Wednesday, August 24, 2005

of harsh realities and language barriers

nung Sunday, nagsimba kami ng 10 am.. kasama ko yung dalawang kasambahay namin at ang tatlong bata... galit na galit sa akin si Dale (my son who has Asperger's Syndrome) kasi ayaw niyang magsimba... eto ang takbo ng usapan namin (pabulong ako, pasigaw siya):

Dale: I hate you Mommy... I don't love you... I want to go to Mama to the States! hmp! hmp!

Ako: Baby, we're inside the church... do not shout.

Dale: I don't want to simba eh. hmp! hmp!

(kasalanan ko to, simula ng umalis ang paryentes ko, hindi na kami nakakasimba ng regular)

Ako: But you have to go to church every Sunday starting now.

(i recently promised myself that i will teach my kids the value of religion, even if i don't actually believe in it)

Dale: No, i don't want to go to church... i'm going home! hmp! hmp!

(by now, napapansin niyo na siguro na mahilig siyang magsabi ng 'hmp!' pag galit siya)

Ako: Baby, you are not going home. You're going to finish the service. We'll go home after an hour.

Dale: I don't love you! I love Mama and Papa. Pupunta ko ng States! hmp! hmp!

(may tears na ito... and when he cries his dimples start to show... hehe... Dale's expression of disappointment in someone is telling him/her that he doesn't love that person... but he doesn't mean it, believe me...)

Ako: Baby, you need a passport and a ticket to go to the States. Shush!

(looking at me quizzically...)

Dale: what's that?

Ako: (patay mali) what's what?

Dale: passport! what's that?

Ako: ah.. eh... it's like an ID that you use in school... you need to have an ID before they let you go to the States. (darn it.)

Dale: I have an ID! (oo nga naman...)

Ako: You have a school ID. But you don't have a passport.

(silence... di na niya siguro ma-gets... ako rin eh.)

Dale: I want to go to the States. hmp! hmp!

Ako: Baby, you don't have a ticket, too.

Dale: I will buy ticket. hmp! hmp!

(karga ko na siya nito)

Ako: Baby, the ticket to the States costs too much.

Dale: How much?

Ako: (thinking that he wouldn't grasp the concept of money)we can't afford it. It's too expensive.

Dale: How much??? (okay, okay!)

Ako: Ok, it's 60T pesos.

Dale: What??? 60T???!!! Not one thousand? (astoundingly loud with matching hand gestures)

Ako: Shush! No, baby... it's 60T.

(resting his head on my shoulder, feeling resigned...)


(after a while, he asked me another heart-wrenching question...)

Dale: Do you have 60T?

Ako: (utang na loob!!!!!) No, baby... I don't even have one thousand...


tumahimik na siya nito.. dinala ko na rin kasi siya sa sindihan ng kandila para medyo malibang...

Dale speaks in English ever since he could speak. We often experience some difficulty with this 'coz not all people the he encounters are equipped with an english tongue. even his Dad gets frustrated at times.. hehe...

Yung teacher niya hindi alam kung magrereklamo o pupurihin siya kasi minsan daw nauubusan siya ng english... and there's only two of them in class who speaks in english... Dale and Kim (guapo at autistic din)...

Like dati nung nasa hospital siya, he was constantly eating pizza that he was dubbed as the 'pizza boy' by the nurses...

Doctor: eto pala yung pizza boy...

(Dale was watching TV and eating pizza and ignoring the nice doctor)

Doctor: ano'ng kinakain mo kuya? (listening to his breathing, taking his temp, and all that jazz)

(Dale still watching the TV, ignores the nice doctor)

Doctor: kuya... ano'ng kinakain mo?

(Dale still watching the TV, ignores the nice doctor)

Doctor: and suplado naman ni kuya... (sabay hawak sa chin niya)

Ako: er... you might wanna try talking to him in english... (wincing)

Doctor: ay, ganon? english spokening dollars pala si kuya eh... kuya, what's that you're eating?

Dale: (not taking his eyes of the TV) pizza.

I sometimes feel apologetic at some point that I realized Dale needs to learn how to speak and understand Tagalog... so we let him watch Tagalog shows on TV... and translate Engligh words to him to Tagalog... minsan he asks the Tagalog word himself...

