Sunday, April 30, 2006

officially single?



ang usapan, hati sa lahat... sa tuition, sa lahat ng expenses... thurs to sat sa kanya, sun to wed sa kin... ngayon, ginigipit niya ako sa half ng tuition na binayad na niya... taena, di ba?

pero, know what? i'm just relieved that this is going to end now... na wala ng tawag, or text para lang manggulo at maka-score.

i'm just sad that my kids ain't gonna be with me lagi-lagi... pero i know this is for the best... sana lang di maging negative ang effect sa kanila ng lahat...

i'm just gonna give them the quality time they deserve when they are with me... i will make sure of that... babawiin ko yung thurs to sat na wala sila sa piling ko...

i'm just hoping that everything will be ok from now on...

i'm free.

sort of.

happiness is just around the corner now.

======================================

this was yesterday. now as soon as i opened my eyes, my celfone was bombarded with text messages and phone calls from him, asking for forgiveness... nadrain na battery ko sa kakatawag niya... nung nagsabog ang Dyos ng kakulitan, nakuha niya lahat.

sawang-sawa na ako...

may i find my peace ASAP.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

now there's GTalk.

ngayon ko lang nadownload ang Google Talk... mukhang ok naman siya... kasi yung YM minsan nakakainis eh... lalo na pag may webcam, minsan naghahang... DSL na nga kami, ganun pa...

yung Skype naman, maganda pa rin talaga kesa sa YM... yun nga lang tagal nun bago mo madownload at install, at walang mashado pa akong kilala na gumagamit nito, kaya talagang YM pa rin ang laging gamit...

ang sakit ng ulo ko grabe... pati batok ko masakit...

hay... bukas, laba na naman... kakapagod!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

You're The One I Love (Jesse Powell)


Paulit-ulit lang to sa mp3 player ko... bakit? hindi ko alam. i'm just soooooo sad.... i wanna cry... i wanna give up... i just wanna be free of every pain... i don't wanna think of anybody, of anything, but myself... na mapasaya ko yung sarili ko... na wala akong pakialam kung may masasaktan... pero hindi, coz life is like that. and there's nothing i can do to change how it runs. coz not everything is about me.

Achie: ano ulam nyo?
Mai: nagisa lang ako ng potato na may cabbage
Achie: syempre di rin ako makaiyak dito dahil andito nanay ko.
Mai: ano ba problema
Achie: wala nga eh. pero marami. gulo di ba?
Mai: hay..nyeta
Achie: wala naman dapat. kung aayusin ko buhay ko... kung pipilitin ko.
Mai: hay..bat nman kc bigla nagemote eh
Achie: tulad mo, kung gugustuhin mo... at magpapakamartyr ka.... baka maayos mo pa buhay niyo... kung magtitiis ka... alam mo yun?
Mai: alam ko yun..pero hindi naman tama diba
Achie: yun na nga eh.
Achie: pano mo malalaman kung tama nga yun?
Achie: sino ba ang maghuhusga?
Achie: ikaw ba o ako, mga anak mo, ang mga parents mo, ang mga tao?
Achie: coz personally, its just between you and him, di ba?
Achie: but its not.
Achie: its freakingly complicated.
Achie: and i hate it.

Mai: ganun nga eh...
Achie: sana may magic na lang sa mundo... to make everything go away... to start anew. yung pwede mong tanggalin ang mga pangit sa buhay mo everytime it comes...
Achie: but then, life would be almost perfect... and there's no such thing.

Mai: ikaw na rin ang sumagot
Mai: kung ganun e di wala ng pangit sa mundo
Mai: la ka ng matututunan

Achie: meron naman, but then at least you can wish it away after... not like this.
Achie: it stays with you.
Achie: it haunts you.
Achie: it shapes your future.
Achie: it decides for you.

