Monday, July 31, 2006
probably, but not quite.
you see, 15 years ago, August 4, 1991... i said yes to a guy whom i am now married and have 3 wonderful kids with.
he was a neighbor that i had a crush on since i was in grade school... he's good-looking kasi. he was lanky, but with nice eyes and nose... hay... everytime i see him, i'd melt.
i remember he had a girlfriend then... i guess they were inseparable since elementary days in school... she was a childhood sweetheart. they were on for 4 years, that i know of.
when i was in high school, i had my fair share of suitors... one of which was also a childhood buddy and was not bad-looking but i only had strong feelings for him more of a brother than that of something else. though, i might have said yes to him if i would've wanted. pickings were few, since i wasn't the type that suitors will pile up at the door and bring flowers to.
my world was this street since i was born. my time, there was no Glorietta 4 to go to... no discos and parties that i was interested on... no celfones and texting... it was boring.
Nald and I became phonepals... that was how it started. My friends knew his phone number and as a group, we began calling him... then, we started getting to know each other, and he'd call me everyday. Not really talking. Not really saying something worthwhile. Just being there for each other.
I had a boyfriend then... he was my sister-in-law's brother and he didn't have a future.. didn't even finish school, a mechanic of all sorts... now, he's in maintenance in a hospital with a live-in partner with kids. i wish him well.
Nald had Clarissa, his girlfriend, but they were on a cool-off period at that time, I believe. It was a long period of getting calls and saying pleasantries... months of it, i guess. I felt I was already falling for the guy and started to lay-off him for a while, telling my mom to say that I was already asleep...
My brother who was a friend of his talked to him that time and asked him his intentions since they saw a change in me already... that they think i'm falling in love with him. He told me this once.
One day, I just had the courage to split up with my boyfriend... I cried, of course... I also felt love for this guy.
The next day, Nald called me up crying. Clarissa has broken up with her. He was heartbroken... truly hurt... that was when I knew that he loved her still and that i was merely someone he wanted to talk to... a friend.
Though i hurt seeing him hurting and crying to me, i put up a strong front... i even talked to his girlfriend who already guessed i have feelings for him and she was the one who told me that Nald is a good man, and we could be good for each other. Clarissa and I were even going to the same school then during college. I couldn't stand it, so I dropped out of school.
I enrolled in STI Taft for computer courses for a year. That was when Nald started approaching me differently. He was going to a nursing school. He asked for one date where we ate at SM foodcourt and he bought a book.
He told me his feelings on the fone when i was in my cousin's house. And I said yes. I didn't hesitate. After that I felt stupid. I thought, i should've asked for more time... that was the proper thing for a girl to do... but I didn't. Stupid.
Heart over mind.
So, that was what happened. I had a boyfriend again. We started going out. He'd visit me and wait for me after school.. We'd talk on the fone... my parents knew about this after a week or two... it was fine... he can openly and freely come to the house to visit.
Every month, he'd cook for my family during our anniversary. We came to know different kinds of food coz he likes to cook really. We were happy and sad together.
We fight almost everyday but we can't keep away from each other... We always patch things up before the day ends. I always give him notes and little things...
When I finally enrolled in Letran, he had to transfer there coz they found something in his heart that he can't continue studying nursing in school. He took the same course. We were classmates. My world revolved around him. Literally. We do everything together. We cannot be seen without the other.
Problems started to arise. Women on the loose. We fought like husband and wife. We started to lose our respect for one another. I was blinded by my love for him that I didn't see that he was fooling around. Our classmates knew of this, and I didn't.
It was my brother's birthday when everything changed. I found out I was pregnant. I went home early and bought a kit. He called me from school and he went home after I told him.. We thought of everything, even abortion. He even went to a classmate who knew of where to go... When he came home to tell me not to do it, I already made a decision not to. It was like i felt cold water being thrown at me and waking me up... telling me, it's a baby. Your baby.
We told his mom first. Then we had a check-up. It was positive. I really was pregnant. We told Dad who laughed at me. I told mom the next day... She didn't look at me.. She didn't slap me... She didn't talk to me for a week.
Nald talked to him telling her that he would marry me, and my mom told him... kung libog lang yan, wag mo ng pakasalanan anak ko. kaya kong buhayin yan pati magiging anak niyo.
He cried and told my mom that he loves me and will take full responsibility for our actions.
The wedding was prepared. We married at Malate Church on April 18, 1995. Nald even wept. I said some blunders on the altar. I even told him, don't cry... isipin naman nila pinikot kita... sabi niya, kasi ngayon ko lang nakita Daddy mo na naiyak... and my dad was indeed crying.
We stayed in their house for a while. but everyday, i'd still go home to my mom... i couldn't stand it there. I'd just go home when Nald is home.. We continued our studies since it was our last year... we were graduating... i went to school pregnant. I just took a leave when i gave birth, just in time for sembreak. I even graduated with Academic Distinction, if it weren't for the line of 7 i got in Taxation, i would've graduated Cum Laude.
I had Anea on October 18, 1995... i had a difficult delivery coz she wouldn't want to come out... i was induced for 2 days to no avail... i had an xray, and they saw that my pelvic bones wouldn't budge... so i was on Cesarian operation. i gave birth in a public hospital near our house in a ward. That time, you wouldn't imagine how filthy and dirty everything was... but i endured.
Nald took care of me... and our baby... i stayed in my mom's house.
There was a lot that happened after that. A lot of heartaches... I do not recall everything, or I just choose not to remember anymore. They involve women, and everything in between... There were issues of irresponsibilities and attitude and physical abuse.
The one time that really struck me was Marika... i even met her, even talked to her and almost begged her to stop seeing Nald. Nald has loved her and wanted to leave me for her. I tried winning him back for 2 months and then I gave up. I started going out, meeting new people. I guess he noticed this and realized that I could do the things he was also doing and he came back... I wouldn't want to but my father got in the way.
