Wednesday, December 20, 2006

hilarious video

Hey....
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
 
watch this. super funny. =)
 

 
~ Reich D.S. Santos ~
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain,
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
I'm so much better than you guessed,
I'm so much bigger than you guessed,
I'm so much brighter than you guessed.

__________________________________________________
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Saturday, November 11, 2006

mga usap-usapan

Kumain kami noon sa isang Bulaluhan sa Evangelista... si Letku, gusto na agad uminom ng sopdrinks, eh ayaw siyang payagan ni Dada.

"Kumain ka muna." sabi nito.

Maya-maya...

Dada : Letku, kuha ka ngang tissue.

(di siya pinansin ni Letku... may pairap-irap pa.)

Dada : Cge na, Letku, nasa likod mo lang. Baka magalit si Dada, cge.

(di pa rin siya pinansin ni Letku... halatang pikon na si Dada, pero nasa labas kasi kami, kaya parang di niya makuhang magalit... kaya...)

Dada : Bochog, kumuha ka na nga ng tissue, bilisan mo na, baka ano pa magawa ko.

(lapit ako kay Dada at nakangiting bumulong...)

Ako : Cge nga, ano'ng gagawin mo?

Dada : Eh di, ako na kukuha.

ang tapang, noh?

~oOo~

Kanina, inaasar ko si Bochog habang nagbabasa siya ng libro. Kinikiliti ko, kinakagat, at siyempre, kinukurot.

Pagkatapos ng kulitan, naging seryoso ako at tinanong si Bochog:

"Pano kung namatay na ko, tapos, nagpakita ako sa iyo dito sa kwarto, nakaputi... ano'ng gagawin mo? kakausapin mo ba ko?"

Bochog : Oo.

(Waw... ang tapang ng anak ko.)

Ako : Ano'ng sasabihin mo sa kin?

(iniisip ko na maglilitanya siya ng mga magagandang salita at iiyak... pero...)

Bochog : Nag-Tide ka?

Lagot sa 'kin 'to 'pag nagkataon.

~oOo~

At eto naman daw ang nakalagay sa dyaryo pag namatay na ako:






QuizGalaxy!

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com



at eto naman sa lapida ko:







Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Saturday, November 04, 2006

How to be annoying...

sent to me by Basti:


1. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way".

2.Drum on every available surface.

3.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

4.Staple papers in the middle of the page.

5.Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

6.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

7.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

8.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

9. Honk and wave to strangers.

10.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

11.Wear your pants backwards.

12.Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

13.Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

14.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

15.Pay for your dinner with pennies.

16.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

17.Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

18.Write "X - Buried Treasure" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

19.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

20.Light road flares on a birthday cake.

21.Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their hot sauce

22.Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

23.Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

24.leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

25.When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

26.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

27.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

28.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

29.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", "Basketball" or "Larawang Kupas"

30. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

31.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

32.Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

33.Holler random numbers while someone is counting. -

34.Make appointments for the 31st of November.

35.Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

36.Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know




Wednesday, November 01, 2006

para sa mga nagtatanong

sa tuwing may makakakita o may makakausap ako... lagi akong tinatanong:

"kamusta ka na?"

"ok ka na?"

"dinadayalisis ka na ba?"

hindi naman sa minamasama ko.... alam ko, 'concerned' lang kayo sa kin... pagpasensyahan niyo na minsan kung may pagkasuplada ang dating, o napakaiksi ng sagot. ewan ko. siguro nagsasawa na ako sa kakasagot ng "ok lang." siguro nagsasawa na ako ng kakaisip na may sakit ako. na konting panahon na lang, baka idayalisis na ko. na pag nagsimula akong idayalisis, wala ng katapusan yun. hanggang gusto ko pang mabuhay, tutusukin ako at lilinisin ang dugo ko halos kada apat na araw. pwede rin akong masalinan ng dugo kapag kailangan.

ayoko ng isipin. ayoko ng maramdaman.

ayoko na.


gusto kong mabuhay ng 'normal' gaya ng dati. na ang tangi kong problema ay saan ako kukuha ng pera. kung magiging maayos pa ba ang buhay ko. kung magiging ok na ba si Dale.

mas mahirap pala pag hawak mo na ang buhay mo sa iyong mga kamay. lalo na kapag nakaasa ka lang sa iba.

pano na lang ako kung wala si Mama? si Papa? si Ronald? ang mga kamag-anak ko at mga kaibigan? sila na nagbibigay sa kin ng pera, pagkain, gamot, dasal, at higit sa lahat ay ang kanilang walang sawang pagaaruga at pagaalala.

pano na lang kung wala ang mga anak ko na nagbibigay sa kin ng pag-asang mabuhay pa ng matagal? na nagbibigay sa kin ng lakas para ipagpatuloy pa ang labang ito.

hawak ko ang buhay ko. pwede kong wakasan ito sa pagtutol ng dialysis. pero di ko gagawin. lalaban ako hangga't kailangan.

sabi nga ng pinsan ko, sa dinami-dami ng dinanas ko sa buhay, ngayon pa ba ako susuko?

kaya kung minsan ay makita niyo ko sa daan, ok lang na tanungin niyo ko kung ok na ko... kung kamusta na ko... pero kung ang sagot ko ay "ok lang" o ako'y ngumiti lang... sana ay maintindihan ninyo... hindi ako kasing tatag ng gaya ng inaakala ng marami. umiiyak din ako sa gabi pag tulog na ang lahat. pag wala ng makakarinig.

tinatanong ko rin ang Diyos kung bakit ako, bakit ngayon, at kung hanggang kelan. humihingi din ako ng kaliwanagan at katatagan. nagaantanda din ako sa tuwing nakakapag-isip ng masama.

ok lang ako.

pero kailangan ko pa rin ang mga tanong ninyo.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

bored

i'm moving my posts (yung mga may sense lang... hehe.) to Multiply... so if you wanna read previous posts, click the link.

(pictures and videos, too.)

wala lang.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I just find this soooo funny.

Actual Writings from Hospital Charts
 
1. The patient refused autopsy.
 
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
 
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
 
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
 
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
 
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
 
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
 
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
 
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
 
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 
12. She is numb from her toes down.
 
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
 
14. The skin was moist and dry.
 
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
 
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
 
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
 
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
 
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
 
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
 
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
 
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 


~ Reich D.S. Santos ~
none are so blind as they that won't see
 
"Finding a 'cure' begins with hope."