Now, he understands Tagalog and speaks in Tagalog, too... sinasanay na namin... but he sounds funny when he does... medyo slang. haha.

naawa ako sa kanya 'coz he couldn't understand some of life's realities... pero little by little, he's coming out of his shell... and i'm sure that sooner or later, he will be able to understand that not all roses are red.

i'm just hoping that it will come sooner and not later...



nagtataka si Ronald kung bakit ako biglang 'bumait'. hindi ko na daw siya sinisigawan or minumura... tingnan mo nga naman... maging masama o mabuti ugali mo, papansinin ka rin... nyahahaha...

ayoko lang mangyari sa akin ang nangyari sa N'Sync... hehehe....

I Drive Myself Crazy
N'Sync

Lying in your arms
So close together
Didn't know just what I had
Now I toss and turn
Cause I'm without you
How I'm missing you so bad
Where was my head?
Where was my heart?
Now I cry alone in the dark
I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
When I let you go, baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do

I was such a fool
I couldn't see it
Just how good you were to me

You confessed your love
Undying devotion
I confessed my need to be free
And now I'm left
With all this pain
I've only got myself to blame

I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
When I let you go baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do

Why didn't I know it
(How much I loved you, baby)
Why couldn't I show it
(If I had only told you)
When I had the chance
Oh, I had the chance

I drive myself crazy
Oh, so crazy
I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
Let you go, baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do

I lie awake
I drive myself crazy
Made a mistake
Let you go, baby
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do
I drive myself crazy
wanting you the way that I do

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

of being broke and picking up the pieces

i'm sad... coz i'm broke... and since my parents went to the States, and I was left to shoulder all the house expenses, i couldn't even buy myself a shirt... or even take my kids to the mall... that's how broke i've become... to some people, this might be an exaggeration... but, to illustrate:

16,600 - this is my monthly salary

take off the deductions (SSS, SSS loan, tax, etc.), i get about 13T a month.

now here are the bills that i pay for:

2500 - credit card (darn it)
3000 - Meralco (darn it, darn it, darn it)
2800 - MWSS
2000 - yaya
3000 - food
1200 - kids' school expenses (wala pa dito yung service, and Anton's)

dito pa lang, 14,500 na... wala pa dyan yung pamasahe ko, baon ko, at kulang pa yung sa food, wala pa yung grocery, yung gas, at mga miscellaneous expenses...

yung sa Meralco, wala pa kaming aircon niyan... ang meron kami, pump for the water na every 2 days naming binubuksan...

ni hindi na kami bumibili ng newspaper because it's added expense... walang laman ang cupboard namin... minsan wala na ring sugar and all those stuff...

now, you can tell me if what i am feeling is an exaggeration.

i am lucky enough to have a sister-in-law, Liza, and of course her husband, my Kuya Dudei, who lends me money when i need it...

and now, Ronald is taking care of some of our needs... and he also gives me some money when i ask him for some...

you see, Ronald is living in an apartment (where we used to live) next to his parents' house... he also pays for it... and other bills... even if he is now a store manager he is getting almost like what i'm getting because he's got too many deductions especially since he got a car.

i left the apartment when we fought and when i also got in a fight with his mom... so, even if we are in good terms now, we do not live together... he just goes to our house to visit me and the kids... he sometimes sleeps with us...

so, basically, he's also paying for his own living expenses and i cannot just ask him to shoulder everything in our house... i can understand din naman...

this arrangement works well, but of course, i get tired of it sometimes... it works well, because we now rarely fight... we also get to miss each other...

but being alone in a house full of kids who seems to not listen to you when you're angry gets pretty crazy... minsan naiyak na lang ako sa frustration... kids really need constant supervision not only from me, but also from their father.

kanina, i texted him and told him that i am sad today coz i'm broke... he texted back and told me to smile... and that he'll bring food later...

if you are to ask me if i still love my husband, i will have to say YES. Kahit ano pa sigurong nangyari before... kahit gano kasakit, i will still love him... because first of all, he is the father of my kids...

and even if he was irresponsible at some aspects, he makes sure that his kids will be getting a good future... he already assured Anea and Dale's college education... si Anton na lang ang wala pa... hindi niya rin ako binibigyan ng problema pag enrolment na ni Anea.

lalo na ngayon, yung mga kailangan ng mga bata sa school, inaasikaso na rin niya... kasi, i make it a point to let him know what the children needs... napansin ko kasi sa kanya, unless sinabi mo, hindi niya gagawin... walang kusa, kumbaga... he needs a little nudge.

so that's what i'm doing now... giving him a push now and then...

i also text him now everyday, telling him how i'm feeling and asking him how he is... little by little, binabalik ko na yung dating ako... i need a lot of work, i know... pero, i'm wishing that i'll get there and bring back the girl he once loved... yung matabil kong dila na lang ang primary problem ko, lalo na kapag nagagalit ako...

