Tuesday, August 23, 2005

of being broke and picking up the pieces

i'm sad... coz i'm broke... and since my parents went to the States, and I was left to shoulder all the house expenses, i couldn't even buy myself a shirt... or even take my kids to the mall... that's how broke i've become... to some people, this might be an exaggeration... but, to illustrate:

16,600 - this is my monthly salary

take off the deductions (SSS, SSS loan, tax, etc.), i get about 13T a month.

now here are the bills that i pay for:

2500 - credit card (darn it)
3000 - Meralco (darn it, darn it, darn it)
2800 - MWSS
2000 - yaya
3000 - food
1200 - kids' school expenses (wala pa dito yung service, and Anton's)

dito pa lang, 14,500 na... wala pa dyan yung pamasahe ko, baon ko, at kulang pa yung sa food, wala pa yung grocery, yung gas, at mga miscellaneous expenses...

yung sa Meralco, wala pa kaming aircon niyan... ang meron kami, pump for the water na every 2 days naming binubuksan...

ni hindi na kami bumibili ng newspaper because it's added expense... walang laman ang cupboard namin... minsan wala na ring sugar and all those stuff...

now, you can tell me if what i am feeling is an exaggeration.

i am lucky enough to have a sister-in-law, Liza, and of course her husband, my Kuya Dudei, who lends me money when i need it...

and now, Ronald is taking care of some of our needs... and he also gives me some money when i ask him for some...

you see, Ronald is living in an apartment (where we used to live) next to his parents' house... he also pays for it... and other bills... even if he is now a store manager he is getting almost like what i'm getting because he's got too many deductions especially since he got a car.

i left the apartment when we fought and when i also got in a fight with his mom... so, even if we are in good terms now, we do not live together... he just goes to our house to visit me and the kids... he sometimes sleeps with us...

so, basically, he's also paying for his own living expenses and i cannot just ask him to shoulder everything in our house... i can understand din naman...

this arrangement works well, but of course, i get tired of it sometimes... it works well, because we now rarely fight... we also get to miss each other...

but being alone in a house full of kids who seems to not listen to you when you're angry gets pretty crazy... minsan naiyak na lang ako sa frustration... kids really need constant supervision not only from me, but also from their father.

kanina, i texted him and told him that i am sad today coz i'm broke... he texted back and told me to smile... and that he'll bring food later...

if you are to ask me if i still love my husband, i will have to say YES. Kahit ano pa sigurong nangyari before... kahit gano kasakit, i will still love him... because first of all, he is the father of my kids...

and even if he was irresponsible at some aspects, he makes sure that his kids will be getting a good future... he already assured Anea and Dale's college education... si Anton na lang ang wala pa... hindi niya rin ako binibigyan ng problema pag enrolment na ni Anea.

lalo na ngayon, yung mga kailangan ng mga bata sa school, inaasikaso na rin niya... kasi, i make it a point to let him know what the children needs... napansin ko kasi sa kanya, unless sinabi mo, hindi niya gagawin... walang kusa, kumbaga... he needs a little nudge.

so that's what i'm doing now... giving him a push now and then...

i also text him now everyday, telling him how i'm feeling and asking him how he is... little by little, binabalik ko na yung dating ako... i need a lot of work, i know... pero, i'm wishing that i'll get there and bring back the girl he once loved... yung matabil kong dila na lang ang primary problem ko, lalo na kapag nagagalit ako...

SAWA na kasi ako... i'm fed up with living like you do not have anyone to share everything with... iniisip ko yung future... iniisip ko yung mga panahon na masaya kaming dalawa... and gusto kong ibalik yun...

hindi ko kasi ma-picture sa utak ko na mainvolve pa sa ibang lalake na alam kong may kakayahan din naman akong lokohin... lahat sila, basta lapitan ng virus, mahahawa. ang tangi ko na lang sigurong magagawa ay maging matatag na anti-body para malabanan niya ang mga virus na ito...

sana lang, wag ng maulit pa yung nakaraan... kasi masakit na masira muli ang tiwala lalo na't napakaraming taon mo itong pilit na ibinalik...

in fairness, maaga namang umuwi si Ronald.. nasa bahay naman kapag restday niya... hindi niya pa rin ipinapakita sa akin ang celfone niya, pero i'm wishing na wala na talaga... ako rin naman, ayokong ayoko ang pinapakialaman ang celfone ko.

sana lang, wala ng mga babaeng haliparot ang lalapit sa asawa ko, gayong alam naman nilang may asawa na ito... sana din, wala ng makitang mga ganitong babae ang asawa ko...

hindi ako righteous... alam ko kung pano ma-in-lab... alam ko na mahirap pigilan ang damdamin, pero sana naman, gamitin din ang utak...

para sa mga babae:

sana lang maisip ninyo na maraming lalake pa sa mundo...
sana lang na maisip ninyo na hindi lang buhay ng mga asawa ang nasisira ninyo,
kundi lalo na ang mga anak...
sana lang maisip ninyo na ang pagmamahal napipigilan naman talaga
kung gugustuhin ninyo... at kaya niyo rin itong ibaling sa iba...
sana wag na ninyong ibaling pa sa mga lalaking may pamilya na...
sana huwag kayong maging manhid...
kung nararamdaman na ninyo na napapalapit kayo sa lalaking may asawa na,
wag na ninyong lalo pang palalimin ang unawaan ninyo...
dyan naman talaga naguumpisa yan eh... sa usap-usap... sa text-text... sa YM...
sa pasabay-sabay sa kotse pauwi... kilabutan naman sana kayo...

kung hindi ninyo alam, MASAKIT ang maloko...
MASAKIT ang ipagpalit sa iba...
MASAKIT ang iwan ng lalaking ipinagkaloob mo ang lahat...

at lalong lalo ng MASAKIT ang ipagpalit ka sa babaeng sugpo. tanong niyo pa kay Sugar.

at sana maisip ninyo lagi: KUNG MAGAGAWA SA ASAWA, LALONG MAGAGAWA SA KABIT....

isep-isep...

kaya sa mga sandaling ito, naiisip ko si Ronald... iniisip ko kung kumain na ba siya o kung ok lang ba siya sa trabaho... iniisip ko kung nagiingat siya sa pagda-drive... iniisip ko kung ilang kiss ang ibibigay ko sa kanya pag uwi niya sa bahay...

mahal ko ang asawa ko...

ngayon, kaya ko na uling sabihin ito.

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