Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I am not alone

i think in pictures. i think in dreams. i think that everything will be fine in time.

but i'm scared.


i'm losing touch of my existence. what am i here for?

i feel like an invalid most of the time... sometimes, i feel like a superwoman. always dashing about, looking for something to do.

like the laundry. and just this morning i finished pressing 2 baskets of clothes. all in less than 2 hours. a mean feat for me... see, i hate doing that. REALLY. i was sweating the whole time... everything hurt but i kept on going.

coz part of me is looking for something to do.

maybe it's the medicines i'm taking... or it's just that i feel so helpless... jobless... nothing to do but the housechores... even if i feel bad or sick, i think i have to do something... i cannot just lay around all day...

you think i'm ok? NO. I am not... I feel a lot of pain... my back, my shoulders, my kidneys, my knees, my knuckles... my heart skips a beat... or palpitates... my head hurts... my feet... even my eyes...

i am weak. but i can't show it. i won't.

i don't want anyone else to worry anymore. plus, we don't have any money.


we are now in the mercy of my Dad, who can send us 100 - 200 dollars a week... and half of that goes to my medicines alone.

i wish we weren't like this...

if i could just work. if i could just start that darn small business.

but everything is a mess.

the truth strikes me every waking moment...

I CANNOT DO ANYTHING to even help myself.

but you know what?

i still am thankful that i am alive now... i know I AM NOT ALONE... and will never be. I have friends and family who keeps on talking to me, being there for me, never complaining aloud.

i live day by day thanking the small pleasures in life... a 5 hour sleep... a whole hour of good heartbeat... two hours of sanity (when all kids are not here)... a bloated face coz it means the steroids are doing their stuff... waking up at 3AM coz i get to chat with my Dad...

little things.. simple pleasures..

that's all i'm looking forward to as of the moment.

all other concerns, will have to wait.

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