Monday, October 02, 2006

Magtanim ng buto

ang tagal ko ng di nagba-blag... natatamad ako eh... tsaka, madalas na sumasakit ang ulo ko pag matagal akong nakatitig sa monitor... kaya nga isa sa mga nagbago sa akin ay ang aking pangatlo't pang-apat na mga mata... bagong salamin, ika nga... mejo nakakapanibago kasi di siya ultra thin... kasi di kaya ng budget ko... hehe.

meron din akong pinagkakaabalahan na parang therapy churva... Nuga Best. Referred ng mom ko, na referred ng friend niya... Miracle Bed ang tawag nila dito... hihiga ka sa parang bed na mainit na minamasahe ang likod mo... mejo mahirap iexplain, kaya go na lang sa website. **hehe**

nakakapitong sessions na ata ako, and so far, ok naman ang reaction sa kin... bago ako pumunta dun, manas na yung legs ko... nung pang 5th session ko, nawala na yung manas... umimpis na rin yung manas sa face... though, it might also be because the steroids are being tapered na rin... from 60, 30 mg na lang ako every other day...

noong una, ang dami kong naramdaman... 'healing reaction' ang tawag nila.. kumbaga sa pimples, pag nagpaderma ka, di ba lalabas muna lahat ng pimples mo? Ganun siya... nahilo muna ako, sumakit ang ulo, nilagnat, sumakit ang kidneys... bago nawala yung manas.

Sana nga, totoong 'miracle bed' siya at gumaling ako... of course, kaakibat ng dasal... isa siguro sa purpose ng pagdating ng sakit na ito ay para maging mas malapit ako sa Diyos... well, Lord... epektib... **hehe**

Pag sinasabi nga sa misa na, "..only say the word and i shall be healed." super laki ng tiwala ko na totoo yun... feeling ko talaga, gagaling ako... kung ako man ida-dialysis, alam ko, kakayanin ko... unlike some people who didn't and died...

Meron ako nakausap kanina, yung kapatid niya, di kinaya ang dialysis... 6 mos lang namatay na... how sad... ako, i believe na kakayanin ko... kasi marami pa kong misyon sa buhay... unang-una na sa mga anak ko...

=============

Nung bagyo, syempre naman andito lang kami sa house... natanggal ang alulod namin! Buti na lang yun lang... Saturday 3pm kami nagkaron ng kuryente... natamaan si Tony ng broken glass from the glass holding our candle... buti na lang, small lang siya at di sa eyes... sa may side lang ng neck...

=============

Pinacheck-up ko na si Tony at Dale kasi nga ang tagal na ng ubo, di pa natatanggal... suspecha kay Tony, may primary complex... kaya babalik kami sa Doctor after two weeks para ipa-tuberculin test daw... pag nagkataon, 6 mos na gamutan ito... wawa naman bebe ko...

=============

Si Bes may bagong pagsubok na pinagdadaanan... pero, i consider it a blessing... pag ganun naman, it's always a blessing... pero di ko sure kung matutuwa ako or ano eh... kasi inaaalala ko rin yung ibang taong involved... pero, parang mas excited ako... **hehe**

=============

Pinagaaralan namin ni Dale yung mga sagot niya sa exam... kasi 15/30 lang siya, pasang-awa... Tagalog kasi at di niya maintindihan daw... sa English at Math, perfect siya.

Ako: Lagyan ng X kung mali... Magtanim ng puno, bakit X? Mali ba yun?

Dale: What's magtanim ng puno?

Ako: Plant a tree.

Dale: Yes! That's wrong! How can you plant a tree, it's so big! You need a ladder! I cannot carry a tree!

Ako: No... Of course, you should start with a seed, the buto... then the seed will grow into a tree.

Dale: They should write 'magtanim ng buto!'

May point ang anak ko, di ba?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

food...

i got this from here... since, his post made me hungry, i wanted to try to answer this survey, too... gaya-gaya, puto-maya...

How do you like your eggs?

wah... i like all sorts... hahaha...
what i meant was, i like them poached, fried, scrambled... whatever!
i like big eggs, small ones, itsy-bitsy kweks...

How do you take your coffee/tea?

i take my coffee with skim milk now. i rarely take tea.

Favorite breakfast food:

anything i haven't eaten the previous day? hehe...
bread or rice, eggs, corned beef, coffee, fruit

Peanut butter: smooth or crunchy?

smooth.. yung Ludy's. or kung crunch, Lady's Choice.

What kind of dressing on your salad?

thousand island.

Coke or Pepsi?

neither. but if i don't have a choice, i'd go for Coke. Pepsi tastes differently different.

You’re feeling lazy. What do you make?

dreams.

You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order?

none. not a pizza person.

You feel like cooking. What do you make?

a call, and ask someone else to cook for me. i don't cook. any good. hehe.

Do any foods bring back good memories?

Japanese... Saisaki...

Do any foods bring back bad memories?

almost all of them now... coz i cant eat them. it's making me want them so bad. hehe.

Do any foods remind you of someone?

pesto, si augee.
sinigang na walang sahog kundi sigarilyas, si mai.
dinuguan, si mama.
bagets, si mama deling. (some kind of fried fish that she named as such)

Is there a food you refuse to eat?

ampalaya.

What was your favorite food as a child?

anything that my mom cooks. coz then, i didn't know any better... haha!

Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love?

kare-kare.

Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate?

i am not sure, come to think of it.

Favorite fruit & vegetable:

fruit... mangoes, may they be ripe or not.
vegetable... cauliflower? haha... basta, wag ampalaya, upo, papaya, sayote... kung sila ay vegetable ha. di ko alam eh.

Favorite junk food:

anything with chocolate.

Favorite between meal snack:

fruits

Do you have any weird food habits:

putting my fries into my burger and eating them at the same time... is that weird?

You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on?

i hate this question.

How spicy do you order Indian/Thai?

i don't like spicy food too much.

Can I get you a drink?

melon or mango shake, please. if you don't have it, just give me a glass of cold water.

Red wine or white?

water!

We only have beer:

magsara na kayo.

Favorite dessert?

anything with chocolate.

