Saturday, November 19, 2005

let me go

sad

i wanna meet the real me
who'll never be free
stuck in an island alone
waiting til the sun shone

i wanna meet who i once was
before i wore this mask
before i've grown tired
before you messed up my wire

please let me go
so i can see
so in time i'll know
where hides the real me.





i luv someone with Autism

Saturday, November 12, 2005

This Grudge

Fourteen years
thirty minutes
fifteen seconds
I've held this grudge


Eleven songs
four full journals
thoughts of punishment
I've expended

Not in contact
not a letter
such communication
telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece
of every record

But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?


I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us


Like an abandoned house
dusty covered
furniture
still intact
If I visit it now
do I simply re-live it
somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing


I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us


Maybe as I cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
much determined
ever ill-equipped
to draw this curtain
how this has entertained
validated
and has served me greatly
ever the victim

But who's done whining now?
Who's ready to put down
this load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember


I want to be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Thursday, November 03, 2005

para sayo...

ang sarap, sarap, sarap umiyak... lalo na kung ikaw lang mag-isa... sa dilim...

yung punong-puno ng galit yung puso mo... ng mga tanong... ng mga panghihinayang...

masarap din umiyak ng dahil sa pagod... sa walang kasiguruhan... sa kawalan ng pag-asa... sa paghahanap... sa pagkakakita pero wala rin pala...

so, you see... i'm only human, after all.

even with all the thoughts and ideas i have bestowed on some people... ako rin, di ko kayang gawin yung mga sinasabi ko...

sabi ko lang kanina, don't dwell on things that you cannot change, instead focus on those you can.

pero, ngayon, naisip ko... wala rin pala... no matter how hard you try... if a person isn't willing, hindi siya magbabago... if a person is not for you, hindi rin ibibigay... kung ibigay man, babawiin din...

isa lang ang conclusion sa lahat ng bagay...

nothing is fair nor free... lahat may bayad... pera, panahon, pagkatao... ultimo puso, kelangan mong ibayad... ang mahirap pa niyan, kadalasan, wala kang sukli. kahit konti. kahit yung nararapat lang. kahit walang sobra.

ang mahal masyado ng presyo ng pagmamahal... minsan nga namamalimos ka na lang, hindi ka pa bigyan... minsan, nagmamakaawa ka na lang, hindi ka pa papansinin...

ang hirap magmahal... lalo na kung hindi pwede... lalo na kung hindi dapat... lalo na kung ikaw lang nakakaramdam...

ang tagal-tagal ko ng salat sa pagmamahal... lagi na lang ako nagbibigay... lagi na lang ako yung nasasaktan...

i've never been enough for everyone.. lagi na lang ako ang may kulang... eh, pano kaya nangyari yun, pano ako magkukulang kung lahat binibigay ko? wala na ngang natitira sa kin eh... kaya after every heartbreak, i'm left feeling empty.

sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, para na lang akong patay na naglalakad... nabubuhay para lang magtrabaho... ngingiti pag kelangan...

yung mga litrato ko, maraming nagsasabi, bakit ganun, kahit nakangiti daw ako, malungkot ang mga mata ko? ewan. pagod na siguro.

gusto ko ng magpahinga... ayoko na... ayoko na talaga...

tandaan mo lagi, ha? kahit parang hindi, importante ka sa kin... kahit magkahiwalay man tayo at di na magkita pa... di kita malilimutan...

isa ka sa mga rason kung bakit pa ako humihinga...

palimos lang.

merong mga panahon na dumarating sa tao ang sobrang kahirapan... minsan, hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo para lang magkasya ang natitira mo pang pera hanggang sa susunod na sweldo...

ang mas mahirap, hindi naman ikaw lang ang apektado, lalo na kung may mga anak ka...

nagdaan ang panahong ito...

humingi ako ng tulong sa ama nila, pero hindi niya ito ininda... sabi niya lang, "bukas."

nakaraan ang maraming bukas, wala namang tulong na dumating.

nakapagtiis kami na ang inulam sa araw-araw ay sardinas at noodles. Sabi ko nga, mas mahirap kung may ibang taong naaapektuhan... kapag nasa kamay mo ang buhay ng ibang tao.

masakit para sa akin, isang ina, na makitang kumakain ang kaniyang mga anak ng noodles araw-araw.

sa dinami-dami siguro ng mga pangit na nagawa sa akin ng asawa ko, ito na ang tumatak sa puso't isipan ko...

ang magmukha kaming kawawa... ang pakiramdam na mamalimos ng tulong...

hindi ko na siguro makakalimutan pa ito.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

i'm sorry.



i'm sorry...
i didn't think that i would fall...
i didn't think that i couldn't control...

i think...
i lost a friend in you...
it was a stupid thing to do...

thank you...
for putting up with everything...
for always understanding...

i guess...
nothing will ever be the same...
that i couldn't even bear hearing your name...

i'll miss you...
everytime that i try to look away...
that i try not to cry everyday...

remember...
that I LOVE YOU and will forever be...
thankful for the moments you've shared with me.