Everytime we would fight a major fight and get back together, we'd have a baby. Dale (December 17, 1998) and Tony (January 17, 2001) were the fruits of my prayers that ah... He's gonna change coz God is giving me this baby... You see, we didn't have any birth control that really stuck with us for good... i was on the pill sometimes, but didn't get pregnant.
i even thought that maybe Dale's condition can tighten our bonds together... but he's still in denial over my son's condition...
Change was elusive... i began thinking that maybe this was all my fault... i even doubted my abilities in bed. I thought, if i were just as experienced as all the women he was dating, maybe I could satisfy him better.
I don't know what happened to us... it was just blurs of the past.
We even tried living in an apartment together... but we fought again... and this time, I was physically hurt. I had to leave the house.
We got back together, but not living together... I stayed in my parent's house and he stayed in the apartment... he's there until now. He'd just come here from time to time... check on the kids and me, sometimes sleep over...
That's the set-up until now... it's more than 2 years now since i left the apartment...
He's starting to change, i know... I can see the changes now... it might've taken him 15 years to realize it... it might've taken this disease to make him see... he's now cautious of how i feel... he's now becoming more responsible, not only to his kids but to me in his own little way.
I am not going to say that everything was his fault. Every relationship requires two people. I had a lot of mistakes along the way... in a way, i have gotten 'revenge' over what he did to me... though 'revenge' is not the right word for them.
I am not sure if this relationship will endure... that our first promise of 'four-ever' will ever be that.
I am sure of one thing, though. Not everything is about us. There are 3 wonderful kids in between that's holding us together, whatever other people say, our kids come first, and us last. That's how it will always be.
There were a lot of lessons learned. But as everyone now knows, it's stupid to get married for all the wrong reasons... but finding out good reasons to stay together is much better.
It is not important to dwell in the past now... but look into the future... even if it meant you wasted 15 years of your time getting ready for a new start.
Life is an adventure. Death is another one.
I think my life has yet to start.
he's cooking dinner for the whole family on August 4.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
was it something i ate yesterday? ano bang nangyayari sa kin?
disappointed na nga ako yesterday sa nangyari... feeling kawawa akong naglibot mag-isa sa Glorietta, kumain na rin akong mag-isa... tapos ngayon, ganito pa pakiramdam ko.. magkikita pa naman kami ni Bes dapat tomorrow... sana maging ok na ko... gustong-gusto ko na kasi siyang makita... i miss you sooooo much, Bes.
anyway, i don't have much to say... i just feel sad... because of the pain, and the worry in my mom's eyes.
a friend of mine called today. he was asking for an interview, maybe about my life, kasi he's taking his M.A. or something... well, ewan ko kung ano naman ang matututunan ng iba sa buhay ko... i believe, it's just another life na maraming tumbles... pero nakakatayo pa rin naman...
he also asked me if he's in my blog... i don't think i have ever written something about him. some things, and some nice people, need not be mentioned, i believe. di ko na kelangang maalala pa kasi di ko naman nakakalimutan... pag ang tao, nasa puso, di na mawawala.
sabi ko nga, di lahat ng bagay sa mundo, mailalagay mo sa blag... isa na ito dun. pero, syempre, nailagay ko na, di ba? hello, Bos!
eto nga pala ang necklace na nabili ko sa Glorietta kahapon... it's not much, but it has a turtle... so i don't care if it's not pretty... hihihi... adik!
eto na nga pala hitsura ng buhok ko ngayon... sabi ko sa inyo, babalik ang kulot eh... syet. at ang mukha ko ah... araw-araw na lang nalaki siya... di kaya to pumutok na lang bigla? **wakokoko**
o cya, pano, til next time...
Saturday, July 29, 2006
hello... thanks for the comment... actually, di ko rin alam... hehe... they said i have IgAnephritis and/or RPGN... (whatever!) only 40% of my kidneys are functional now...
i had flu-like symptoms exactly on Father's day (bummer!), and i just took Bioflu... the fever went down, but the body malaise was still there, so I went to the doctor... had urinalysis, and viola! they found out i was actually flushing out protein and blood... so, ultrasound... they said it's Renal Parenchymal Disease... was referred to a nephrologist, and from there, repeat tests, and then the next day, confined na ko... they said that the flu-like symptoms are the attack on my kidneys or something.
i was on strong doses of steroids, and was under biopsy after 2 days... yun nga, they said only 40% of my kidneys are left functional... well, it's better than none at all, di ba? hehe.
the medicines are what's bothering me... kasi i'm on heavy doses of steroids and other stuff... meron pa ngang iniinject... the first few weeks, my medicines cost me about 6T per week... now, since the injectibles are reduced from 3x a week to once a week (yey!)... mga 2T a week na lang gastos namin for my meds...
i'm on a special diet... minsan, sumusuway ako... minsan lang naman... patikim-tikim ng bawal.. hehe..
sobrang dami ng side effects ng steroids kaya ako ganito... konting kibit, bothered ako... i don't like noise, i don't like shouting... so, i always get mad at my kids... lahat napapansin ko...
dati, i can only sleep for 2-3 hours... buti ngayon, mejo umaabot ng 5 hours.. on and off.. my skin looks so terrible... i have hypertension... heartburn... acid... pain all over my body... my face, Jollibee!... my stomach is also getting bigger... pero yung limbs ko, wala! pati nga boobs ko nawala eh... hahaha... i have bruises that wouldn't go away, 3 weeks na to..
i have superwoman moments when i have to do something productive or else i'll go nuts... then, i go into a downside moment when i have to rest... i also have withdrawal symptoms na, when it's time to take the steroids, i'd know kasi mangangatog uncontrollably ang kamay ko.. adik talaga ang dating...
i also like to eat and eat... patay! ngayon nga i'm craving for pansit... kaninang early morning, i had to go out to the market pa to buy cheap puto... tsaka ang kulit ko kadalasan... as in ibang-iba from my attitude before... ADIK ever.
what i don't like are my pity moments... lagi akong meron nun... pero medyo nababawasan na... kasi syempre, i was used to working and getting paid.. i really do not have a job since January when i stopped working for a 'prestigious' call center in Makati.. it pays ok, but it's monotonous, and being there for more than 2 years as an agent is stupid.