The perfect nightcap?

coffee, with bread.

upd8

tapos na ang Fistula... ok naman... tolerable... hehe... ok nga kasi dun ako sa 6th floor OR 'ginawa' eh... bagong renovate... ang linis! tabi ng dialysis unit... nakita ko na set-up nila dun... not bad...

follow-up check-up ko today with my nephrologist... tomorrow, sa surgeon naman...

ilang araw akong nagmukmok. i felt so rotten. i felt like giving up.

at 31, i felt like i'm already dead. how could you not be, when you can only live when you go on hemodialysis for the rest of your life?

you'll be struck by 2 needles twice a week, take medicines, have blood tests done, go to your doctors, follow a diet...

ngayon pa lang, umaayaw na ko. teka lang at magddrama ako...

umiyak na naman ako habang nagaalmusal... tinapay at gamot. tumulo ang mga luhang di ko na kayang kimkimin... naisip ko, hanggang kelan ko gagawin to... tatlumpongtaong gulang pa lang ako... nagsisimula pa lamang ako dapat mabuhay... uumpisahan ko pa lang sana na matupad mga pangarap ko... bawat patak ng luha, isang pangarap na naglalaho...

natulog lang ako maghapon... hindi pala, humiga ako maghapon... kung nakakatulog man ako, panakaw lang... hanggat sa nakinig na lang ako ng musika... ginamit ko ang mp3 player ko na matagal ko na ring di nagagamit... narinig ko ang kanta ni Mariah at Whitney galing sa gusto kong pelikula na The Prince of Egypt...

Many nights we've prayed
with no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemes like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
With heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe...

A-shi-ra la-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
(I will sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously)
A-shi-ra la-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
(I will sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously)
Mi-cha-mo-cha ba-elim adonai
(Who is like You, oh Lord, among the celestial)
Mi-ka-mo-cha ne-dar- ba-ko-desh
(Who is like You, majestic in holiness)
Na-chi-tah v¡¯-chas-d¡¯-cha am zu ga-al-ta
(In Your love, You lead the people You redeemed)
Na-chi-tah v¡¯-chas-d¡¯-cha am zu ga-al-ta
(In Your love, You lead the people You redeemed)
A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra, a-shi-ra...
(I will sing, I will sing, I will sing)

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
Now you will
You will when you believe

You will when you believe

sabihin na nating naibsan lahat ng sama ng pakiramdam ko... hindi man ito nawala, nabawasan naman... ngayon, unti-unting nabubuo ulit ang aking pananampalataya... sa Dyos at sa sarili... YEBAH!

=================

pagkakita ko sa mga resulta ko, natuwa naman ako... pano, bumaba ang creatinine levels ko, pero meron din namang tumaas... ang triglyceride at uric acid... sympre dagdag gamot at mga pagbawas din sa kinakain...

syempre i had to make sure what will happen next... kasi i feel bad nga... yun pala eh dahil daw ito sa steroids pa rin... 163 lang kasi creatinine ko at ang sama ng pakiramdam due to renal failure eh dapat mga 400-500 ang creatinine mo daw... ang balik ko nga sa nephro after 2 mos pa eh... so, he's seeing baka daw December or next year pa ko magstart magdialysis... dapat ba akong matuwa? hehe... oo naman! POSITIVE thinking!!! (btw, i bought a nice book about it, nakalimutan ko lang title... pag mejo matatapos ko na, i'll post something about it here)

i just had to ask him what i'd feel if it is time for me to be dialysed na talaga... clueless ako eh... perstaym.. hehe.. sabi ko, i dont wanna just drop and die! sabi niya, "trust me... no one suddenly drops dead because of renal failure, not unless they get run by a car."

si doc, marunong magpatawa, di ba?

pati na rin ang check-up ko with the surgeon ngayon, ok din... pagkatapos ko nga magpacheck-up naglakad-lakad ako sa SM Manila... to get some exercise... baka sakaling matunaw ang baba ko... hahaha!

=================

naiinis ako... habang buhay na ba akong maiinis? hay.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I thought you'd love this

I just found out that Google, Yahoo and Microsoft are contributing their technology
to a new website called GoodTree that gives money to charity when you use it.
Its invitation only. I thought you'd love it
Accept Invitation


Don't ask me to help charities.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Please Watch Alyana

My son, Dale, is on the film.... read about it here...

==================================

Autism Society Philippines Metro South Chapter Activity for September:

FILM SHOWING ON ALYANA - A Study of Autism in the Philippines

Schedule:

September 30, 2006

*First Screening - 2 pm
*Second Screening - 5 pm

Venue:

Ann Arbor Montessorri Learning Center Auditorium
# 390, El Grande Avenue, BF Homes, ParaƱaque City

Ticket Prices:

P 150.00 - ASP member
P 200.00 - non-member

For further inquiries, please contact Mr. Evert Malapad (Chapter President) @ 09176424290 / 09215666192. You can also inquire at ASP - National Office (9266941 / 4368713)

for more information, visit Autism Society Philippines.

thanks!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Update

Since i already have the results from my biopsy, pumunta kaming doctor kanina. I was ready for anything. And since i always think negatively (para pag negative nga, ready na ko... at para kung positive, happy ako), and i saw the results already, i know what he was gonna say na.

what i didn't expect him to say was that the result now is worse than the last one. The last one said, i still have 40% of my kidneys. Now, it's 7%. Shockingly wide difference, huh? So, mali talaga yung biopsy.

This doctor kept on apologizing coz he thought he gave me false hopes. i have to tell him it's ok, that i just wanna start with the discussion of the treatment coz i was really ready for it. =)

so, this week, i have to go to another doctor for a minor operation for the fistula. i'm gonna have a 'suicide' cut?! but, it's gonna be vertical. i think it's for the vein to pop-out like Arnold Swarsziyucky, so they can stick needles better. hahaha. i really dunno what it really is for, but here's the picture:



di ko na lalagay yung actual pictures ng operation kasi mejo ew! hehe.

actually, gusto ko na lang nga talagang idialysis na eh... kesa ganitong naka-steroids... mas pangit ang pakiramdam... though getting stuck with 2 needles 2x a week is a bummer.

my mom felt a little better... kasi sabi nga ng doctor, i can live a normal life after i get used to the dialysis already... tsaka may night-time dialysis naman daw, and weekends... i can work na daw after mga 1 or 2 months na dialysis. that's the idea nga daw, so i can work!

isipin mo rin no? magdialysis ka, so you can work... so you can pay for your dialysis... hehehe...

it's a sick cycle carousel... but, hey, i'm NOT complaining. So long as i can go back to eating normally... looking normally. i'm fine.

may tumawag nga sa kin kanina eh... yung dati ko pang inapplayan na St. Bernadette's College ba yun... i forgot... they need an English teacher daw... baka daw next sem, perhaps? hehe... sabi ko, definitely. yey!

that's really what i'm looking forward naman talaga... teaching... so i can use what i have learned... teka, meron ba? haha... well, at least magamit ko license ko... which i have to renew na rin next year.