Mai: kaya nga eh
Achie: baka naman ikaw na umiiyak dyan ah.
Achie: leche wag kang madaya



oOo


It's like I've never been here before
Look at you now
I don't wanna wake you
To tell you I'm feeling something more
More than before
I'd be lost without you

In my eyes there's just you and no other
In my heart there's no doubt that you're mine
Suddenly I wonder if I told you what I feel inside

If it doesn't show
Baby you don't know I need you
Need you (yes I need you)
Need you in my life
Tell you I wouldn't lie
I'll be true, be true
'Cause if you're never told
How would you ever know that
Baby, you're the one I love


Girl if you could read my mind
Then you would see it's just you and me
In a love that has no sense of time
Pictures of you now and forever

In my eyes there's just you and no other
In my heart there's no doubt that you're mine
Suddenly I wonder if I told you what I feel inside

If it doesn't show
Baby you don't know I need you
Need you
Need you in my life
To you I wouldn't lie
I'll be true, be true
'Cause if you're never told
How would you ever know that baby
You're the one I love

Let me relay it to you baby
There's no need to have any doubt
I love you and I'm gonna say the words out loud

If it doesn't show
Baby you don't know I need you
Need you
Need you in my life
To you I wouldn't lie
I'll be true, so true
'Cause if you're never told
How would you ever know that baby
You're the one I love
la la la la, la la la la
I love
Baby, you're the one

PerFormancing

i'm just trying this out... a Firefox add-on where i can conveniently blog while i'm surfing the net... basta... di ko mashadong maexplain... if you have the latest Firefox, you can get the add-on. It's also useful for bloggers who's got 2 or more blogs...

anyway, my Dad ordered a copy of THE BOY WHO COULD FLY... it's a Disney movie that i loved when i was a kid. I couldn't remember how the story went now... i just know that i loved it... and he bought it for me! yey!

i wish it was May already!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

a day at the zoo

i wanted to go to the zoo for the longest time, but couldn't find the right time.
for holy week, my mom went to my brother's place for a vacation.
when she came home for Easter, I took the opportunity to
finally go to the zoo with my kids. my brother, his wife, and baby Bea went, too.

the first thing i noticed was the entrance fee. *grin*

since my dad worked for the zoo when we were kids as a payroll clerk,
we could get in for free. now, we had to pay. *LOL*

now, it's 40 bucks for adults and 20 for the kids.

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next thing i noticed was... oh my God, where is Tony?!

And that pretty much sums up what I did there. Look for him.
Good thing my mom was there to take care of Dale who wasn't interested in animals, i guess. 'Coz all he did there was eat ice cream, and then play (there's a playground).

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Unlike Tony, who couldn't last a minute from one cage to the next.
And with, i think, half of Manila and Pasay there that day,
I really couldn't afford to let him out of my sight.
i couldn't even get a decent picture of him.

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anyway, it was fun. the animals were abundant compared
to the last time we were there (ages ago). except they were still missing a giraffe.
the old one, well, got old and died. pity.
the giraffe is one of the main attractions there.

of course there was this cool chimpanzee who has a kitten for a pet.
too many people around the cage = no picture.

and the scary limping tiger. the falcons... i loved the falcons!

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the peacock.

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the gigantic rhinos.

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the turtles.

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this drugged bird (or maybe the flash shocked his eyes out).

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the bunnies that Bea loved.

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and this lonely monkey. is it me, or is one of her tits showing? *LOL*

and the stuffed animals. Of course, they were off limits to people.
But hey, my brother got carried away and thought that Dad still
works there, so we kinda 'slipped' into the office quietly. *wakokokoko*

funny thing with the stuffed animals is that they scared the bejeezers out of Tony.
I was carrying him that time, and when he saw them,
he tightened his grip on my neck, and he probably would've killed me,
til I managed to say that they were already dead. and stuffed. *cough*

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I couldn't blame him though, they scare me, too.

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we only stayed there for less than 2 hours, but we were exhausted after.
what with all the chasing we did with Tony, and with the playing with
Bea who kept on going for the slides.

but it was a fun experience and if you really don't have enough money to spend,
the zoo is the right place to bring your kids for a little exploration.