For me ha... wag sanang magalit ang ibang taga-call center... there's nothing wrong with being an agent for more than a year, pero it's not a trend you should get into.. the key to having a good call center experience is moving up... and i haven't moved up, coz well, maybe, i'm the one who is stupid. di kasi ako nagaapply... hehehe... ayoko lang magbad-mouth ng dating company... hirap na...
ewan ko ba.. kasi parang ang 'malas' ng taon na ito for me... after resignation, naaksidente naman ako and had to be in a cast for almost a month... so, no work there pa rin... dapat meron na, as online teacher.. kaso nga...
tapos pagkagaling ko, apply ulit ako... dami ng offers... magte-trainer pa nga sana ako sa isang newly-opened call center training school.. eh kaso since new sila, i have to wait for them to have clients... ngayon naman na may clients na sila and they called me up, di pa naman ako pwede, feeling ko kasi di ko pa kaya as of now... baka next month na lang... well, sana... as soon as i get through with my checkups...
so, ngayon, andito ako sa bahay... asa ever pa rin sa mommy ko... pity moments ko yun... awa sa sarili kasi feeling invalid.. all i do here is take care of my kids, household chores na alam ko naman na nakakatulong din, pero parang para sa kin, not enough. tapos, nakikita ko pa ang mom ko na worried and doing things that she shouldn't be doing.. na dapat ako na lang..
i'm looking forward to next school year where i can possibly be well na and get a teaching job... sayang din kasi lisensya ko... di ko pa nagagamit, eh... di naman ako makakalusot sa mga companies ngayon coz i'm sick... currently, i'm looking into opening lang a small store dito sa garage namin... benta ng kung ano-anong pantawid gutom man lang, pambili ko ng gamot ko...
anyway, i'm getting a new attitude... haha... ayoko kasi ng nagiging ugali ko nowadays na parang dahil na lang dito, ang dami kong nakikitang mali... puro ako negative... feeling ko, nagagamit ko siyang excuse... sobra na ko ah... di na tama...
there's more to life than this...
as of now, i'm just breathing... wishing everything to go away quickly... wishing to be well...
pero the nearest joy i'm looking forward to is meeting my two friends sa Makati later in the day... yahoo! at last, makakagimik ako ng konti...
so there... yun lang naman talaga nangyari eh... sabi ng doctor, worst case scenario daw, transplant... pag di nagwork, tigok... hehe... ngayon, we're trying medications kasi nga pwede pa naman daw... there's nothing left to do with the rest of the kidneys but save it...
ang gulo lang kasi parang di sya sure sa mga gusto niyang ipagawa sa kin, that's why i wanted to get na lang a second opinion... gusto niya kasi akong ipa-confine again every other month daw... para di laging oral steroids.. ewan ko dun... hehehe... kunin ko muna records ko, tapos tsaga na lang ako sa PGH... wala na kasi akong insurance eh... naubos ang limit ko sa lintek na biopsy na yan... lumagpas ng 100T...
o, pano... tigil na natin to... haba na eh... basta ang gist ng storya... may sakit ako sa ngayon... sama niyo na lang ako sa dasal niyo, para GAGALING!!! (malachoir na sigaw ah)
Mai, pde, isipan mo ko ng magandang topic.. puro na lang ranting tong andito eh... syet. gusto kong ibalik ang dati kong sigla sa pagsusulat ng may sense or mejo nakaka-antig or mejo korny or mejo bastos. **wakokoko**
btw, sa mga nakakapansin... mahilig talaga akong magkukukuha ng pictures... minsan sinuswerte... yang pictures sa profile ko, isa sa napaswerte, camfone lang gamit ko kan, Motorola c650... ngayon, mahilig pa rin, kaso lang, di na maganda nalabas na resulta... nawawalan kasi ng drive magpopopose... nyahahaha... pag galing ko, kodak moments ulit... hehe...
Friday, July 28, 2006
He had this big CAPITAL 'S' or 'sumpong' as we parents call it. He cried pa nga, for no apparent reason... Hay... sometimes, I get the feeling that something's changing him... He's becoming such a handful... and his attitude is veering towards the 'feminist' type... screaming, hitting... basta... di ko mapinpoint. Hay...
Well, we didn't finish the parade coz it was so tiring... When the parade stopped in front of our street, we made a beeline for the house. hahaha... bad.
this is one of his decent picture there.
When we went home, I just cooked lunch, clean the DVD player coz the CDs won't run anymore... then slept.
Weird thing. When I was fixing dinner for my kids, my left hand locked itself up. It got hard, and i couldn't move it. Posed like a sick claw. My heart raced. I instantly prayed. My nerves showed so violet and green on my hand. I thought, what is happening. A tear almost fell.
I had to call Anea to clear the dishes and wash them. After 5 minutes, I could move it again.
It was scary.
When we went to the doctor for follow-up last Wednesday, he was talking about a new protocol... he wanted me confined for 3 days, every other month... for 6 mos... since the steroids are giving me a hard time... he wanted alternate steroids and IV injections.
I mean, he might be an excellent doctor, but sometimes, i have doubts.. he even looked at an old patient's record and compared my case to him.. I mean, why?
so, i said, it will be a problem for us coz i dont have any limit to my insurance anymore. so, i requested for my medical records and will just ask for a second opinion, maybe directly from the National Kidney Institute or the PGH.
i hate my bruises that wouldn't go away... *HMP*
This disease is eating up my life and I won't have it. There must be something else besides these options.
i'm excited about the fact that PeelHere will meet again this Saturday... I miss you guys a lot, especially all the night-outs just chillin' at Starbucks... watching movies and stuff...
i'm a little apprehensive though at how i look now... mala-Jollibee ang dating kasi ng pisngi ko ngayon coz of these darn steroids... i don't know how you guys will take the new look... sigurado akong pipisilin niyo ang pisngi ko... hehehe...
well, anyway... excited pa rin ako...
i had to repost this coz i wanted to add that this morning i just had a haircut... hehehe... as i said, i am feeling down and wanted a pick-me-up... Actually, Tony had a haircut, too... and we went out for a while to go buy a toy guitar he wanted from the market... there was a new salon open that is actually cheap... the haircut was just 40 bucks... and the hot oil treatment only a hundred bucks.
i didn't count on getting my hair this short, coz, well, i have curly hair... but i let the guy chop it off the way he wanted it to... wala lang... katamad lang makipag-argue or something... i thought, if it will look bad, then fine... it'll grow back anyways...
i didn't count on him straightening it with an iron... a nice iron actually, with the ceramic plates and all... when i got home, i looked strange... but my mom liked it... hehehe... if i could just keep it that way, though... but alas... i know my curls will come back tomorrow... hahaha...
