilla

Kay Tagal Ko Nang Pangarap
At Laging Nang Dasal
Pag-ibig Na Sadyang Wagas
Ngunit Waring Kay Ilap
Ng Palad Kong Ito At Akoy
Patuloy Na Bigo!!!
O Pusong Kay Sakit...ala-alang Kay Pait
At Kung Muling Balikan Ang Lahat Ng Nagdaan
Tila Walang Pang Minahal At Walang Natagpuan
Nais Ko Sanang Mag-isa't Huwag Nang Umibig Pa
Kung Yan Man Ay Totoo At Manatili Sa Mundo
Na Walang Buhay, Walang Kulay, Walang Nagmamahal
Ngunit Kong Akoy Mahihintay Umasa Pa't
Umibig Pang Muli...minsan Pa....
Minsan Pa Akong NangarapAt Sanay Maganap
Sa Iyo'y Ibibigay Lahat
Narito Ngayo't Kailanman 'ikaw Ang Langit Ko
Tanging Ningning Ng Buhay Ko
Halina Sa Piling Ko
Alisin Ang Takot Ko
At Sa Muli'y Malasap Ang Pag-ibig Na Ganap
At Ang Pangarap Na Mundo Ay Matupad Sa Piling Mo
Ayaw Ko Na Muling Mabuhay Pang Nag-iisa.
Ikaw Ang Simulat Wakas, Ang Ngayon At Ang Bukas
Ikaw Ang Pag-asa Habang Buhay..mahal Pa Rin Kita
At Sadyang Wagas, Pag-ibig Ko'y
Ngayon At Kailanman...minsan Pa...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

my soul type





I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type
at kelly.moranweb.com.


Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You're not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you're not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You're often late or unreliable. You're showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you'll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don't feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you'll settle down happily if you're among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don't stay in one place too long, and don't be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?

Yummy pala ako...


What Flavour Are You? I taste like Beef.I taste like Beef.


I taste like beef. I'm probably made of beef. You are what you eat, they say, and if the title didn't mean something else, I would be a beefeater. I think red meat is good for you. Puts hair on your chest. What Flavour Are You?

for the nth time, NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU

kahapon, na-late ako ng 75 minutes. Since meron kaming bet ni Mai na sa for every minute na late, we have to pay one peso, and the money that we can get from that, we will use to eat out.

So, may utang pa ako sa money pot ng 75, plus 4 pesos from cursing. Mamumulubi ako nito!

Buti na lang, kanina hindi ako na-late. Pero nakapagmura ako twice. Kaya 81 na ang utang ko. Eh, kung ilibre ko na lang kaya si Mai? Hahaha.



I'm happy today din coz Augee gave me two keychains from Boracay na ang design ay pawikan. Cute! Thanks, Augee!!!! I really appreciate your donation to my collection...



May lumapit sa akin kanina at ang sabi, may nagsabi daw sa kanya na basahin ang blog ko because of my post about hating self-righteous people. Hah! That's what I thought... Ganun na ba ako kasikat? Har-har. Dyok lang.

Naisip ko na na meron talagang magre-react. Please. Not everything is about the office affair. I said my piece before pa, na hindi na ako magsasalita. Wala na po akong pakialam. Sus. Wala na po ba akong ibang taong kakilala na ganun rin ang karanasan? I don't need to explain this to you, but to feed your curiosity, I also have a college friend, na ngayon ay namo-mroblema kasi yung dating kabit nung syota nya ngayon eh galit na galit sa kanya at kung ano-ano ang pinagsasabi. Kinumpronta pa siya and all. Same situation. Same everything. Different people.

I have that post in my drafts for quite some time, without a title and an ending. Kahapon ko lang siya na-finalize... nagkataon na meron palang maugong na buzz sa ibang blog.

As I said before, I've said enough. I've had enough tungkol dun. Kung meron mang nasaktan sa sinulat ko, malamang yun yung mga guilty na tinamaan na hindi makatulog dahil alam nilang tama ako. For once.

Wala akong kinakampihan sa kanila. Please lang, wag ng gawan ng issue. Hindi porket may nakita kayong nagbubulungan, sila na ang topic. Masaya ako dito sa floor coz I have Mai. Period.