Note:
if you're gonna go, bring food and drinks. they cost double there.
alcohol, a change of clothes, tissue, hankies are necessities.

oOo

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i'm posting this triumphant smile coz Dale got in at
San Isidro Catholic School as Grade 1 full mainstream.
He did well during the interview, the principal informed me afterwards.
Her only negative comment was that he talks too fast.
He was asked to pray, to write certain words, count,
recite the alphabet, and some pertinent questions.

they only ask for submission of regular assessments,
and a dialogue with his former teacher.

he was sure that he got in that when i was looking at the list of school supplies
he needed he wanted me to buy them already.
he didn't leave until I said yes. and we did.

now, i really am not sure if i'm relieved that he passed.
coz now, i have these fears.
the workload, the schedule, the teacher, the classmates, the parents,
his bowel movement schedule, his penmanship, his... everything.

scenarios keep on flashing on me before i sleep, when i look at him, and in between meals.
what if he doesn't make it? what if he couldn't deal with it?

i'm also thinking too much 'coz i have to work.
with no yaya, and three kids going to school, how will we manage?

what if something happens and i'm called by the school for some reason and i'm at work?

during these times, i wish i wouldn't need to work and just be a
plain mother and be with my kids more.

but reality sucks.

big time.



Sunday, April 16, 2006

ayoko na ba?

ito ang isang tanong na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko masagot ng tama.

ayoko na ba?

ang totoo niyan, ewan. ito siguro ang pinaka-honest na sagot na mabibigay ko. sa karamihan, napaka-tanga ko na.

ang mga madalas kong naririnig:

ewan ko sayo!

bahala ka... tagal ko ng sinasabi sayo, di na magbabago ang asawa mo.

o, kitam? di kinain mo rin sinabi mo. may pa-people-change people change ka pa dyan.

marami na sa mga kaibigan at kapamilya ang nagpapamukha sa akin ng katangahan ko. maitatanong niyo, ganun ba siya kasama?

hm.

hindi naman. eto, totoo.

hindi naman siguro siya kasingsama ng mga asawang pastym ang mambugbog ng asawa, o magsugal, o maglasing, o magsugal, o magdroga.

hindi naman siya nagnanakaw, o pumapatay.

pero, hindi ako masaya. lagi na lang akong hindi masaya. madalas naiisip ko, ako na ata ang may problema.

sabi nga nila, ang hirap kasi niyan, pareho kayong matalino... kaya ayan! ang tataas ng pride niyo... lagi kayong nagpapatalbugan... sinong mas magaling na magulang kanino? sinong mas maraming nabibili? puro kayo payabangan.

totoo din yun.

ako, kaya lang naman ganun, dahil sa mga naririnig ko, lalo na sa nanay niya... sa mga bintang niya sa kin, sa mga sinasabi niyang wala naman akong nagagawa.

isa siguro sa mga masakit na sinabi niya sa kin ay eto:

puro ka yabang, wala naman. asan ka na ngayon?

nandito.

kung mayabang ako, ni hindi na sana kita kinakausap sa telepono. e di sana, hindi na ako humihingi sa yo ng tulong.

bakit ba ako nagagalit? hindi ko rin alam... siguro dahil hindi siya yung taong para sa kin... pero, alam ko naman... tanggap ko...

sinong gago ang papatol pa sa gaya ko?

hello!

31 na ko.
tatlo na anak, special pa yung isa.
di na ko pwedeng magka-anak.
di ako maganda.
di ako sexy.
di ako flawless.

wala na talaga. at iilan pa lang yan sa mga pangit na katangian ko.

pero naisip ko rin, parang okay na lang ang mag-isa, kesa sa mabuhay ng malungkot... laging may galit sa puso... laging may duda sa isipan...

hanggang kelan ba ako ganito?

ang gusto ko lang naman, isang tao na:

~ makikinig sa kin ng totoo, yung hindi nagkukunwari.
~ yung irerespeto ako
~ yung hindi gagawin yung ayaw ko
~ yung mahilig magbasa, para may makausap ako
~ yung responsable at hindi ko na kailangang isipin kung may kakainin pa bukas, bayad na ba kuryente, PLDT, MWSS, credit cards... kasi siya yung nagiisip nun para sa kin
~ yung yayayain akong manood ng sine tuwing may bagong palabas
~ yung dadalhin ako sa boulevard para lang makita ang paglubog ng araw
~ yung hindi mahihiyang hawakan ang kamay ko pag naglalakad kami
~ yung susuportahan ang napili kong propesyon
~ yung kasama ko laging magsimba
~ yung sasama sa kin, kahit san ako tumira
~ yung ipaglalaban ako sa pamilya niya
~ yung may pakialam sa mga anak niya
~ yung sasama sa lahat ng tagumpay at kasawian naming magiina.
~ yung hindi ako sasaktan at pagbubuhatan ng kamay
~ yung hindi titingin sa ibang babae lalo na't kaharap ako
~ yung hindi ipamumukha sa kin na may isang babaeng tumutulong sa kanyang magbago, at hindi ako yun (sobrang napakawalang silbi ko naman pala talaga)
~ at lalo na, yung hindi sex ang laging nasa isip. na gagawin akong parausan. everytime.