My mom sent this to me via email... It cracked me up.
Filipino gets a Job at Wal-Mart
The HR manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, a Canadian and a Filipino.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to George, the Canadian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. "You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'tang ina, sir, I had alreydi shit in my pants!"
Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Aminado ako. Wala akong pakialam sa mga nangyayari sa politika. Bihira akong manood ng balita o magbasa ng dyaryo. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung sino-sino ang mga senador, eh.
Nakakahiya, pero yan ang totoo. Nakakapanlumo ang makinig ng balita. Patayan dun. Siraan dito. At lahat sila magkababayan. Iniisip ko lang, ano'ng klaseng mga tao ang magkakalahi na hindi nagkakasundo sa iisang adhikain?
Kaya kong maging Gabriela Silang. Ang maging 'advocate' ng bayan. Pwedeng makidnap at makipagsabayan sa aklasan. Yun eh, kung gugustuhin ko. Pero, mas pinili ko ang manahimik at di makialam.
Sarili ko mismong buhay, di ko maayos... Buhay pa ng sambayanan?
Sabi nga, there are more pressing matters on hand.
Tulad ko na lang... isang napakababaw na dapat alalahanin ko--pagkain.
sa isang tulad ko, marami ang bawal kainin. lahat di-takal. lahat di-numero. 52% protein, low in purine, low in salt.
pupunta ng grocery, ano'ng bibilhin mo? dapat 0 cholesterol, 0 calories, lite... kung meron ka mang makitang ganun, aba dapat bilhin mo na. Ang isang palaman sa tinapay na pwede kong kainin, 180 pesos isang maliit na lalagyan. ang tinapay, 70 pesos isang loaf.
mababaw na problema, pero problema ko pa rin.
di ako makapagtrabaho--nakakainis na problema. Sa ngayon na may sakit ako, marami akong nararamdaman... maraming masakit... maraming nagbabago... simula sa paghinga, sa paggawa, sa pagtulog, at paggising... para kang imbalidong nakaasa sa nanay mo... naghihintay ng grasya... ng tulong. nakakahiya na. 31 taon na akong umaasa.
Walang narating sa buhay... minsan, yan ang pakiramdam ko... kahit pa sabihin mong marami na akong naging trabaho, pero di naman nagtagumpay sa mga ito... kahit na sabihin mong dalawang kurso ang tinapos ko, di ko pa nga pinagpatuloy ang pangatlo...
isang nakakainis na problema na wala namang nagrereklamo kundi ako, pero problema ko pa rin.
isa pang problema--si Dale, ang anak kong may Asperger's Syndrome. Sa totoo lang, ayoko syang tawaging 'problema', pero pinoproblema ko siya. Bakit siya ganito? Ano'ng dapat kong gawin? Ano'ng mangyayari sa kanya sa hinaharap? Makakatapos ba siya ng pag-aaral? Makakapagasawa ba siya? Makakakuha ba siya ng trabaho?
ito, mabigat na problema na ang solusyon ay minsan naaabot ko na, pero problema ko pa rin.
Yan ang ilan sa mga pinagdadaanan ko sa buhay. Wala pa dyan ang personal na problema sa asawa at sa ibang anak at kapamilya. Wala pa dyan ang lahat ng emosyon.
Magsasalita ka sa SONA, mangangako ng ganito, ganyan... pero ano ba ang totoo? NAGHIHIRAP ang bansang pinanghahawakan mo. Maraming walang trabaho. Maraming nagugutom. Maraming walang sariling tahanan. Maraming ulila. Mataas ang presyo ng lahat. Mababa ang sahod.
Tapusin mo muna ang mga problemang ito, ayos ka na sa kin, GMA.
GMA vows to share power with provinces
By Sam Mediavilla, Reporter
President Arroyo's sixth State of the Nation address on Monday, loaded with concrete details about her plans for the prosperity of the country in the next five years, was applauded 167 times.
It was a 22-page speech that took her more than an hour to deliver.
At the very outset she stressed that she had not come to the opening of the joint session of Congress to discuss politics but to talk about what the Filipino people want and should have.
She thanked her friends in Congress "who in the face of grave political consequences, championed and passed some of the most severe and critical fiscal reforms" to save the economy and called them "true friends."
She announced that the government is now financially able also to finance constitutional and electoral changes.
The President reiterated her commitment to decentralize power and share it with the provinces and end the system where power and resources are centered in the capital, which, she said, has become the center of destructive politicking.
She outlined a massive spending program to kickstart the economy and urged opponents demanding her ouster to give up what she described as a lost cause.
Mrs. Arroyo said the government would build or upgrade at least 20 airports as well as roads, railways, bridges, ports and ferry services, tap water and irrigation projects.
"Because of our economic reforms, we now have the funds to address social inequity and economic disparity," she said, alluding to key tax legislation passed in the previous two years.
"Now we can fund our medium-term public investment program."
Ten months ahead of mid-term elections set for July 2007, Mrs. Arroyo was in a triumphant mood after surviving an impeachment attempt last year over allegations she stole the May 2004 presidential election.
She also weathered an alleged coup plot by men of the military and the political Left that forced her to declare a state of emergency for a week in late February.
Political foes, including a number of influential Roman Catholic bishops, have filed a fresh impeachment complaint on nearly the same charges.