=========

i finished Season 2 of HOUSE M.D. yung Season 1 kasi na Disc mejo palpak, so i have to return it pa... i love the series and can't wait for the 3rd season... Sept 5 pa pala start yun sa US... yun nga lang, pangit ng cable namin, walang Star Network... so, maghihintay na naman akong matapos ang season para makabili ng DVD? wah!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Tag-a-book!

i've been tagged... and wouldn't you know, it's all about books... ang hirap nito... pero halos pareho lang kami ng sagot...

One book that changed your life.

talaga bang one lang? hay... hirap... i cannot say that it changed my life... but it made me think, more than any book ever did, i guess. Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown.

One book that I read more than once.

Hala, di ko talaga kayang sagutin ng isang libro lang... Yun din, pati ang Da Vinci Code. Harry Potter Series, 1-6. Little Prince, The Alchemist, 5 People You Meet in Heaven, Sophie's World (i read this one twice). Yung iba, i might have read, 3 or more. Marami pa, di ko lang maalala.

One book you would want on a desert island.

a thick one! haha. Something i have not read. Something like HOW TO LIVE IN A DESERT ISLAND. haha.

One book that made you laugh.

probably a joke book that i dunno the title. i hardly ever got to read funny novels. or i just can't remember. masyadong nangangalawang na utak ko since i got sick, pasensya.

One book that made you cry.

The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. It made me think of my son.

One book that you wish had been written.

mejo di ko magets to... by me? i'll just surprise you one day. haha. if it's a book that should've been written by anyone, hm... Answers To Every Question? That'll be mighty helpful.

One book that you wish had never been written.

ay wag.. mas maraming libro, mas masaya... kanya-kanyang trip.. pero ako rin, di ako nagbabasa ng tagalog romance novels.

One book you are currently reading.

wala sa ngayon...

One book you have been meaning to read.

marami pa akong dapat basahin... as in! currently on the list is Foucault's Pendulum and In The Name of the Rose ni Umberto Eco. Pinabili ko pa ito sa Tate sa tatay ko. Malamang maumpisahan ko yun sometime soon. Pag nagda-dialysis na ko.

thanks to Kendi for the tag. Di na ko magta-tag ng ibang tao... kung sino na lang gustong sumagot.. hehe... kasi yung mga kakilala kong iba, parang di mahilig magbasa eh... so, just suprise me... =)

mga huling habilin

naisip ko lang... di natin hawak ang buhay natin... pwedeng isang araw, di na tayo magising... bangungutin tayo, di ba? wala lang, gusto ko lang maging handa...

1. kung naghihingalo pa lang ako, yung mga tipong braindead na... nakaasa na lang sa makina, pwede niyo na akong i-unplug. ayokong maghirap, please...

pag natuluyan ako...

1. ayoko ng malungkot. gusto ko masaya mga tao. kasi i assure you, masaya ako. ang ngumawa, dadalawin ko, sige. sana pagusapan niyo na lang mga masasayang araw ko.

2. ayoko ng mahabang lamay. wag ng umuwi ang mga nasa Tate. Well, di ko naman kayo mapipigilan, pero wala rin naman kayong magagawa pag patay na ko... sayang lang sa pamasahe... pagdasal niyo na lang na mapunta ako sa langit.

3. ayoko ng open casket. gusto ko may picture lang ako sa ibabaw ng kabaong. pili niyo ko ng pinakacute kong picture.

4. ayoko ng ivi-video o kukunan pa ng picture pag patay na ko.

5. gusto ko may powerpoint presentation ng mga pictures ko, pamilya, at prens... ang kanta, pwedeng Beside You ng Simply Red. kaso lang, malungkot yun eh... pero, sige, gusto ko yun eh. pero pagkatapos niyong maiyak, tama na ha.

6. ayoko ng naka-itim mga tao... puti? pwede rin... pink na lang o kaya light blue...

7. ayokong uodin! (tama ba?) cremation na lang... mas mura pa. kung pwedeng isaboy ang abo ko sa Caleruega, kasabay ng paglubog ng araw at paglipad ng mga paro-paro, mas maganda... dramatic di ba? I will fly and be free... if you're sad, just think of me. pero kahit ano na nga lang na gusto ng mommy ko...

8. ayokong damitan ako ng pangburol... yung tipong parang puff sleeves and all? ampanget... gusto ko simple lang. pwedeng nakapants na lang... di ako sanay ng dress eh. tutal, closed casket naman.

9. gusto ko, papakain niyo sa tao, lahat ng pinagbawal sa king kainin.. matamis, maalat, meaty... bwahahaha... tsaka ayoko ng cheap food ha... yung mga tipong di mo kakainin pag ikaw pumunta ng patay... wag mawawala ang Boy Bawang tsaka beer.

10. ayoko ng pampatay na bulaklak.. hmmm.. mas maganda kung... in lieu of flowers, gusto ko, magdonate sila ng bato sa National Kidney at Transplant Institute, merong donor card na pwedeng kunin dun... o kaya, CASH!!! for my kids. hehe.

11. wala akong ari-arian... wala akong maiiwan kahit kanino kundi utang... at iniiwan ko to sa asawa ko... bwahahaha! bayaran mo lahat yun, pakshet.

12. sana, pag wala na ko, magkasama na ulit mga magulang ko sa iisang lugar.. kung sa Tate, eh di dun, kung dito, eh di dito... tsaka gusto ko, lumipat na silang bahay... benta na nila tong bahay namin..

13. yung mga gamit ko, pamigay nila or itapon... ayoko ng may naaalala pa sila sa kin. basta yung celfone ko, kay Anea.

14. si Dale, Anton at Anea... wag niyong pababayaan... pagpatuloy niyo ang pagtulong niyo sa mga anak ko ha... lalo na kay Dale.. alam niyo naman na special siya... ang mang-api sa mga anak ko, habambuhay kong mumultuhin.

15. wala na akong maisip... pag meron pa, magpo-post ulit ako... hehe.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET-THEIR WORTH.

Men...

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.


If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think, "it will get better."

You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behaviour.* Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if
he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage...
deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when men always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...

You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices and to prepare herself.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

mga ginawa...

mejo ok ang pakiramdam ko yesterday kasi konti lang dosage ko ng steroids.. to make me feel better, i painted my nails pink... hehe... it looks good actually, coz para akong pumuti...