May nagtanong sa kin kung hindi na kami friends. Bigla akong napahinto at napaisip. Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam if she ever treated me as one, or if she ever trusted me. Basta andito lang ako para makinig. Kahit na matigas ang ulo niya. Kahit sa tingin ko medyo sobra na yung ginagawa niya at medyo siya na mismo ang nagpapababa sa sarili niya. Ewan ko. Nasa sa kanya yun. Pero mahirap pasukin ang matibay na circle of friendship niya sa ibang tao eh. I think she has too many friends already para makisali pa ako at lalong magpagulo sa utak niya. Ok lang naman din ako. I just wish her the best.

O, o... baka sabihin niyo na naman si ano ang tinutukoy ko.... tsk. tsk.

Dahil sa sobrang hilo ko kahapon, nagpasundo na lang ako. Kumain kami sa bulaluhan ni Ka Isang sa may Evangelista. Kung hindi ka pa nakakakain dun, subukan mo. Sarap ng bulalo. Pero don't imagine na it's a fancy place.

At sa hindi ko na kinaya yung hilo, I already bought and took my meds for my Vertigo. Iinom din pala, ang dami pang arte.



ilang araw na akong nagke-crave for kilawing talaba. Ewan ko ba. My Dad and his friends used to prepare this as their pulutan kapag nagiinuman. Wish ko lang makakain na ko nun soon...



I chanced upon this cool webpage... cute nung may-ari... haha.. even Mai agreed with me.

wanna see him? Click here.



enough said.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Brain Test

What Your Brain Says About How You Think and Learn

Your brain is divided into two hemispheres, the right and the left. Just as you favor your left or right hand, you also favor the right or left hemisphere of your brain. The left hemisphere interprets details and reasoning, while the right hemisphere interprets information through visual or creative cues.

Pong, you are Balanced-brained

That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation.

When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over.

While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.

The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.

Your Brain Type Report will describe how and why each of the responses you chose while answering the Brain Test revealed that you are Balanced-brained dominant. It's ready right now!



That explains everything.

don't you just hate self-righteous people?

i mean, yes... at some point there will be someone who will make you so mad... who will do you wrong... but, i think you have to think first before you act and hurl accusations at someone you possibly don't even know that well.

minsan na akong nagmalinis. meron na rin akong mga naapakang tao. and i hated myself for it. na-realize ko na marami akong mali sa buhay. na hindi dapat ako magbato ng bato, when hindi ako perpektong tao.

alam ko dati, pinagpyestahan ko ang mga issue ng adultery at mga bawal na pag-ibig. pero, na-realize ko, wala akong karapatan. it is their lives, not mine. pero this time, I am making this point at baka sakaling merong mga taong magbasa nito na gaya rin ng karanasan. baka makatulong. baka may magising sa pagkakatulog. malay natin.

asawa rin ako. na-involved din sa bawal na pagmamahal. naranasan ko na rin ang lahat ng yan. alam ko yung sakit. alam ko yung hirap. naiintindihan ko both aspects.

sana lang, maintindihan din ng lahat na hindi dapat kinakampihan ang kahit sino sa mga taong involved sa isang bawal na love triangle dahil pare-pareho silang mali. walang dapat kaawaan dahil pare-pareho lang silang affected at nasasaktan.

ang pag-ibig ay hindi pinaplano. ang pag-ibig ay kailanman hindi naging kasalanan. it is what u make out of that love that's causing you to sin. at obvious na lahat kayo nagkasala. hindi lang siya o ikaw.

kung meron man akong kinakaawan, it's the little innocent people. Not you, not him, not her. Dahil matatanda na kayo. You should have known what you were getting into.

Ang pagpasok sa isang bawal na pag-ibig... mahirap... masakit... at walang kasiguruhan... kung nagawa sa asawa... magagawa sa kabit.

Just don't tell me I didn't tell you so.

Samut-sari

Birthday ni Mama kahapon. Hindi ko man lang siya nabigyan ng regalo. Naisip ko kasi, bili ko na lang siya nung kumot na gusto niya para dadalhin niya sa States. Kaso lang, wala na yung stall na nagbebenta nun sa Makati. Kaya pag-uwi ko, ala akong dala. Ni wala din akong share sa handa niya. Ewan ko ba. Ano bang nangyari sa kin these past few days.

Ang pinaplano ko kasi, mag-swimming na lang kami na kaming buong pamilya. Plano ko sa 16 na lang, kaso may despedida na naman ang mga kaibigan ni Papa for him. Kaya sabi ko sa 17 na lang. Kaso lang Sunday yun, may pasok kinabukasan. Syempre pagod ako nun. Bahala na.