The House of Representatives must tackle the complaint in upcoming sessions, but a defiant Arroyo appeared unperturbed.
"For those who want to pick up old fights, we’re game"” she said to loud applause.
"But what a waste of time. Why not join hands instead? Join hands in the biggest challenge of all, where we all win or we all lose the battle for the survival and progress of our one and only country."
University of the Philippines economist Benjamin Diokno said he doubted the government had the financial means to carry out the massive public spending program laid out by the President.
"This will cost a lot of mone--half a trillion pesos ($9.58 billion) at least," he told local television, noting that Congress had yet to pass the 2006 national budget.
Mrs. Arroyo said her spending initiatives would be tailored to boost the competitiveness of four key areas of the country.
Agribusiness would be promoted in the northern Philippines and the southern region of Mindanao, tourism in the central islands that welcome half the country’s foreign tourists, and lower electricity costs and cheaper food for Manila and the surrounding industrial belt.
Beyond the economic focus of the speech, Mrs. Arroyo said peace talks with Muslim separatists brokered by neighboring Malaysia should yield a negotiated settlement soon.
"We should reap dividends in resources invested in agribusiness, not aggression," she said.
'The law of oppression'
She also vowed to end what she called "the law of oppression" imposed by communist guerrillas elsewhere in the country.
After shelving peace talks with the Left in 2004, Mrs. Arroyo wants to rid the area around the capital of guerrilla influence within two years, and has pledged to give the military and police more resources to get the job done.
She also made a fresh pitch for amending the Constitution, which she said created the "most prohibitive red tape" that was hindering business in the Philippines.
She said that last year she wanted to remove provisions of the Constitution that bar foreign investment in many poorly developed sectors of the country’s economy, but that her campaign had not made much headway.
The President congratulated the newly installed Senate President Manuel Villar. She thanked House Speaker Jose de Venecia, Vice President Noli de Castro, former President Fidel Ramos, Supreme Court Chief Justice Artemio Panganiban and other personages for their help in making the successes of her administration possible.
She spoke about the Filipino workers in Lebanon, the first batch of whom safely returned home on Sunday.
She added that around 500 additional OFWs are set to arrive in Manila this week from the battle-torn country.
Work for the national good
Mrs. Arroyo challenged her critics to work with her for the good of the country, saying, "There must be a better way to do politics, so that those who lose elections do not make the country pay for their frustrated ambitions."
She said that "bickering in politics may delay but not derail the initiatives that need to be taken on the economy and our 10-point pro-poor, pro-growth and pro-peace agenda."
She also happily announced her administration’s having exceeded by billions the revenue collection targets, which she is able to match with fiscal savings of the same amount.
The money will be used, she said, for programs that push more reforms and solve the problems of social inequity and imbalances.
"We have achieved record revenue collections. And finally earned the respect of the international community as a serious and viable state for our fiscal discipline and billions of pesos in annual interest saving that are now going into necessary public investment," Mrs. Arroyo said.
Strong-willed CEO of Philippine Inc.
She also reported that her government has now money to stamp out terrorism, lawless violence and irregularity in the bureaucracy.
She explained that the reforms introduced by her finance managers have earned the country P1 billion from the US Millennium Challenge Account that would bring in more investigators, prosecutors and new technology to strengthen the government’s fight against corruption.
The image she projected was that of a strong-willed and competent CEO of Philippine Inc.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Mom and Anea went to church first. It was just me, Arolf, and Tony who went to the gym. As soon as we got there, most of the kids shouted Arolf's name. Clearly, he's popular in school. A lot of kids came up to me and complained about him, like this one kid who said Arolf cut his bag or his notebook. Tsk! Tsk! Kawawang mga bata, naiisahan ng anak ko.
Girls and boys alike went out to greet him, even kids from other sections! I didn't know how to feel. The only thing that lacked was the attention from the parents. I have never been friendly with other parents from school, even with Anea's classmates.
I still dunno how to react if they will ask me why Arolf behaves in a certain way. I dunno if I could say that he's special.
Anyway, he had a great time at first... running about, playing... dancing...
but then it rained hard and he tried to cover his ears... i had to embrace him and tell him that everything will be fine and he should take off his fingers from his ears because people are beginning to stare. He did. He then just sat on my lap and wanted to go home already.
After eating, there was another game of Palayok and all the players were already chosen... He got into a tantrum since he wanted to play. I didn't let him coz I said he had to learn to accept realities.
We went home immediately.
All-in-all, it was ok. Tony even had so much fun.
He got the experience we wanted. I saw his classmates' reaction towards him. I'm sure everything will be fine in time.
I got so tired after the event that when we got home, i had to rest. my hands were shaking so bad... my heartbeat was irregular again, my vision is starting to blur, and i can't breathe properly.
i felt a little scared. i didn't know what i was experiencing. Is this the moment that I die, I asked myself. I just rested and dozed off a couple times.
I still feel bad now, but I'm just thinking that I'm gonna see my doctor again on Tuesday, so I can ask him what now. I'm going to the hospital too tomorrow for blood extraction.
sometimes, i feel like the world has come around and shaken me up. That my world is starting to crumble because of this disease.
But when friends start texting at first light of the day, you hear your fone ring, you hear your kids' voice... it seems like God sends me angels everyday to brighten my horizon.
Send me more Angels, Lord.
About a year or so ago, a letter came to me asking for permission to 'show' Arolf in a film documentary entitled Alyana. They said that they will show him in a positive light.
The first thought that came to mind was, will it have a negative effect on my son?
As an advocate for special children, I signed the paper.
I am not and will never be ashamed of Arolf's condition. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished, even little things like putting his trash in the waste bin properly without us ordering him to do so.
I thought, if this will shed light to other parents who are going through the same emotions I have everyday, then so be it.
I forgot all about the movie. As I said, it was years ago.
Then when I heard about it to be shown, I thought, it sounds familiar... and I wanted very much to see it... Though I got sick, and UP Diliman is quite far for me, I really wasn't going to.