SAWA na kasi ako... i'm fed up with living like you do not have anyone to share everything with... iniisip ko yung future... iniisip ko yung mga panahon na masaya kaming dalawa... and gusto kong ibalik yun...

hindi ko kasi ma-picture sa utak ko na mainvolve pa sa ibang lalake na alam kong may kakayahan din naman akong lokohin... lahat sila, basta lapitan ng virus, mahahawa. ang tangi ko na lang sigurong magagawa ay maging matatag na anti-body para malabanan niya ang mga virus na ito...

sana lang, wag ng maulit pa yung nakaraan... kasi masakit na masira muli ang tiwala lalo na't napakaraming taon mo itong pilit na ibinalik...

in fairness, maaga namang umuwi si Ronald.. nasa bahay naman kapag restday niya... hindi niya pa rin ipinapakita sa akin ang celfone niya, pero i'm wishing na wala na talaga... ako rin naman, ayokong ayoko ang pinapakialaman ang celfone ko.

sana lang, wala ng mga babaeng haliparot ang lalapit sa asawa ko, gayong alam naman nilang may asawa na ito... sana din, wala ng makitang mga ganitong babae ang asawa ko...

hindi ako righteous... alam ko kung pano ma-in-lab... alam ko na mahirap pigilan ang damdamin, pero sana naman, gamitin din ang utak...

para sa mga babae:

sana lang maisip ninyo na maraming lalake pa sa mundo...
sana lang na maisip ninyo na hindi lang buhay ng mga asawa ang nasisira ninyo,
kundi lalo na ang mga anak...
sana lang maisip ninyo na ang pagmamahal napipigilan naman talaga
kung gugustuhin ninyo... at kaya niyo rin itong ibaling sa iba...
sana wag na ninyong ibaling pa sa mga lalaking may pamilya na...
sana huwag kayong maging manhid...
kung nararamdaman na ninyo na napapalapit kayo sa lalaking may asawa na,
wag na ninyong lalo pang palalimin ang unawaan ninyo...
dyan naman talaga naguumpisa yan eh... sa usap-usap... sa text-text... sa YM...
sa pasabay-sabay sa kotse pauwi... kilabutan naman sana kayo...

kung hindi ninyo alam, MASAKIT ang maloko...
MASAKIT ang ipagpalit sa iba...
MASAKIT ang iwan ng lalaking ipinagkaloob mo ang lahat...

at lalong lalo ng MASAKIT ang ipagpalit ka sa babaeng sugpo. tanong niyo pa kay Sugar.

at sana maisip ninyo lagi: KUNG MAGAGAWA SA ASAWA, LALONG MAGAGAWA SA KABIT....

isep-isep...

kaya sa mga sandaling ito, naiisip ko si Ronald... iniisip ko kung kumain na ba siya o kung ok lang ba siya sa trabaho... iniisip ko kung nagiingat siya sa pagda-drive... iniisip ko kung ilang kiss ang ibibigay ko sa kanya pag uwi niya sa bahay...

mahal ko ang asawa ko...

ngayon, kaya ko na uling sabihin ito.

Friday, August 19, 2005

tired

i dunno... i just feel too tired... for no reason at all... i can't wait to go home and get a relaxing sleep... i also cannot wait to see my loved ones... and talk to my kids about their day in school... i need a massage!!!!

Dale started to eat pritong Alumahan two days ago... and he keeps on asking for some... hehehe...

Anea is always complaining how hard her exams were...

Anton is still so makulit...

Ronald is starting to impress me with his sudden streak of responsible parenthood... i dunno if that's good or bad...

and i'm still tired.

i need a massage!!!