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tapos since my mom is so sad since i got sick... mejo nawiwindang talaga ito... as in!!! nagbago lahat sa kanya, pati ata pagiisip nito eh... para ding naka-steroids... biruin niyong magparenovate ng bahay, nakakuha lang ng onting pera... at ang pintura, lime green at peach... hanep. tapos di makapagtrabaho, ang daming reklamo... para daw siyang nawawala sa sarili...

sabi ko nga, wag na niyang galawin ang kwarto ko at baka gawing kulay jebs or something. pagpasensyahan, nagugulumihanan eh... ako na nga dahilan. lintek na nephritis to.

isang sakit, magbabago ang lahat.

eh di niyaya ko na lang lumabas... sabi baka daw mapagod ako, achuchuchu... sabi ko, hinde, sabi ko alika, hanapin mong sarili mo... mag-shopping tayo... nyahahaha...

so nagpunta kami sa makati, at nakapagpabili ako sa kanya ng stuff... kalandian stuff ba... dalawang tsinelas, isang green at isang silber! syempre may i buy din akong silber na belt... o san ka pa... sayang at walang mumurahing bag na silber... (kuripot po ako at di nabili ng branded) nyahaha... tapos accessories na syang aking weakness (2 tribal necklace yung isa pagong, silver and white bracelet with matching drop earrings, pearl earrings, aquamarine ring na promo ng SM binili ko din kasi birthstone ko siya)... tapos Pilates video na kelangan ko daw gawin... o sya, sige, itry natin...

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imbyerna nga si mader kasi may i wait kami sa pamangkin kong si Aileen sa mall at gusto daw magpabili ng rubber shoes... lintek, gusto pa daw Skechers... eh sus, daming imitation nun sa Baclaran... kainis ng bumili ng original ngayon... yung tsinelas ko ngang dalawa, ang ganda na, 300+ lang nagastos ko eh... mga kabataan talaga ngayon...

at ang siste, hindi dumating ang lokaret... 2 oras nasayang sa paghihintay namin dun, sana nakabuy pa kong damit or whatever...

(sabi ni Aileen, hindi daw siya nagpapabuy kay mader ng Skechers, sa tatay daw niya sya nagpapabili... at ang tatay niya naman, sa nanay ko na lang pinabibili... at ang gusto pa ng tatay niya, pagawa daw pc nila... humihingi ng 8T... eh binayaran ng nga ng nanay ko yung telepono nilang 2700... at ang sabi daw ng anak niya, ang swerte ko naman daw at si mader ang nanay ko at pinagsha-shopping ako... hm... talaga lang huh? i smell some jealousy... again! eh sila na lang kaya magkasakit, pakshet! hay... sorry, Lord... i cannot control myself... wag na kasing mainggit sana, di ba? di naman ako nagpabili ng Skechers eh... wala pa nga atang 1T pinabili ko... naman! tsaka pinaghahandaan ang dialysis no... di dapat magwaldas ng pera... note to self dapat din yan.)

parang gusto kong magminiskirt ulit.. kasi parang himala na mejo gumaganda legs ko ngayon eh... since pumayat siya, parang di mashadong kapansin-pansin ang mga peleges ko ah... sabi nga ng nanay ko... napansin niya rin... oh yes... sana di na siya tumaba ulit.. hahaha... ang pants ko nga na masisikip, maluwag na... breathable. hehe... sayang at pinamigay ko na ang aking mga miniskirts... punta tayong UK. hehe.

ay tink, dahil ito sa kaka-lotion... oh yes.. di po ako vain na tao, ask anyone... ako po ay isang tamad na nilalang at ang tanging luho sa katawan ay magtoothbrush at mag-floss.

ngayon, para akong adik sa lotion... kung pwedeng minu-minuto akong maglotion gagawin ko... mula leeg hanggang paa... pati na rin alcohol... paglinis ng tenga... ang pagf-floss ng ipen... at maghugas ng ***eeep*** grabe... ako'y isang OC sa aking katawan ngayon... at hindi ko po alam kung bakit... epekto ng steroids?! malamang!!!

pati pagsusulat nga dito sa blag ko, iba na eh... adik mode!

parang excited na lang akong magpa-dialysis, kesa ganito... *wakokoko*

==================

kanina, pumunta na kami ng MMC para kunin ang request for biopsy slides... nakapagpacheck-up na rin nanay ko... at ako na rin... may blood tests ako bukas, kasi 10 hour fasting daw dapat.. so babalik ako dun tomorrow... bukas ng hapon ko na rin daw makukuha ang slides.. sana mejo maaga kasi dadalhin ko na ito sa NKI dapat, para matapos na rin ang lahat... para kung ida-dialysis, maumpisahan na at ayoko na ng ganitong steroids... pramis... parang mas gusto ko pang madialysis na lang kesa adik mode ever...

tapos nun parang nagke-crave ako sa pancit at siya namang granted agad ng nanay ko, with matching sinigang na ulo ng isda sa foodcourt sa Landmark... andami ko kayang nakain, kaya sabi ko ngayon gabi, oatmeal lang ako...

nakabuy din akong face powder kasi ubos na powder ko... pati nga eyelash curler, bumili ako... sabi ng nanay ko, bakit ang arte mo ngayon? sabi ko, eh pano, ang pangit ko na nga, lalo pa ba akong magpapapangit?

gamit-gamit ko na nga ang aking silber stuff kanina eh... hehe... ang arte ko. para feeling great kahit para akong walking zombie kanina... antok na antok ako, grabe... kaya niyaya ko ng umuwi ang nanay ko kasi feeling ko any monument babagsak ako sa antok...

pagdating ko sa bahay... PLAKDATION!!! walang bihis-bihis ito... wala ngang bedsheet yung kama eh, kasi tinanggal ko nung umaga pinalabhan ko... pag-gising ko, alas kwatro na... tamang-tama dumating na nanay ko from the drugstore at magtutusok na akong Recormon sa tsan...

at eto na nga, nag-blag muna ako... at sinagot ilang email na meron ako...

weniwei... sana maging ok na ang lahat... andami-dami kong gustong sabihin na matino, pero something's holding me back... tsaka na pag magaling na pati utak ko... hehe...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

nice one

A group of working adults got together to visit their former university professor. The professor was pleased to see them, and after the students' chats about the old days and reminiscing was over, their conversation turned into complaints about their stresses in work and life.

The professor said nothing, he just smiled and went in his kitchen and brought back an assortment of cups on a tray - some were fine porcelain, some plastic, some glass, some plain-looking and some rather expensive and exquisite. He then asked if his former students were thirsty, and > offered them the cups to get iced water for themselves.

When each student had a cup in hand, filled with iced water, the professor spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups have been taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ordinary ones on the tray. While it is usual that you will only want the best for yourselves, that is the main source of your problems and stress...