Until the conference where T'Mila, his former SPED teacher, advised me to get my 2 complimentary tickets for Alyana and explained to me that it was the film that asked for my permission before.
So, I got the tickets and watched it with my mom.
They said Arolf will just have a bit part, like showing him cleaning something. So I said, OK... Eventhough it was a bit part, he's still on it, and it's a documentary film, very informational. My mom would better understand Arolf's condition when I bring her with me.
Of course, i invited Arolf's dad first, but he said he had a prior commitment. He should've been the one who needed more information about his son.
The movie was 2 and a half hours long and in fact they have to cut it into 2 parts so the people watching can have a break.
The first thing that got me excited was one of the posters... Arolf's name was on it! My mom saw it, and after the show he got it from the walls without even asking someone... hahahaha! That's my mom.
Since I didn't know when he's gonna be on, I had to take out the digicam and wait like crazy pushing buttons and changing batteries... It's a shame that I didn't get the first part of the credits coz Arolf's name nga was on it pala.
When I saw the part where T'Mila was already in, I pressed record and got his first appearance. Pity it ain't clear.
He was washing a chair... and very much like he knows how to! My mom had to laugh coz we never thought he could do that... he's so lazy around the house!
We were considering not finishing the movie since it was already late and we have to commute to go home, but I insisted we finish it.. We didn't know that he will be shown 3 more times! It's like he really IS into the movie, and not a bit part.. I wasn't able to capture the rest on video, coz we really didn't know when he'll show and it's always in passing.
The next scene, he was shown walking to the board to tell time, only his back was shown.
And then when he was in the church, close up.
He was asked to write something on the board, side-view.
I was so psyched. My son is a movie star. Hahaha.
I really have to grab a hold of a copy of that movie... not just because Arolf was on it, but I wanted to give copies of it to people for their own understanding of the truths and myths of every child who has it.
The hardships and emotions that parents go through everyday. The clinical, medical, educational, and other aspects of the disability. The many adults who has the same condition living a normal life. How they think with much more sense that us 'normal' people.
And of course, it's permanence. That this condition will never go away.
That is one of the reasons I wanted now to go into a business. Because when I got sick, I realized, if I had died, what will happen to Arolf? Surely, he will be neglected by his father's family... I am sure of it. He might not get the proper education, maybe institutionalized.
I wanted to give him a start in life... I wanted him to get into business like a computer shop or food business where he can work on his own time, be his own boss. Just live and earn and not have to wait on someone to give it to him.
That is one of the reasons I teach Anea and Tony to love their brother everyday. Siblings play an important role.
I realized now how much more I have to teach him... how much more understanding I have to provide... how much more time I have to provide.
I realized everything with one excellent documentary film by MiranaMedina.
I promise you, when I get a hold of a copy, I will post it here... and i'll provide you with a free copy. Let's just wait for it, coz i'm sure it will be available soon.
We got home around 12mn... super plakda ako... we ate first at Chowking, me having the chicken noodle, but i didn't finish the broth coz it's salty... and the steamed kangkong for my veggies without the bagoong of course... and when we got home i ate a banana for my fruit serving....
kahit pagod kasi nilakad namin from Film Center hanggang mejo kanto na ng UP palabas, i had a great time with my mom and we got to talk a lot more about Arolf.
anyway, til later na lang ulit... too much stuff that needs to be done today... it's Arolf's family day, and I have to bring Puto at Kutsinta pa... bibili pa ako sa market... what's super nakakainis about this day is I will see the devil again, talk again na naman yan...
we already talked eh... ganun pa rin... bwisit... he texted me pa na worried daw naman siya sa kin at concerned siya sa condition ko, he just doesn't know how to show it... and he still had the audacity to turn everything around and blame it on me... stupid jerk.
oh well, a jerk will always be a jerk.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
i noticed nadami ang bruises ko... hmp! madali akong magbruise ngayon...
my dad already got the fone that we sent him na may international roaming na from SMART. Smart na lang kinuha ko kasi mahal ang maintaining ng GLOBE eh..
may signal na siya, kaso lang wala pa yung mga texts..
Hans is doing well, tinapat ko siya sa araw kahapon ng mga 15 minutes... coz turtles need sunshine din, to bask in the sun... that's when i saw his eyes na... lagi kasing tulog yun pag nasa room ko.. akala ko pa nga bulag kasi laging nakapikit at nakabulge ang eyes... nung nagsimula na siyang mangulit, natuwa na ko, ibig sabihin, he's alive!!! hahaha... kumain na din siya pagbalik ko kasi wala na yung pellets.
i have to buy big pebbles pa pala for him, kasi dapat may shallow end at deep end yung small aquarium niya, para pag gusto niyang tuyo siya, he just need to go up. dapat big yung pebbles kasi pag sand, pwede niyang makain.
the devil texts and calls pero di ko sinasagot...
my mom and i went out today , and watched Pirates of the Carribean... it's a super funny movie and i was laughing from the start... di ko lang magets pano nabuhay yung dad niya sa huli... nabitin ako.. siguro alam niyo yung sagot, pero it still eludes me...
we also went to the grocery to buy some food ... nakow! hirap bumili ng food for me, i have to check the labels everytime for cholesterol and protein content.. we just bought cream cheese lite, vitalite, bread, oatmeal, tsaka something for the kids.
when we got home, kain lang ako, tapos plakda na... dumating din si Tony at Anea... si Dale, kay devil natulog.
so nakatulog ako, around 8-9 tapos nagising ako ng 12:30am, so here i am again...
naputulan kami ng cable... yun kasi yung kabit nakaw na cable lang... taga SKY mismo nagkabit nun sa min eh, binayaran lang namin ng 2500 ata yun, years ago... eh di ba, higpit na sila ever ngayon? hahaha...
kaya eto, wala muna kaming TV... til we figure out what to do... kung magsubscribe pa ba kami or hindi.. lungkot nga si Tony kasi ngayon lang siya nakakapagenjoy ng tv talaga, even interacting with kiddie shows...
tiningnan ko yung subscription rates ng SKY, mahal na pala, almost 700 a month... dagdag sa budget, tapos di pa yun complete channels... ano ba yun?!
well, yun lang muna... wala naman masyadong interesting na nangyari...
thought by Jayson:
Life is like a quicksand, the more you struggle, the faster it eats you up... or to that effect.
