i had a fitful sleep. Reasons are my own. So when i woke up in the morning, i was still fighting enormous, noisy yawns...
i took my morning bath, and took some time off to write a quick email to my Mom, who is worried sick because I wasn't writing to her often... she actually called from California to ask the help if I was sick. Now, that's what i call intuition, coz i really wasn't feeling great. I promised i'll go back to the doctor next week. I wish i could keep promises as easy as saying "yeah, right."
i got in the office on time, and i felt okay, though not good.
i put on my earphones and immediately switched my mushy playlist to have Chicane and B2K blare so loud so I'll not feel too sleepy... Yes, even a 30-year-old mother of 3 listens how Timberland & Amp swear on "Now Drop" and call it music.
Mai and Anne were also feeling a little rotten coz, hey, we're allowed to do that. So, when I was processing my 150th email, i stopped for a while. My mind, which was already brimming with too much silly information, thought of something... again.
why are you working? What can you gain, other than money, by working your ass off?
and then i stopped typing and chewed on my thumb nail.
No matter how much I switch my sitting position, or scratch my head, or roll my eyes... i cannot seem to think of a worthy reason why i had to work, except that... I NEED TO.
because, if i were not working...
...i couldn't put food on the table.
...i couldn't pay our bills.
...i couldn't watch a movie.
...i couldn't buy load for my fones.
...i couldn't buy clothes for me and my kids.
...i couldn't pay the help who looks after my kids so i could work.
...i couldn't buy Anton's maintenance medicine.
...i couldn't send Anton and Arolf to school.
...i couldn't pay for my lunch.
...i couldn't pay for my fare.
it all boils down to MONEY. it's a vicious cycle every single day. wake up-work-home-sleep. 15th-30th paydays that haven't even arrived and the money that you are expecting is already gone and budgeted to various payables...
nothing that can make me feel worthy, or complete, or significant.
i thought i should be working and also feel good about myself that i was doing it... i thought i should be working for a purpose other than money... but what could be a significant purpose of answering 300 emails a day, typing "Dear Valued Customer", "Thank you for writing." and "We apologize for any inconvenience." over and over and over again? Will i ever be gaining knowledge by doing this for too long?
i really do not think so. and then it dawned on me that i wasted two years of my life in this company, doing something that can never change the future of other people... or even make a mark.... and it made me feel rotten.
but then i looked at Mai when she laughed at my corniest joke ever...
and then i looked at Anne when she said "Thanks" when i answered one of her questions...
and then i typed NP (no problem) in reply to Chris' "ty po" when i also answered his query...
and then i apologetically told Dan that i didn't have my bottle of Advil with me and felt bad that i couldn't give him a cure to his headache...
and then i went out of my way so Augee can listen to "Here Without You" by "3 Doors Down"...
and then i deleted SPAM from the mailboxes so that they won't come in to the other rep's workspace, and our supervisor Claire won't have too many SPAM emails to delete herself...
and then i smiled.
how could i be so shallow? thinking that what i'm doing cannot alter one's life? that what i do for or say to people cannot be counted as doing something worthwhile?
Now, I realized... answering emails is just a job. It's what happens in between that can make you grow.
Whew. I think it's time to switch to Phil Collins. B2K is getting to my head.