Ok naman ang party niya. Marami ring dumating. Her brothers and sisters were there. They even have this gimik na bigyan si Mama ng dozens of red roses while they were singing their happy birthday song.

Andami ring pagkain. Kare-kare, dalawang klase ng pansit, inihaw na tilapia, etc. Kinain ko lang is yung dinuguan na luto ni Mama. bihira kasi ako kumakain nun pag hindi ko nakikita kung pano niluluto.

Nagkantahan sila, nanood ng concerts sa DVD... umuwi silang busog at senglot. Ako, natulog na rin ng mas maaga.

Dito natulog sila Kuya Dudei. Syempre naging center of attention na naman si Bea. Cute na kasi. Kamukha ni Vhon.



Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako ganun kasaya. Siguro dahil hindi lang yun birthday party. Despedida din yun para sa pag-alis nila sa 22.

Ngayong papalapit na ang kanilang pag-alis, nakakaramdam na ako ng kakaibang lungkot na hindi ko maintindihan.

Isa lang ang sigurado... mami-miss ko sila mama at papa. Marami silang naitulong sa akin, at sa pag-alis nila, isang malaking butas ang hindi na mapupunan ng kahit sino pa... pupunta lang sila ng Amerika nun ah.

Naiinis din ako, kasi minsan nakikita ko si Mama na umiiyak. Nung yakap niya si Dale, nung yakap niya si Bea... Sabi ko nga sa kanya, if she is not happy at all na umalis, why go? If there's something that's holding her back, then don't go for it.

But I also tell them to go and try. Then if it doesn't go well, then come back. Agad. That is also one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to change anything sa house. This is their house. I want them to have something to go back to. Kung babaguhin ko ang ayos ng bahay, kung san ako matutulog... pano na pagbalik nila?

Anyway, if I go on and on about this journey, my feelings and apprehensions, I'll never stop. I just wish them safety, good life and great health.



Ako lang mag-isa ngayon sa kwarto. Pinapunta ko kasi ang mga bata sa Daddy nila. Nagalit na naman kasi tatay nila dahil ayaw na naman ni Anea na pumunta doon. At ang Mama naman, she's always telling me that there's something wrong kaya ayaw ni Anea doon. Of course I know what she's trying to say. And she's starting to make me feel paranoid like her. And I hate it. I know him. He will not do anything grave to his kids. He went too much one time when he hit her with a belt. But I know na pinagsisihan na niya yun. I know that he loves Bochog.



I bought Anton some books from Booksale. Naaawa kasi ako sa kanya kasi apat na taon na siya, hindi pa niya saulo ang ABC. Hindi pa siya marunong magbilang. I came to a conclusion that I am neglecting my kids. And being a licensed teacher, it is too ironic. So, I told him that we were gonna start this summer to learn a few things. The goal is just for him to master the basics.

He's taking it on too well! Now, he wakes me up so we can study. He pesters me every hour on when we were gonna start studying.

Kanina, we started with one book of numbers. Gusto kasi niya yung may activities na sasagutan niya. Eh sabi ko, dapat muna mapag-aralan niya isa-isa yung numbers bago dun sa connect the dots. Eh, and kulet!

Kaya ayun, pinapaulit-ulit ko yung numbers, hindi niya pa rin makuha. He knows the numbers 0, 1, 2, and 4. But he forgets 3!

Tapos, later kanina he called from his Daddy's house and told me that he will become a (whispering) doctor when he grows up. And whatever sadness i felt earlier, what he said totally made my day.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

of Turtles and being a chimney.

nawawala na ata ako sa sarili. simula ng napamahal sa akin ang alaga kong pagong na si Pong, nahilig ako sa kahit ano mang bagay na may disenyong pagong.

san man ako magpunta, hanap ako ng hanap... Pong, come out, come out wherever you are... parang kantang ayaw matanggal sa utak ko... LSS (last song syndrome) kung tawagin.

merong mga araw na napipikon na ako... magtatanong ako sa mga saleslady:

"meron ba kayong t-shirt na may turtle print? kahit ano'ng may turtle design."

may aksent na di ko alam kung ano. "ay.. ah.. eh.. wala po ata. meron po dati kasi nakita ko sa children's, pero di po ata turtel ang tawag dun, ano po ata... ah... turtoys? ayun, turtoys po."