Friday, July 21, 2006
wala lang... bigla ko lang naisip na bumili... kasi yung dati kong presentation sa inapplyan kong call center training churva, tinext ako.. binili yung module na ginawa ko about jub hunting for a minimal fee lang naman... eh naisip ko, why not, coconut? di ko naman yun ginagamit... so i met her dito sa Pure Gold, at may instant 1T pesos ako... na syempre, ubos na ulit kasi nagpaXerox pa ko ng handouts na ibibigay sa school nila Dale for the conference (kwento later) at konting food.. **hihihi**
i bought Hans for a 180 pesos... ang mali ko, di ko siya inurirat... yun pala parang eto, mahina si Hans... mejo chipped pa yung house niya... konting konti lang naman at di noticeable... kaya eto, malamang bibilangin na ang maliligayang araw ni Hans... di pa nga siya nakain since yesterday eh... i'm beginning to get worried... hay... i'm a sucker for special animals, din? hahahaha...
he needs a playmate! sana tumagal pa buhay niya para madagdagan ko pa kahit isa man lang... nanaginip pa nga ako ng napakaraming Hans sa isang batya... ang cute!!!
i'm a weirdo.
anyway, yung conference, nakow! napakawalang kwenta... may mga good points, pero mostly, pataasan ng ere between the 'clinical psychologist' and the former teacher... i did most of the helping and talking na rin tuloy... para ngang mas may alam pa ko sa kanila, combined eh...
ang main focus lang naman dapat dun is how to handle Arolf well... and main answer lang dun, strict, firm discipline... yun lang.
ewan ko sa kanila, syet.
ang maniac, gusto dito matulog... syempre, ahem.
sabi ko since walang pasok mga bata, bakit di niya muna kunin at dun sa kanila patulugin para makarest naman ako... ang mga sagot ever! tapos nagalit, nagdabog at sabi sa mga bata... wag kayong maingay... kawawa naman yan o... may sakit yan eh... IN HIS USUAL SARCASTIC WAY.
umakyat dugo ko sa ulo ko.. and told him to get out of my life and never come back coz he's the one who's gonna kill me. Nasabi ko sa kanya, mamamatay din siya... Sabi niya, mauuna ka.. di ba sabi ko sayo mauuna ka? Tingnan mo nangyayari sa yo ngayon, o di ba? Mauuna ka.
And he texted me pa na galing daw talaga ng ugali ko.
Oh yes... Mauuna ako... and i will be happy when that time comes.
took a recent picture of myself... wala lang... gustong ibalik ang dating sigla ng pagpopose... walang nangyari... hehehe...
i still feel rotten...
but i get by with a little help from my friends.
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not o sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you but I know it's mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends
i am looking for just about anything else to do, but rant...
i found a link where you get paid to read and click email advertisements... it's kinda referral thingie din... parang Google adsense, that you can put banners on ur site and they'll send you a check... i thought why not do it na lang din? tutal wala akong ginagawa... so, i guess my other Blogger account should be open again for the public consumption... anyway, here's the sample referral email... if u wanna do anything but rant, click away...
I discovered an interesting Internet company called Readclick.com. Registered members are paid for each message coming to their mailboxes from Readclick.com, and you get to select what type of advertising messages you want to receive. The potential income you can earn is enormous. You get paid for reading emails and if you tell friends and relatives, and they sign up, you get paid each time they read email. I suggest you to check it out. I hope you'll find it interesting. Register on the http://readclick.com server and you will receive paid e-mail messages.
The only thing I ask about is while registering, please, indicate my ID number in the registration form or click here to avoid typing my ID manually. You will be able also to create your own little cash generating community when you get friends to sign up for a Readclick.com membership under your ID number.
All the best wishes,
Rachelle Santos Member
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
- i think in pictures. i think in dreams. i think that everything will be fine in time.
but i'm scared.
i'm losing touch of my existence. what am i here for?
i feel like an invalid most of the time... sometimes, i feel like a superwoman. always dashing about, looking for something to do.
like the laundry. and just this morning i finished pressing 2 baskets of clothes. all in less than 2 hours. a mean feat for me... see, i hate doing that. REALLY. i was sweating the whole time... everything hurt but i kept on going.
coz part of me is looking for something to do.
maybe it's the medicines i'm taking... or it's just that i feel so helpless... jobless... nothing to do but the housechores... even if i feel bad or sick, i think i have to do something... i cannot just lay around all day...
you think i'm ok? NO. I am not... I feel a lot of pain... my back, my shoulders, my kidneys, my knees, my knuckles... my heart skips a beat... or palpitates... my head hurts... my feet... even my eyes...
i am weak. but i can't show it. i won't.
i don't want anyone else to worry anymore. plus, we don't have any money.
we are now in the mercy of my Dad, who can send us 100 - 200 dollars a week... and half of that goes to my medicines alone.
i wish we weren't like this...
if i could just work. if i could just start that darn small business.
but everything is a mess.
the truth strikes me every waking moment...
I CANNOT DO ANYTHING to even help myself.
but you know what?
i still am thankful that i am alive now... i know I AM NOT ALONE... and will never be. I have friends and family who keeps on talking to me, being there for me, never complaining aloud.
i live day by day thanking the small pleasures in life... a 5 hour sleep... a whole hour of good heartbeat... two hours of sanity (when all kids are not here)... a bloated face coz it means the steroids are doing their stuff... waking up at 3AM coz i get to chat with my Dad...
little things.. simple pleasures..
that's all i'm looking forward to as of the moment.
all other concerns, will have to wait.