What all you really wanted was water, not the cup - but you unconsciously went for the better looking cups."

A silence followed, as the students digested this. The professor continued, "This is just like in life....If Life is water, then your jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are merely tools to hold and maintain life, but they will hardly change the intrinsic quality of Life. If we focus only on the cup, then we won't have time to taste and enjoy the water in it!"

"And also remember this: A RICH person is one who has a lot, while a HAPPY person is one who does not want a lot....The choice of which type of person you want to be is your own."

And the students thus got their most important lesson in life from their wise old teacher.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

hala.

i composed a blog post last night but forgot to save it, and now, i dunno if i wanna post it pa.. hm... let's just start and see..

we decided to get a second opinion from a respected and known doctor that my cousin referred to us at the Manila Doctors Hospital. He is also a consultant in PGH.. the main reason we went there is of monetary value. Since I already ran out of medical insurance and my doctor wanted me confined every other month for medication, we have to do it in a government hospital.

when i saw the doctor, i knew i'm gonna like him, and like him, i did.

He's no fuss. Patay kung patay. To cut the long story short (because it was tooooo long, with graphs and all...)

Bottom line is, based on the lab tests only, he can buy me 3 to 5 more years without dialysis... but based on the biopsy, he can only buy me 3 months time without dialysis... and why would he make me suffer from taking steroids when he knows that? Steroids have too much side effects, he said.

But he was shocked at this biopsy report, coz according to it, the pathologist saw 13 'cells'... 10 are dead... 3 are dying... the question is, how come i'm still alive?

do you get the picture?

10 out of 13 cells...

and i'm still kickin and screamin....

nyahahaha.

So, he wants me to 'borrow' my slides from my former doctor and have it rechecked somewhere else. The pathologist have a reputation for being wrong. Even my cousin heard of this pathologist. My former doctor, he says, knows this, but since his hands are tied to the hospital... the pathologist is the only pathologist they have?!

My doctor was correct in giving me the medicines... his procedure would be the procedure that this new doctor will give according to him. The only difference they have is that my former doctor didn't have the heart to tell me pointblank that my condition is dreadful, that it may cause my eventual death. Unlike this new one, who even told me, you cannot get pregnant, because you're dead. You'll die ahead of your baby.

Stick to fish and rice, meat will kill you faster.

You don't have to feel guilty... it wasn't what you did or ate... it's like this... your kidneys have an alter ego.. sorta like Jekkyl and Hyde... Now, Mr. Hyde has come out to play.

See how fun the check-up was?

I was glad mom wasn't inside to hear everything or she might have collapsed right there and then. Some people like it subtle... i like it HOT. hehehe...

==============================

When we went home, tears were welling in her eyes... she made me sit on the LRT... she held me tightly...

She said she wants to cry, and i told her, then do so... isa lang naman masasabi ko dyan eh.. may magagawa ba iyak natin? Gagaan lang ng konti ang pakiramdam, tapos nun, andyan pa rin problema natin...

Sabi ko, buhay pa ko, pinaglalamayan niyo na ko... di ba mas ok yung dialysis, kesa comatose?

Napaiyak siya sa katulong namin, nasigawan niya kasi... sabi daw, naaawa na raw kasi siya sa kin... and who wouldn't be, if you see me before and now? Now, i can barely walk... my legs are so skinny! The only part of me big now is my face and stomach.

i cried, too, that night... thinking of my children when i die... pano, ang daming mga kwento na bigla na lang nagcollapse at sumuka ng dugo, patay!

ngak... sino na lang kasama nila? sino na lang magaalaga sa kanila? di ko makikita mga apo ko... di ko makikita silang grumaduate... yung mga ganun ba...

but then i stopped na rin... kasi wala naman akong magagawa eh...

sabi ko na lang sa kanila, wag nating problemahin yung sakit... yung kung pano na lang natin gagamutin yung sakit... mahal niyo naman ako di ba? dasal at pera lang katapat nito, kaya natin to... so, dapat magtrabaho kayong maigi... sige, mga alipin!!! magtrabaho kayo!!!

hehehe...

ako ngayon ay parang seƱorita sa bahay... ako ang reyna... hala, dalhan niyo kong pagkain sa kwarto... joke!

==============================

nagluto kami ni Ronald kagabi kasi nga labinlimang taon na kaming naglolokohan... August 4, 1991 nung sinagot ko siya... hehehe... wala naman mashado eh... sopas lang para sa bata... buto-buto ginisa sa oyster sauce para sa matatanda... steamed fish para sa kin... dito kumain sila Erick...

==============================

Kanina, surprise! Dumating Kuya Rodel ko, asawa niya, at ang makulit kong pamangkin na si Bea... hay nako! Taong-tao na siya... maldita... ang likot... hehehe.... kala ko tatlong taon na eh magdadalawa lang pala ito... dito lang sila naglunch at sandali lang sila kasi baka umulan eh nagcommute lang ang mga ito from their house sa San Mateo. Layo, di ba?

Napa-online tuloy kami sa Papa ko... nagkwentuhan lang naman kami... kaso lang biset tong YM laging sira, ayaw mag-call kaya mega type na naman ako...

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So, wala lang... yun na lang muna... ang mga dasal ko ah... keep it coming... hehehe...

Sa mga nagta-tag at nagko-comment, maraming maraming salamat... nabubuhayan ako sa inyo... nyahaha... ok pa ko... pag bigla akong di nakapagpost ng mga isa o dalawang linggo, yun na yun. Pagkalat niyo na lang na naging mabuti akong tao kahit di niyo ko ganong kilala... **wakokoko**

Wag mag-alala, wala akong balak manakot, mandalaw, manghila ng paa o kadena, umalulong, o mag-pakita sa salamin. Di ko type. Duwag din kasi ako sa ganun. hehe.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

gusto kong umiyak pero di ko magawa

nagpunta kami sa Mla. Doctors... humingi ng 2nd opinion... magaling yung doctor... wala akong masabi...

ang gist... we're just prolonging the inevitable.

the steroids are just buying me 3 months time without dialysis... mahaba pa ang explanation and i don't have the strength to say anything anymore.

so, dialysis, 2x a week for life til we decide on transplantation.

my mom was devastated.

if she is already, how can i be?

i have to be strong for the whole family.


HOPE: the doctor does not trust the pathologist... requesting biopsy slides for 2nd opinion at NKI... this time, i'm wishing the biopsy results are really wrong and that there's more time we can bide before dialysis.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

para kay Bes...