Song for the day:

Stupid
Sarah Mclachlan

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling
where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as
I floundered unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

Thursday, August 18, 2005

from being sick to feeling high

absent ako kanina sa office... masama kasi pakiramdam ko gabi pa lang, nilalagnat ako... nagising ako ng ala una ng umaga... tumawag na lang ako sa opisina na hindi na ako papasok para kung hindi man ako magising ng 2 hours before ng shift ko, hindi ako mama-markahan ng NCNS (no call no show)... nung tanghali, naisip kong pumasok... pero hindi ko kinaya kasi dinalaw na ako ng antok...

meron naman akong nagawa kahit na masama ang pakiramdam ko... maganda naman ang kinalabasan... sa susunod na buwan ang bagong simula ng yugto ng buhay ko... sana matupad... yun nga lang, sa pagdating ng bagong pag-asa sa pagasenso at pag-angat, kailangang magsakripisyo ng oras at pagod...

nagiging busy-busyhan na ang blog na ito... ang cute ng mga gifs sa gilid no? hehehe... i couldn't resist putting them here... they're so cute... ang totoo niyan, napakarami pang naka-save sa PC ko, pero hindi ko pa sila naho-host... at baka sa sobrang dami ay lalong bumagal ang blog na ito... magrereklamo na naman si Mai at si Scarface.

since wala ng atang unkymoods maraming blogs ang ngayon ay nalulungkot... pero nakakita ako ng way para mai-save ang ilang images/moods sa aking PC, ang voila! every post, pwede ko na lang lagyan ng unkymood... nyehehehe....

weniwei... nonsense na naman to... bukas na lang ulit... nagagalit na si Dale kasi gusto niyang gamitin ang PC...

masarap magmura

Anea kanina naga-aral si Anea at nagpaturo sa akin ng metric conversion, hindi niya kasi ito natutunan dahil nasa ospital siya nung tinuro ito... Since matanda na ko, hindi ko na maalala lahat yun... kinailangan kong hanapin ito sa Gugel... nako-convert ko naman, ang kaso, mali daw... kasi may tamang solusyon o proseso ng pagsagot... kahit na tama ang end result, kung mali ang solusyon, hindi daw siya tama lahat.

@#$%^&*!!!!! Pesteng mga titser yan... ano naman kasi ang kaso kung iba ang proseso mo ng pag come up ng sagot (alam ko ang sagot sa tanong ko, napag-aralan namin yun sa pi-en-yu, pero hindi ko rin yun matanggap)? Kung ako ang titser, kahit pano mo pa ginawa yun... kung kinailangan mong magdasal sa lahat ng santo... kung kinailangan mong mag-tumbling habang nagbibilang... kung kinailangan mong gamitin pati daliri mo sa paa... kahit anong mambo jumbo gawin mo sa skrats peyper mo, wala akong paki... basta ang sagot mo sa huli na nakabilog ay korek...

ang sarap pagsasampalin ng mga gurong ganito... at mind you, maraming crackpot na titser na nakakalat... nung isang linggo lang, gumawa kami ng proyekto niya sa Math... eh mabagal mag-tayp, 10 word problems for each operation (addition, subtraction, multiplication at division) pa naman, so marami ito... kaya ako na lang... nung matatapos na ako, biglang sabi ni Anea, mali daw... habang nakataas ang kilay kong nagiisip ng @#$%^&, wag mong sabihing uulitin ko to, sabi niya dapat daw one word problem per page... one tayms ten tayms por.... kalkyuleyt.... kuarenta!!!! 40 pages plus yung mga definition of terms pa at mga title pages... 46!

@#$%^&!!!, di ba?

di ko magets kung bakit ganun... sino bang gusto nilang pahirapan? ang estudyante, o ang mga magulang? aba, nung natapos akong magtayp, 20 pages lang dapat... sayang ang additional na 26 pages no! sayang sa bond paper, sayang din sa toner ng printer, sayang din sa pagod dahil @#$%^&!! tapos na ko kanina, ngayon aayusin ko na naman...

although, pagbalik nung proyekto, A- siya, at siya daw ang highest... sabi ko lang sa sarili ko, @#$%^&* dapat lang.

pramis, gigil na gigil na ako sa mga titser na ganito... yun pang mga tipong magpapagawa ng napakahirap na proyekto, at syempre pa, pag mahirap ako na lang ang gagawa o tutulungan ko siya... tapos @#$%^! pag balik ng proyekto, sasabihin pa sa anak mo na hindi siya ang gumawa nun...

tapos pag ang anak mo naman ang pinagawa mo ng proyekto, @#$%^, mababa naman ang grade dahil syempre hindi maganda...

ano ba talaga, kuya? ate?