Monday, July 17, 2006
- nothing much to do yesterday...
hm... i went out for a while... meron kasi dito sa min na maliit na mall... Masagana... sarado na siya actually at gagawing Pure Gold! O, di ba? Sosyal na talaga ang Pasay... bukas ata ang grand opening... have to make a mental note na magpamember...
tapos sa tapat nun ginagawa din ang huge market cum mall... dun ko balak magtayo ng business. **wish**
yun nga, naglakad-lakad ako, coz that's one of the advice of my cardio.. lakad muna.. then choose a workout pag able na ko.. easy workout lang pwede sa kin.. the best daw Yoga.. or Pilates.
So, if anyone wants to give me VCDs of either / or / and... feel free... i accept major credit cards, cash, check, COD...
i looked at phones there... kasi nga gusto kong magbiz ng eload... yung pinakamura syempreng pwede is yung 3210... isswap ko sana yung fone kong luma for at least 2 of those, kaso lang they don't accept Motorolas, Nokia lang... pwede daw sa EGI mall.. yun ang aking next stop... yoko kasi ng isang SIM-load-all schemes ngayon, ang dami kasing codes pa to remember... kaya gusto ko 3 fones na lang sana for Smart, Globe, Sun... and i have to do it soon na kasi baka maunahan ako ng mga epal dito. kaya baka later ako lumakad for EGI Mall sa Buendia.
I bought lang naman cookies for Tony, which he still didn't eat... kainis coz ang payat na niya... i have to make him pilit pa to finish his Eggnog cookies... then i also bought cheap books again for him... and a Buy and Sell paper... to look at some biz opps... tsaka what's hot to sell.. mga ganun... biz-minded na no? **haha**
then, i went home na... hay... napagod ako sa short walk na yun... i felt my knees buckling... di pa talaga ako ganun ka-ok... narealize ko.
tapos nun, i just went online again. chat with Papa a little. went on looking for icons and graphics to use for blinkies.. stuff like that.
then, i went berserk.
the kids were driving me crazy. di lang naman yun yung point ko.. it wasn't for me.. kasi nahihiya na ako dito sa bahay.. my mom wasnt feeling well kasi at that time.. and went to bed early pagkagaling niya ng doctor.. kasi naman, bad news ulit.. wala na raw limit ang health insurance niya.. eh di gastos na naman! wish lang namin, di siya maospital for any reason.
so, ayun... i heard the kids fighting... and Tony was doing his big bad mouth routine.. Dale was throwing things... and he fiercely wanted me to cook instant noodles for him eh kakakain niya lang ng nilaga with rice...
i felt really bad... coz sa sobrang galit ko, as in nasabunutan ko talaga si Dale... and i couldn't stop there coz i followed them pa sa room and gave them a lot of spanking.
i was crying while doing so... of course, i was aware that it could trigger my high blood pressure... pero i couldnt control myself... all the anger, all the worries, all the hurt.. i laid it all down to them... my main points being:
- nakikitira lang kami dito
- mama is doing everything for us
- mama luvs us so much
- we shouldnt say we hate her (Tony does)
- we do not help financially at all
- my illness is serious and i could've died
- bawal na akong magalit
- i am training them to be good coz all they got is each other when i pass away
- i am training them to know how to do household chores for the same reason
- that i condone their saying bad things and hitting each other when all they have when i die is one another
- that when i pass away they will all live with their lola (Nald's side)
- we cannot guarantee that Dale will live a normal life, and if Nald can handle it when i'm gone
- that Dale should stop eating and drinking junk coz in simple terms, they all have bad germs that go to his head that's why he goes crazy sometimes... (preservatives and all junk makes us likot, thus, it will give caregivers/teachers/parents a hard time taking care of our kids)
i know it was a lot to lay on kids... but i felt i had to do it now... while i still can.
Tony and Anea cried, of course... Dale just covered himself with a blanket.
Tony promised to stop saying bad things... Anea promised to help me with everything else... Dale promised to just take water and not juice, and to stop eating unhealthy food.
After that, we all ate dinner... then i rested na.. texted a little.. until i fell asleep and woke up at 3am..
There, the lactose meets up with billions of hungry bacteria -- the natural "intestinal fauna" we all have in our large intestine. These bacteria are happy to digest lactose. They produce a variety of gases, in much the way that yeast produces carbon dioxide to leaven bread (see How Bread Works for details on yeast). Gases such as methane, hydrogen and hydrogen sulfide are common gases that these bacteria produce. Hydrogen sulfide is the source of the odor we associate with flatulence.
Flatulence occurs when a food does not break down completely in the stomach and small intestine. As a result, the food makes it into the large intestine in an undigested state. For example, if you are "lactose intolerant," it means that you lack an enzyme (lactase) in your intestine -- the enzyme that breaks lactose apart into two sugar molecules so they can enter the bloodstream. Without lactase, lactose passes undigested through the stomach and small intestine and arrives in the large intestine.
Certain foods produce more flatulence than others because they contain more indigestible carbohydrates than others. Beans, as you might expect, are particularly well-endowed in this regard.============
- Bakit ko nailagay to? Kasi noon, as in noon... di ako mautot na tao... tawag nga sa kin ni Nald, abnormal... kasi yun sa umaga, palabas hangin talaga yun eh... parang Mama ko, Papa ko... eh, tuwing ganun, smirk talaga ako no... natatawa ako ever sa kanila... tatagilid pa yang mga yan sa upuan...
Tapos ngayon, since nung nagkasakit ako... eto na... laging puno ng hangin katawan ko... so, anong ginagawa sa hangin? eh di nilalabas... dighay... utot... syet. Dyspepsia... parang commercial... Inalam ko kung bakit ganun.. sa gamot daw.. sa dami ba naman ng iniinom ko sa araw-araw no...
Acid blocker (Pantaloc, before breakfast)
Steroids (12 tabs a day)
CaC03 (1x a day, kasing laki ng bala!!!)
Capoten (2x a day, for high blood)
Bactrim (MWF, 1x a day)
Lipitor (1x a day, for cholesterol)
Recormon injectible (1x a week)
Kaya, eto... NORMAL na akong matatawag... kasi sa umaga, pagCR ko, hay... sarap palang umutot...
Wag mag-alala, walang amoy no... well, depende.