Thursday, October 06, 2005

handling disappointment

disappointedour team was about to have an outing at Pansol, Laguna... it was all set... We were excited at the prospect of relaxing, and enjoying even a day outside the home-office routine. I even texted one of our former teammate, Otep, and invited him to come along... he said yes, and even filed for a leave so that he can join us... i was full of ripe thoughts about how we can spend the day...

until one by one, my teammates begged off... different reasons... different scenarios...

as i was the one who set the said outing, i felt disappointment hovering over me like a nimbus cloud. and when the day came that only 5 of us were sure of going... i felt totally sick and disgusted. the outing was off... how can 5 people from a team of 15 enjoy themselves?

i cannot blame it on these people... i cannot blame it on anything or anyone but myself.

Mai already warned me that this could happen, that this is a long-shot.... but i believed in people and i believed in their word. now, it got me thinking that BELIEF is not a guarantee that you will get what you want or desired. Belief is not enough.

as i told Mai, there was only one lesson learned from this all--wag kang epal.

i blame myself for believing that the the people around me can be considerate enough to think that the place was all set, already reserved and Otep have already filed for a leave.

i blame myself for believing that we were not a bunch of 12-year-olds who can think of what others are gonna be feeling...

i blame myself for being so eager to have this team building, so we can get to know each other more... since during feedback they always complain that we do not go out...

i blame myself... period.

now, i am sitting on my workstation, feeling dumb for blaming myself. because, why should i? i do not have a hold on people. i do not have a hold on how they feel, how they act, how they think... it was not me who made a mess of things... i have a good intention about this outing and getting this team together, even if it means being with some people you do not really know and felt indifferent on one time or another.

but this is what really matters... TEAM BUILDING... building a bond... building a chain... building friendships....

but much as i would like to feel a little lighter, there really is nothing in my heart but pure disappointment. and disappointment is one thing that i can rarely shake off easily. this will go on for God knows when. and i feel sorry for what i am feeling... coz this disappointment can wash over me, and control me, and make me angry.

there was only one person who taught me how to handle it... and it was nothing like anything i could have thought or even fathom... it was something that does not come to mind at the first spark of the plug... it was not something i thought was useful or even efficient....

it was prayer.

Just say this:
Lord, make me strong to resist all kinds of temptation. Show me how I may glorify You in my thoughts, words and actions. Grant me the grace to be quick to forgive, to grow in patience and to humbly regard others as more important than myself. I pray for the grace and strength to practice self-control in my life. Amen.

thanks, Ben.

For teaching me that the first person to call was the Lord.

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