Kahit na masakit katawan ko... kahit na feeling ko hilong-hilo ako... i don't think i'll miss an opportunity to meet Bes... i haven't seen her in ages... asar na asar pa nga ako kasi nga masama pakiramdam ko the day before... pero di ko pa rin pinostpone ang maiksing pagkikita namin...

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Nald accompanied me to meet her... hinatid niya ko sa Glorietta at nagkita kami ni Weng sa KFC dun... ang pangit talaga dun sa KFC na yun... parang ang dumi at ang food, di maayos... oh well... nilibre niya kong salad at mashed potato na di ko naman naubos kasi naman ang laki no...

syet, ang payat niya ngayon... kita pa nga tsan... lokaret...

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she's still the same... nagdadalaga pa rin... hehehe...

i can see that she's a little troubled... but i can also see that she's happy kahit pano...

alam ko na tuloy ang misteryo na naman na bumabalot sa kanyang katauhan... asus... yun lang pala... kala ko, sobrang malala naman... hehehe... kaya mo yan, Bes... dati na nating kinakaya mga ganyang situations no... mani na yan sa yo... ang importante, there's love and hope... at a stable job... hehehe... yung anghel, malay mo, dumating din... all in God's time.. lahat may solusyon... kundi man, may mas better na kapalit...

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i really missed you and i regret na di tayo nagkasama ng mas matagal... kahit gustuhin ko man... di bale, marami pang next time... we should do this more often... habang kaya ko pa... sabi ko naman sayo... di natin sure ang future... next time, watch naman tayo ng movie... ako naman manlilibre sa yo...

i liked the way that you didn't show me pity... and didn't tell me how 'bad' i looked... and you didn't even give Ronald a piece of your mind... kahit alam kong inis ka sa taong yun... hehehe... thank you for that...

pasensya ka na sa mga bigay ko sayo... ganun lang naman ako pag namimili, tinatago ko lang... di ko kasi nabibigay sayo sa dalang ng pagkikita natin... pero, i'm glad you liked the gift for 'him'... gamitin mo ha... tapos sabayan ng sayaw... ngahahahaha....

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The kids are growing up beautifully, btw... they're lucky to have you as their mom and of course, your parents as well... kamukha mo grabe si Dani...

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tell the kids next time na yung para sa kanila... kelangan sigurong makita ko sila sa personal no, para matantsa ko yung sukat... pinamigay ko na nga agad yung damit na para kay Dani kanina.. wala na kasing silbi.. hahaha.. ang liit kaya... yung kay Tony nga pala, kasya pa... thank you daw... thank you na rin from Anea and Dale... at salamat sa sulatan... bagay talaga sa kin ah... para malagay ko mga gumugulo sa utak ko? hehehe...

di bale, pag nagbertday ang isa sa mga anak ko na may handa, iinform kita ahead of time para makapunta naman kayo... makilala naman ni Anea yung dalawa...

p.s.
o di ba, at long last may new pictures na tayo together, kahit tatatlo... syet kasi nakakahiyang magpopopose dun no... sa susunod nga pala, sama mo ha... para ma-meet ko...


======================

Nald and I talked in the car after we dropped Weng off sa office.. He told me of his plans to go abroad na next year... di kasi pwedeng biglaan at may carloan pa siya... i'm all for it... this is the right time for him to go, lalo na ganito ang condition ko... wala kaming pagkukuhanang extra income. Sabi niya baka sa Ireland, may opening daw ang McDonald's.

Gagawin na raw namin resume niya... at long last, eto na ata talaga yung realization na hinihintay ko from him...

Ang dami niyang nasabing plano, pati what to do with the money that he will earn.. it's good to know that he's gonna entrust it to me... sabi ko naman, dapat kung ano lang kelangan dito at yung pango-open namin ng food business... the rest gusto ko, itago niya kung nasan man siya at malamang mas malaki interest nun pag andun... takot din kasi akong humawak ng pera...

If i'm gonna look into the future and daydream about it, sana maging tuloy-tuloy na... ang daming missed opportunities... especially for Dale... therapies and other intervention that we could've given him if only we had the money.

I am daydreaming of getting our own house and a family car... with all the necessities there... living comfortably... giving the kids' quality education... being at home and serving them... tending to the business from time to time... gardening, reading a book... getting better...

Small lang ang dreams ko... di ko kelangan ng fine jewelry, or humiga sa pera... di lang kami magutom, wala lang kaming utang, makabayad lang sa bills, di lang magkasakit o malagay sa disgrasya ang pamilya... at makakuha ng konting luxuries sa buhay... enough na yun for me...

I am praying for my dreams to come true in God's time... i know, lahat ng ito, pagsubok lang na lilipas din... minsan lang si Lord, mejo nati-trigger-happy at nasosobrahan ang pagsubok namin... hahaha... pero, nakikita ko ang mga positive effects nito sa pamilya namin... nagiging mas malapit kami sa isa't isa... mas nagtutulungan... mas nagkakaintindihan... mas nagiging madasalin... kaya kahit si Lord eh natutuwa sa pagbibigay sa min ng pagsubok, alam kong natutuwa din siya na may nangyayaring maganda...

Kaya kahit ganito, Lord, thank you pa rin... hinay-hinay lang ha. **wakokoko**

Monday, July 31, 2006

was it a waste?

if i look back 15 years ago, i'd probably see nothing but heartache and pain.

probably, but not quite.

you see, 15 years ago, August 4, 1991... i said yes to a guy whom i am now married and have 3 wonderful kids with.

he was a neighbor that i had a crush on since i was in grade school... he's good-looking kasi. he was lanky, but with nice eyes and nose... hay... everytime i see him, i'd melt.

i remember he had a girlfriend then... i guess they were inseparable since elementary days in school... she was a childhood sweetheart. they were on for 4 years, that i know of.

when i was in high school, i had my fair share of suitors... one of which was also a childhood buddy and was not bad-looking but i only had strong feelings for him more of a brother than that of something else. though, i might have said yes to him if i would've wanted. pickings were few, since i wasn't the type that suitors will pile up at the door and bring flowers to.

my world was this street since i was born. my time, there was no Glorietta 4 to go to... no discos and parties that i was interested on... no celfones and texting... it was boring.

Nald and I became phonepals... that was how it started. My friends knew his phone number and as a group, we began calling him... then, we started getting to know each other, and he'd call me everyday. Not really talking. Not really saying something worthwhile. Just being there for each other.

I had a boyfriend then... he was my sister-in-law's brother and he didn't have a future.. didn't even finish school, a mechanic of all sorts... now, he's in maintenance in a hospital with a live-in partner with kids. i wish him well.