nag-aral ba kayo sa pi-en-yu? o sa NTC? o sa Peyups? Dun sa magagaling na eskuwelahan na tinuturo ang tamang pagiging titser... o baka naman kasuka-suka lang talaga ang mga inaarte niyo sa buhay... o wala kayong lablayp at sa mga bata ninyo ibinubunton, mga @#$%^& kayo?

syempre, ako naman kanina... nabbwisit na tuloy... kasi hindi ko na maalala yung tamang proseso... dumating ang tatay niya... tinuruan na rin siya, maya-maya, sumisigaw na ito... maya-maya, sumisigaw na ng "Ma...! Alika nga rito!"

pagdating ko sa opisina (may opis kami sa bahay), nagkakamot na ng ulo yung tatay niya habang tinatanong siya ng gets mo na?! and to her father's dismay... umiling ang bata.

sumuko ang tatay... umuwi ng luhaan sa tinitirhan niyang apartment...

ako na naman... @#$%^&*, maluha-luha din ako sa lahat ng emosyong nararamdaman ko... naisip ko, ironic, kasi lisensyado akong titser... pero sabat naman ng inner self ko, English titser ka naman at hindi Math...

hm.... may point ang inner self.

nung kahulihan, sumuko kaming pareho... sabi ko na lang, hayaan mo ng mali ang solution, basta tama yung answer... pag-aralan mo yung ibang topics para at least dun, perfect ka pag nakuha mong lahat... tapos, unahin mo yung madadaling items ng exam at ihuli mo yung conversion... tango lang ang sinagot sa kin ng panganay ko.

gusto kong umiyak sa frustration.

gusto kong umiyak dahil nakaka-guilty.

wala akong kwentang ina at titser.

wala.

w
a
l
a.

w a l a .

w a l a .
wala.

kahit san ko pa ilugar, wala talaga.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

bawal huminga... mag Aux-1 pag kukurap

nag-umpisa na ang martial law... rally! hunger strike! hehe. tama lang naman siguro ang nangyari... madami kasing pasaway... isa na ako dun! well... tingnan na lang natin kung epektib sa mga taong makukulit ang ganitong sistema... abangan ang susunod na kabanata.



ngayon ko lang nalaman na meron pala tayong dila sa itaas... oo nga... tanong niyo kay Anne

*wakokoko*



tinext ako ng sup kong si Claire kahapon... magkakaron daw ng opening for trainer... apply daw ako... naisip ko na yun noon pa... pero ewan ko ba... mashado kasing mataas ang tingin ko sa mga trainers ng PS... sila ang mga Diyos-dyosan sa aking paningin dito sa trabaho... na tinitingala ng mga tao... hindi lang dahil level 5 na sila... pero ang gagaling kasi nilang magsalita ng ingles... lalo na ang mother hen nila... katakot! di naman ako kasi ganun ka fluent... sabi ko nga noon. pero masaya ang maging trainer... bukod sa malaki ang sweldo, maraming perks...

gusto ko na talagang magturo, pramis... pero hindi ko kakayanin ang Experian trainer... kasi babalik na naman ako sa panggabi... ayaw! nasanay na kasi ang mga anak ko na nasa bahay ako kapag matutulog na... lalo na ngayon, wala dito sa Pinas ang mga magulang kong dati naming kasama sa bahay...

bahala na...

pero eto, atin-atin lang ha... secret natin to... wag niyong sasabihin kay Claire... Claire, wag mo tong basahin... magre-resign na ako next year!!!! nyahahahaha!

pramis, totoo na... kasi ang lakas na po ng teaching urge sa dugo, puso, at utak ko... pasensya na, pero yun ang totoo... dapat nga, this year na... as in last week! hahahaha! kaso lang, sayang ang 13th month pay! buti nasabi sa akin yun ng guardian kuting ko... pambayad ko yun ng mga utang kong lagpas na sa langit sa dami...

red ribbon on my left index finger: may utang nga pala ako kay Mai... shhh.... wag niyong paalala.... wakokokoko....

so, ayun... i decided to sacrifice the good company, the good pay and benefits, and the good people, for a job that i dreamed of doing... di ko pa alam kung sa anagogy (adult training) o pedagogy (youth) ang linya... pero teaching nonetheless...

tatanong mo sa kin, pwede naman palang training, bakit di na lang sa PS? yung sagot nasabi ko na... nyahahahaha.... dun na lang ako sa mga training schools talaga... walang masyadong pressure eh...