minsan gusto kong yugyugin ang mga taong nasasalubong ko:

"wala na bang taong nagmamahal sa mga pagong? hindi niyo ba naaalala ang saya na binigay sa atin ni Pong sa Batibot? Buti pa si Kiko Matsing!"

wala. kahit saan ako magpunta sa Makati... puro tidi ber. puro eyndyel. puro Korean telenovelas ang nakikita ko...

meron na kasi akong mga bagay na may turtle designs sa bahay:

a bracelet that my sister-in-law gave me.
a small pillow.
a cute turtle made out of puca shells.
an action figure of the turtoise in Finding Nemo which my kids have pala.

Good Lowrd! Please help me.. kahit ano lang... para maibsan ang craving ko...

and yesterday at last, some light at the end of the hallway:

a cd case (found it in Landmark).
a celfone chain.
a necklace (i just love it).
a letter opener.

the other three I found at a stall in uppermost floor of Glorietta where they sell locally made things... they also have cascading earrings made out of shells... so pretty! but they weren't turtlish.

i hate myself. this is an addiction. and i hate being addicted to something.

pero, i accept all kinds of turtlish things as donations to my growing (yawn!) collection! har-har.



galing ako sa doctor kanina... and I was proud to tell her that I have quit smoking just recently. hehe. op cors, i was never addicted naman talaga to it... i was just smoking lalo na pag stressed.

since marami akong nararamdaman lately na, tinigil ko na. minsan nagnanakaw ng isang stick kay Mai, pero minsan lang...

Kapag may nakakasama si Mai sa breaks, di na ko sumasama sa kanila, para iwas na rin ako. And I can say na, it made me feel better.

Now, if I can just persuade Mai... hehehe.

Anyway, she told me that she cannot prescribe me something for the cysts coz it will make me toxic again... whatever that means.

but, it's nothing to worry about.

Thank goodness.

magyakapan tayo.

merong mga nagtatanong kung bakit nawala ang mga comments at ang tagboard. paumanhin. tinanggal ko na po for personal reasons.

ang totoo po niyan, ang una ko pong intensyon sa paggawa ng online diary, ay para lamang po maisulat ang mga nararamdaman ko sa tuwing gusto ko para may babalikan ako sa kinabukasan at sa mga susunod na araw. alaala ng makulay kong mundo.

hindi ko po inakala na may magbabasa ng mga kuwento ng buhay ko. na meron pala akong matataman kung minsan. pasensya na po. tanga talaga ako.

alam nating lahat na hindi tayo pwedeng manahimik lamang kapag mayroon tayong mga nababasang mga hindi kanais-nais o kahit ano'ng naisusulat na gugustuhin mong magbahagi rin ng pahayag. lalo na't matatalino ang tao. nilikha ng Diyos halintulad sa kanya.

pero ang sabi ko nga, wala akong ibang intensyon kundi ang balikan ang mga alaala. para sa akin. kahit ano pa man ang naisip mong sabihin o i-kumento, kung hindi ko naman isasa-isip at puso, balewala. inuulit ko--tanga po ako.

ayoko ng malaman pa kung ano ang saloobin mo tungkol sa nararamdaman ko. hindi sa minamasama ko... pero sa mga susunod na araw, meron akong mga maisusulat na alam kong merong matatamaan, merong maiinis, merong matatawa, merong makakaramdam ng kakaibang kirot, merong magiisip at sasang-ayon na tanga ako.

at baka sakaling, masaktan ako sa reaksyon mo ng hindi mo sinasadya.

ang tanging gusto ko, maramdaman ko. kaya pinalitan ko na lamang. sa pamamagitan ng yakap, alam ko... mararamdaman ko... maiintindihan ko...

kung natutuwa ka sa kwento ko--yakapin mo ako...
kung nalulungkot ka para sa akin--yakapin mo ako...
kung naramdaman mo rin ang mga naramdaman ko--yakapin mo ako...
kung gusto mo lamang maging maliwanag ang gabi ko--yakapin mo ako...
kung wala lang, gusto mo lang--yakapin mo ako...

isa lang ang garantiya... sa bawat yakap mo, hindi ito nararamdaman ng katawan ko lamang, kundi ng puso ko... at sa bawat yakap mo, niyayakap din kita.