Nald had Clarissa, his girlfriend, but they were on a cool-off period at that time, I believe. It was a long period of getting calls and saying pleasantries... months of it, i guess. I felt I was already falling for the guy and started to lay-off him for a while, telling my mom to say that I was already asleep...

My brother who was a friend of his talked to him that time and asked him his intentions since they saw a change in me already... that they think i'm falling in love with him. He told me this once.

One day, I just had the courage to split up with my boyfriend... I cried, of course... I also felt love for this guy.

The next day, Nald called me up crying. Clarissa has broken up with her. He was heartbroken... truly hurt... that was when I knew that he loved her still and that i was merely someone he wanted to talk to... a friend.

Though i hurt seeing him hurting and crying to me, i put up a strong front... i even talked to his girlfriend who already guessed i have feelings for him and she was the one who told me that Nald is a good man, and we could be good for each other. Clarissa and I were even going to the same school then during college. I couldn't stand it, so I dropped out of school.

I enrolled in STI Taft for computer courses for a year. That was when Nald started approaching me differently. He was going to a nursing school. He asked for one date where we ate at SM foodcourt and he bought a book.

He told me his feelings on the fone when i was in my cousin's house. And I said yes. I didn't hesitate. After that I felt stupid. I thought, i should've asked for more time... that was the proper thing for a girl to do... but I didn't. Stupid.

Heart over mind.

So, that was what happened. I had a boyfriend again. We started going out. He'd visit me and wait for me after school.. We'd talk on the fone... my parents knew about this after a week or two... it was fine... he can openly and freely come to the house to visit.

Every month, he'd cook for my family during our anniversary. We came to know different kinds of food coz he likes to cook really. We were happy and sad together.

We fight almost everyday but we can't keep away from each other... We always patch things up before the day ends. I always give him notes and little things...

When I finally enrolled in Letran, he had to transfer there coz they found something in his heart that he can't continue studying nursing in school. He took the same course. We were classmates. My world revolved around him. Literally. We do everything together. We cannot be seen without the other.

Problems started to arise. Women on the loose. We fought like husband and wife. We started to lose our respect for one another. I was blinded by my love for him that I didn't see that he was fooling around. Our classmates knew of this, and I didn't.

It was my brother's birthday when everything changed. I found out I was pregnant. I went home early and bought a kit. He called me from school and he went home after I told him.. We thought of everything, even abortion. He even went to a classmate who knew of where to go... When he came home to tell me not to do it, I already made a decision not to. It was like i felt cold water being thrown at me and waking me up... telling me, it's a baby. Your baby.

We told his mom first. Then we had a check-up. It was positive. I really was pregnant. We told Dad who laughed at me. I told mom the next day... She didn't look at me.. She didn't slap me... She didn't talk to me for a week.

Nald talked to him telling her that he would marry me, and my mom told him... kung libog lang yan, wag mo ng pakasalanan anak ko. kaya kong buhayin yan pati magiging anak niyo.

He cried and told my mom that he loves me and will take full responsibility for our actions.

The wedding was prepared. We married at Malate Church on April 18, 1995. Nald even wept. I said some blunders on the altar. I even told him, don't cry... isipin naman nila pinikot kita... sabi niya, kasi ngayon ko lang nakita Daddy mo na naiyak... and my dad was indeed crying.

We stayed in their house for a while. but everyday, i'd still go home to my mom... i couldn't stand it there. I'd just go home when Nald is home.. We continued our studies since it was our last year... we were graduating... i went to school pregnant. I just took a leave when i gave birth, just in time for sembreak. I even graduated with Academic Distinction, if it weren't for the line of 7 i got in Taxation, i would've graduated Cum Laude.

I had Anea on October 18, 1995... i had a difficult delivery coz she wouldn't want to come out... i was induced for 2 days to no avail... i had an xray, and they saw that my pelvic bones wouldn't budge... so i was on Cesarian operation. i gave birth in a public hospital near our house in a ward. That time, you wouldn't imagine how filthy and dirty everything was... but i endured.

Nald took care of me... and our baby... i stayed in my mom's house.

There was a lot that happened after that. A lot of heartaches... I do not recall everything, or I just choose not to remember anymore. They involve women, and everything in between... There were issues of irresponsibilities and attitude and physical abuse.

The one time that really struck me was Marika... i even met her, even talked to her and almost begged her to stop seeing Nald. Nald has loved her and wanted to leave me for her. I tried winning him back for 2 months and then I gave up. I started going out, meeting new people. I guess he noticed this and realized that I could do the things he was also doing and he came back... I wouldn't want to but my father got in the way.

Everytime we would fight a major fight and get back together, we'd have a baby. Dale (December 17, 1998) and Tony (January 17, 2001) were the fruits of my prayers that ah... He's gonna change coz God is giving me this baby... You see, we didn't have any birth control that really stuck with us for good... i was on the pill sometimes, but didn't get pregnant.

i even thought that maybe Dale's condition can tighten our bonds together... but he's still in denial over my son's condition...

Change was elusive... i began thinking that maybe this was all my fault... i even doubted my abilities in bed. I thought, if i were just as experienced as all the women he was dating, maybe I could satisfy him better.

I don't know what happened to us... it was just blurs of the past.

We even tried living in an apartment together... but we fought again... and this time, I was physically hurt. I had to leave the house.

We got back together, but not living together... I stayed in my parent's house and he stayed in the apartment... he's there until now. He'd just come here from time to time... check on the kids and me, sometimes sleep over...

That's the set-up until now... it's more than 2 years now since i left the apartment...

He's starting to change, i know... I can see the changes now... it might've taken him 15 years to realize it... it might've taken this disease to make him see... he's now cautious of how i feel... he's now becoming more responsible, not only to his kids but to me in his own little way.

I am not going to say that everything was his fault. Every relationship requires two people. I had a lot of mistakes along the way... in a way, i have gotten 'revenge' over what he did to me... though 'revenge' is not the right word for them.

I am not sure if this relationship will endure... that our first promise of 'four-ever' will ever be that.

I am sure of one thing, though. Not everything is about us. There are 3 wonderful kids in between that's holding us together, whatever other people say, our kids come first, and us last. That's how it will always be.

There were a lot of lessons learned. But as everyone now knows, it's stupid to get married for all the wrong reasons... but finding out good reasons to stay together is much better.

It is not important to dwell in the past now... but look into the future... even if it meant you wasted 15 years of your time getting ready for a new start.

Life is an adventure. Death is another one.

I think my life has yet to start.


p.s.
he's cooking dinner for the whole family on August 4.