kaya, sana makahanap ako ng magandang mapapasukan, yung hindi naman ako kukubain pero mabubuhay kami sa tatanggapin kong sweldo... hirap kasing maghanap ng teaching job na malaki ang sweldo sa Pinas.



senti naman tayo...

alam mo, nami-miss ko ang may ka-in-lab-an... we all get flat once in a while, di ba? nami-miss ko yung may tinetext... yung may sinasabihan ng 'i lab u' bago niyo ibaba ang telepono... nami-miss ko yung manonood kayo ng sine... nami-miss ko yung nagho-holding-hands... nami-miss ko yung kisses... nami-miss ko yung mga sulat... nami-miss ko yung mga moments na nagluluto kayo together...

in short, nami-miss ko yung dating Ronald... pramis... *sniff*



Can You Help Me
Usher

Living on the edge, out of control
and the world just wont let me slow down
But in my biggest picture, was a photo of you and me
Girl, you know I tried
I work hard to provide all that material things
that I thought would make you happy
I'm confused can you make me understand
coz i try to give u the best of me
I thought we were cool, maybe i was blind
but never took time to see

Can u help me?
tell me what you want from me
Can you help me?
Tell me why you wanna leave
Baby, help me
Without you my whole world
Is falling apart and i'm going crazy
Life's a prison when your in love alone

l need u to come back home
I dont wanna be alone

Girl i put your love up on a shelf
and i guess i just left it to die
and now we're not together coz
i hurt you too many times
and now your not around
i wish for every moment of time
that got wasted we used it to make sweet love
baby, be my guide, please take my hand
want you to know that i got ya if you need it
dont wanna be on the outside, lookin in
i gotta have you girl can't you see...

Will you help me?
tell me what you want from me
Can you help me?
tell me why you wanna leave
baby, help me coz without you
my whole world is falling apart
and without you I think I'll go crazy
life's a prison when you're in love alone
i need you to come back home
I dont want to be alone

Please stay, dont go...
give me another chance
i wanna be your man
girl you got me down here
on my knees cryin, begging, pleading
i'll do anything for your love... would you...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

www.boredom.com

badtrip tong araw na to... masakit kasi tsan ko kanina pang umaga... yung the kind na hangin ang laman, at paikot-ikot lang ito? sana kung nailalabas ko ang hangin na ito... pero nakailang dighay na ko, hindi pa rin maalis yung sakit... nakakatatlong baso na nga ako ng tsaa eh... kasi parang naghahanap yung sikmura ko ng mainit... sana na nga lang kung naje-jebs ako, pero hinde!!!

ang siste, punta ako ng punta sa CR para magwiwi... tapos, nawalan na ako ng ganang mag-trabaho... well, tinatamad na talaga ako hindi lang dahil sa masama ang pakiramdam ko... nakakatamad na rin kasi yung mag-trabaho ka just because you need to, and not because you want to... naiinggit tuloy ako kay Archie kasi siya nago-OJT na sa isang public school.. gumagawa na siya ng mga lesson plan... parang ang saya ng ginagawa niya kahit mahirap...

ewan... siguro maraming tao ang di makikita ang relevance ng sinasabi ko... mahirap naman kasi talaga ang magturo... pero i find true joy in the prospect of teaching ang molding kids... and if I were a millionaire, I'd probably have two more kids... and adopt five more. kahit magulo, masaya naman...

eh, hindi ako milyonaryo... kaya having three kids will have to do... plus Bea, my cute pamangkin who turned one today... nauna yung party niya ung Sunday.

basta, i promise myself, as soon as I am able... and if in some insane way I get my finances straight, I will resign from this boredom and pursue what i wanna do... and be happy about it.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Just In Case

as i was browsing through my Windows Media Player, rating all the songs on it, I noticed that I have the song that I was searching for all along... hehehehe.... so last Friday to Saturday, it was all I listened to at the office... like a broken record. I dunno, i'm a sucker for nice (kilig) lyrics, even if the beat is somewhat fast. Here's the song:



Just in Case
Jaheim

Just in case I don't make it home tonight
Let me make love to you for the last time, baby
Wanna cherish each moment like the last
Cause baby you're all that I have
So just in case

Think of how we made love almost anywhere
Haven't I taken you almost everywhere
Think of all the things that, that we shared
Then imagine me not there, oh

Giving you more karats than a rabbit
Got you living lavish
Anything I've got, you can have it
Baby I'll do magic
I'll do all I can, to keep you satisfied
So just in case I don't make it home tonight, baby