leche.

meron pa bang ganitong lalake ngayon? alam ko meron. pero hindi siya yung pinakasalan ko. hindi siya yung nakilala ko. hindi siya yung nagkagusto sa kin. hindi siya yung nagsabi ng I LOVE YOU. hindi siya yung nagbigay sa kin ng mga anak.

hay.... taena.

ano bang klaseng buhay ang napuntahan ko? para na lang akong sirang plaka. on. off. laging ganito... paikot-ikot... hilong-hilo na ko...

bakit ba mahirap sa kin ang magdesisyon? kasi hindi lang ako nagdedesisyon ng para sa sarili ko lang... may tatlo pang taong maaapektuhan... silang hindi makakapagdesisyon para sa sarili nila...

kung naging maayos lang sana siyang kausap... yung tuwing aayaw ka, hindi niya iisipin, kasi may lalake ako... na hindi na naman daw bago...

ang lakas din naman ng tama mo!!!! ano'ng feeling mo? hindi ako pwedeng umayaw ng dahil lang sa ayoko na??? dahil sa ugali mo? dapat ba laging may third party?

ganito ba lahat ng lalake? kasi kung ganito sila lahat magisip, ayoko na talagang mainlove ever!

masaya naman ako ng walang lalake no... at bakit hindi? may mga anak akong nagpapasaya sa kin... sa ngayon, sila lang ang buhay ko... sila lang ang nagdudulot ng ngiti sa kin... sa lahat ng hirap na dinanas ko, sa lahat ng pagod... isang ngiti lang nila, napapawi lahat. naglalahong parang bula.

siguro, dito talaga lamang ang mga babae kesa sa lalake... ang ability na maging masaya kahit wala sila.

hay...

kung tatanungin mo ko ulit...

ayoko na ba?

ewan pa rin ang isasagot ko.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Palm Sunday blues... etc.

Our Parish holds the usual Palm Sunday blessing on the street at 7am. Hundreds of parishioners came with different kinds of "palaspas".

I came with my mom and Anea. And I also came armed with my digicam. I was hoping I could get weird, funny, or just plain interesting pictures... but alas, even if i do find a nice picture to take, the person runs away.

I like to take portraits kasi... Di ako mashadong ma-scenery or ma-abstract... gusto ko tao... yung emotion... yung mata... yung soul.

Anyway, my mom woke me up at 6:30 and told me to eat at pag-uwi na lang daw kami maligo... yoko nga! di kasi ako comfortable ng umaalis na walang ligo-ligo eh. So I took a quick shower, ate, took a couple of pictures, and we're off. Lika, sama ka...



We bought two palaspas, one for my mom and Anea. We waited for the priest on a horse to come brandishing his holy water on us... It was nice and peaceful. Especially when the people started waving their hands and palaspas. Really nice.




Before we went home we decided to buy some stuff. Labandera stuff. Yep, I am going to wash our clothes since our helpers already left (and without a washing machine, coz ours was terrorized by mice we found out recently...). Something happened to someone in their province, or so they said. Whatever.

Hay... I haven't done this since... I can't remember!!! Wah!!!

Don't get me wrong... My parents brought us up with enough knowledge to live on our own... how to cook, do the laundry, iron our clothes, clean the house, go to the market... all the stuff we needed to do.

When we were young, we kinda had schedules like I do the dishes in the morning, and my kuyas do them after lunch and supper.

We have to clean up our own rooms... we also have to go to the market with our mom so she'll have someone to help her carry the stuff... with that, I also learned how to haggle.

But... I grew up with a yaya. Oh yes, my mother was a working mom... and I... was a spoiled brat. *grin*

No, actually, I really was spoiled, being the only girl in the family and such... but it didn't get to my head... that I am sure of. I KNOW how to do things, but I DON'T do them, because we have help, all the time.

