Tuesday, February 07, 2006

jobless. broke. mommy.

hay... i thought i found the perfect temporary job for me... teaching Koreans online... but then, when i got to the orientation... i was disappointed.

i was already with the salary mentioned beforehand, but since i thought this was just a temp til i find a stable teaching job in June, it'l have to do.

but i found the company wishy washy. First they said that the training will be for a month. Then when i got there, it was really 5 days. When the training started, they said they had to cut the training short to that day only.

i also asked them beforehand if they had a contract. They said no. But when i got there, they said yes.

i hated it. so today, i didn't go back. Even if I'm broke as hell, I don't want to stay in that company any longer. I couldn't find it in me to go back.

so now, i'm back to being jobless. hay...

anyway, i wanted to put this on my blog as a reminder of how i felt when i had Anea. This was a comment i made on a blog about her fears (or pain) of having a baby:

i respect ur opinion... and i dont blame or criticize you for how you are feeling... the pain, really, is unbelievable... and i was under CS... what more if i had a normal delivery... imagine tiny people coming out of your... urgh!

when i got pregnant, i thought the whole world came down on me. i wasn't ready. i was 20. still in school. think of the pressure. the shame i brought to the family.

but i had the baby. i endured so much during the pregnancy. the morning sickness. actually, just sickness, coz it happened all day long for four months.

then at 7 mos, there was so much pain because of early labor. think of the anguish and worry i went through.

then at 42 weeks, the baby still won't come. i was induced for 2 days. but the baby won't budge.

i was under the knife for just an hour. i didnt want to sleep, even if i was made to, by the doctors.

i wanted to hear my baby cry.

and when she did, that's when i drifted off to sleep.

when i saw her the day after, EVERYTHING... and i mean EVERY SINGLE THING from day 1 to her delivery.... the initial shame, the pain, the worry, the anguish, EVERYTHING.... just evaporated.

and if you knew all that i've been through, you'd say that i was crazy to think that seeing your kid for the first time will make everything go away... but it did.

i do believe that babies are a miracle.

maybe you can have it the way i did... at least with CS you're asleep. they just cut u open, and stitch you back together. did i mention i was crazy? haha!

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