Haven't I made you feel so special
As your man I've held your hand
Never letting go
Let you hold the keys to the Lex, huh to drive
Gave you all you need and more as long as I'm alive

Even from the heavens up above
I'll shine all around
Too much is never enough
Ooh you're all I want
Even when I'm gone, our love will carry on
It's just that strong
So just in case

Baby you know I love you
More than anything in this whole world
You're my anything, my everything
My wife, my queen
So if something happens to me
There's something you need to know, oh



Yesterday was Bea's 1st birthday, and her party was at McDonald's New Frontier... it was fun... especially since Dale and Anton were havin so much of it... they gamely went through one game to another... jumping all around the place and totally enjoying themselves... have a look:




Both of them got thrown out of this game.. but they didn't throw a fit either, unlike before... so i guess, it was really pretty amazing...

I let Anea's hair down for the party since it was already long and shiny... I wish I took a picture of her from my fone... coz everyone was saying just how pretty she was, especially her "balik bounce-bounce" hair... hehe...

this one was taken by Anea... you can take one wise guess which one of us is still in-love after 10 years of marriage... sad and pathetic, isn't it?

i envy most couples who still love one another... i sometimes ask God why Ronald was the one who was given to me... but then again, i thought i heard God answer me that He wasn't the one, but I chose and decided that Ronald was it...

I keep on thinking why him.... he isn't sweet... nor thoughtful... nor sensitive to my feelings... nor generous... nor showy...

because that's how I am... and that's also the kind of person I need...

but he was funny at that time. so, heck, i had my fair share i guess... i can't have it all...

but you know what? as long as my kids are happy, i don't care whether or not i am with my personal life... i guess, my only source of happiness is just my kids now... =)

so, if there is one problem i'm dwelling on right now, it's the fact that i'm insanefully BROKE. Duh? Who isn't nowadays? =)

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Cyborg Name

Got this from here. Here is my Cyborg name:



sinubukan ko ulit, at eto ang resulta:

10 Things


1. my folks are now in California... they flew in yesterday morning... hoping that they will have a better chances of getting a higher-paying job... and hoping they won't get sick or something...

2. my blog is getting busier... and i wasn't aware that Sideblog free edition didn't come with archives, so I guess i'm kinda disappointed... archiving is available for premium members, though. so i'm not sure what i'm gonna do... if i'm gonna take them off... (thinking)

3. i signed up for a few stuff like 43Things and Flicker... will add them to my template this weekend.

4. Chikka, my Kuya Dudei's pet chowchow died 2 days ago (due to pneumonia, they think). He's still a baby... just a few months old... and they were not sad because they lost 15T worth of investment, but because Chikka was so adorable and they all miss her so much... sad no? So now, they have 4 adult shih-tzus left and i dunno how many shih-tzu pups... I know that Tiny (one of them) is now pregnant again. Kuya is raising shih-tzus for business. If you wanna buy one, i think their price is from 9T - 11T depending on the sex and whatever. I couldn't understand their buying terms. hehe. Breed and color of the pups and soon-to-be pups are sooooo nice... especially the chocolate-colored ones... send me an email if you wanna reserve a pup, coz they always sell like hotcakes.

5. I am now looking for a part-time job to augment my meager (hehe) earnings. I'm wallowing in debt and I hate the feeling of helplessness... I applied for one and I'm contemplating if I will pursue it... it might be hard 'coz the travel time might be a problem. It's near EDSA and traffic was bad at that time... so, i'm looking for other job options.

6. I am still reading books and listening to CDs about learning to speak Spanish... however, i'm beginning to think that i'm getting nowhere... learning without practice is not learning at all.

7. Anea and Anton are always singing nowadays... thanks to their Yaya Baby's influence. And on top of that, Anton has started calling everyone Ate (naging magalang ng konti), and singing with feelings and in correct tone, mind you... how cute is that?

8. Dale is improving, according to his teacher... we always encourage him to write everyday and listen to his teacher... and he does them because I said if he doesn't I will call Papa and tell him not to send Dale CDs with games anymore. I'm such a bad Mom. hehehe.

9. The weather is nice nowadays... but I'm just saying this 'coz i'm in the office when it's raining and i'm not the one getting wet... it's cold during the night and I always get sleepy... it was fun, until Anea developed a cold and couldn't sleep well... wawa.