I remember that my mom and I had Saturdays all to ourselves... we'd go shopping... or watch movies... and I didn't come home empty-handed (books, stationery...).

What I didn't learn how to do really was make myself beautiful like my mother. When my mom wants me to buy clothes, I'd decline... and then head off to the bookstore.

I hated fixing myself up when I supposed to do so... I was a well-dressed kid, but as I became a teenager, I lost all nerve and interest. I became the tomboy type that dresses in shorts and shirts big enough to cover my shorts... I also remember wearing my brothers' clothes because they were comfy... I also wore my mom's clothes... so just use your imagination and see how stupid i looked.

Okay, before this goes on and on and I forget my drift... I am not ashamed to say that I was a mama's girl... or that I am not used to doing the laundry... but at least i'm not ashamed of posting my laundry pictures!!! *wakokoko*

first, i had to tie my hair with a clamp 'coz it was so hot outside (no, that wasn't a nest on my head):



here's my laundry:



and i had to have music if i'm gonna do this:



it was fun at first:



but a lot of pain the next:



after doing the laundry, I have to check my messages:



oh my... we have to get either a washing machine, or another helper... and pronto!
just look at my palms:



Oh, goodness! my back hurts! Tomorrow, I have to attack this sorry excuse of a room (mine). It's so *blech* that I think I have to do something about it... hm... i think i'll start with cleaning my walls...



and my awfully cramped closet (and that's the pambahay closet pa lang):



hay.... i really hate to whine... but i couldn't help it... sabi ko nga sa mga friends ko, di bale ng mawalan ng lovelife, wag lang mawalan ng helper!!!

*wah*

oOo

ever received the joke that went something like this?

AMO: Day, lagay ka ng pamatay ng ipis at isulat mo tong chalk sa dingding.

INDAY: Opo, ser!

Kinabukasan, nakita ito ng amo, nakasulat sa dingding:

"Hoy, mga epes! Mamatay kayo lahat! Mga pakshet!"

it was so funny, i didn't forget it... and last night i remembered it becase for the past few days, I found myself getting pissed for one reason:

Ants.

Thousands of them, maybe, gazillions. You couldn't see them here, but they're there, trust me.



They are slowly invading our house. They are everywhere. And they piss me off big time! Why would you not, when at times, you see them lurking inside the ref, eating your favorite cheese. They can even stand the cold!

I kid you not.

When you are sooooo hungry and decide to eat, and when you take some rice out of the pot, you see them feasting on what could've been yours.

When you see your favorite Spiderman shirt with ant holes on them.

Curse you insect scum!!!!

And so for some drastic measures... i decided to use insect-killing chalk on the walls they walk, hop, and run on...



Oh yes, I remembered that joke so well.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

isang araw sa buhay ng isang kulot.


wala akong magawa.

malamang, di ba?

my day starts off at 8am...
i woke up to the knowledge that my last yaya is going to leave for the province...
and that was just my rotten luck.

no job, no money, no helper.

life just sucks.

so i have to do some chores, like wash the dishes, clean the room, and then i bathe Dale and Tony...
Lucky that my sister-in-law wanted to take Anea to her swimming lessons at YWCA so i have free time...

after that, i dressed up the kids to have their pictures taken for school...

afterwards, we ate...

and then i kinda slept a bit... yes, a bit lang! hahaha...
antukin po ako ngayon, for whatever reason, di ko alam...
di po ako buntis kasi di na pwede.



tapos, i did the only thing that i know i'm good at... hahaha!
i took my picture... i mean, pictures...

yeah, yeah! i'm a whore.







at malalaman mo kung sino kausap ko sa fone when i look like this:



three guesses who. sige nga. no brainer, di ba?



and that ends my day.

well, no pala... coz afterwards, i uploaded them and posted them here...
and when i saw them, i came up with one conclusion...

mas masaya ang buhay kapag kulot.

bow.

p.s.

Dale passed the entrance exams at
San Isidro Catholic School were Anea's at...
we're just waiting for his requirements,
and then the interview...
hay.... please.... sana.... i wish.... =)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm Brown

You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

hm... it seems nice to be brown.