10. My cousin, Lexel, is getting married in September to Ihyne (nice lady)... and I was assigned to be commentator... good luck, di ba? har-har. So now I have to buy a new set of presentable clothes... coz all i have in my closet are jeans and shirts... pathetic.

I could list a few more, but I haven't got much time... so I guess, this list will do, for now....

Don't change

I'm not sure if I posted this already.... anyway, this beautiful song deserves a second (and a third, fourth...) post. I hope all guys are like this. Well, at least the part that they love their girl unconditionally, and faithfully... even if they grow old and gain weight.




Don't Change
Musiq

Lately you've been questioning
If I still see you the same way
Coz through these trying years
We gonna both physically change
Now don't you know you'll always be
The most beautiful woman I know
So let me reassure you darlin' that
My feelings are truly unconditional

See, I'll love you when your
hair turns gray, girl
I'll still want you if you gain
a little weight, yeah
The way I feel for you will
always be the same
Just as long as your love
don't change, No

I was meant for you and
you were meant for me, yeah
And I'll make sure that
I'll be everything you need, yeah
Girl the way we are is how it's gonna be
Just as long as your love don't change

'Cause I'm not impressed, more or less
By them girls in the T.V and magazines
'Cause honestly I believe that your beauty
Is way more than skin deep
'Cause everything about you makes me feel
I have the greatest gift in the world
And even when you get on my last nerve
I couldn't see myself being with another girl

So don't waste your time worrying 'bout
Small things that ain't relevant to me
'Cause to my understanding
you're all I want and need
See, what I'm trying to say
is I'm here to stay
And as long as your love doesn't change
Baby, baby darling I swear that I,
I swear I ain't going nowhere, no

You are my baby
Don't you change
baby I love you
got to know,
Yeah, yeah

Monday, August 08, 2005

a life full of images

marami akong hindi naisulat sa blog na ito. kaninang tiningnan ko ang aking telepono (cheap lang to, kaya malabo ang mga litrato), ang dami na palang mga litrato dito. at nalaman ko rin na merong ibang taong gumamit. hehehe. kaya ngayong day-off ko naman at wala akong gagawin dito sa bahay, naisipan kong i-post na ang mga litratong ito...

ito ang mga litratong sabi ni Dale ay siya raw ang kumuha:

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ang yaya Baby nila:

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at ang calculator na ginagamit niya pag tinatanong ko siya ng ten minus six at gusto niyang mandaya (ngayon ay wala na ang calculator na ito. har-har-har!):

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na pati ang TV kinunan din:

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kung kanino mang ano ito, ayoko ng alamin:

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at ang mga ito naman ay in-edit niya gamit ng software sa
aking telepono na ang tawag ay FotoFunPack2:

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at ang sunog sa may amin habang ako ay kumakain ng
paborito kong mangga at isda:

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ito naman ang mga hitsura ko pag ako ay nasisiraan ng bait (bagong gising):

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o kung ako ay nasa opisina at nakikinig ng mp3s:

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ito ang pamangkin kong kasing cute ko, pero mas maldita kesa sa kin:

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na naglalakad na, kaso lang laging natutumba:

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at ang bebe kong school boy na:

schoolboy Anton Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

at ang aking anak na kambal:

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noon pa ako nagke-crave ng talaba... nami-miss ko kasi ang inuman ng tatay ko at mga kaibigan niya... hindi nawawalan dati ng talaba sa lamesang puro pulutan. nasabi ko ito kay Ronald matagal na, at isang araw, dumating siya sa bahay ng may dalang talaba, tahong, at tokwa--lahat paborito ko... yun nga lang, pahirapan. kasi pers taym kong gagawa ng kilawing talaba. di ko alam kung pano ito bubuksan (nalaman ko na lang after na pinapakuluan pala yun para bumuka--huateber!!!!). ito ang naging resulta:

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hindi ko na nakunan ang finished product, kasi pagkaluto palang nito sa suka, finished na siya agad at napunta na sa tsan ni Ronald. Mana ako sa tatay ko pag tsumatsamba sa pagluluto.

and lastly, images that will never make the Mirror Project:

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maraming nangyayari sa buhay ko na hindi ko rin nailalagay lahat dito... meron kasing mga bagay na nakakalimutan, meron din namang mga bagay na ayoko ng maalala pa kahit kelan.

pero sa lahat ng taong naging parte ng buhay ko... sa lahat ng karamay sa saya at lungkot... SALAMAT NG MARAMI.