Wednesday, September 06, 2006

upd8

tapos na ang Fistula... ok naman... tolerable... hehe... ok nga kasi dun ako sa 6th floor OR 'ginawa' eh... bagong renovate... ang linis! tabi ng dialysis unit... nakita ko na set-up nila dun... not bad...

follow-up check-up ko today with my nephrologist... tomorrow, sa surgeon naman...

ilang araw akong nagmukmok. i felt so rotten. i felt like giving up.

at 31, i felt like i'm already dead. how could you not be, when you can only live when you go on hemodialysis for the rest of your life?

you'll be struck by 2 needles twice a week, take medicines, have blood tests done, go to your doctors, follow a diet...

ngayon pa lang, umaayaw na ko. teka lang at magddrama ako...

umiyak na naman ako habang nagaalmusal... tinapay at gamot. tumulo ang mga luhang di ko na kayang kimkimin... naisip ko, hanggang kelan ko gagawin to... tatlumpongtaong gulang pa lang ako... nagsisimula pa lamang ako dapat mabuhay... uumpisahan ko pa lang sana na matupad mga pangarap ko... bawat patak ng luha, isang pangarap na naglalaho...

natulog lang ako maghapon... hindi pala, humiga ako maghapon... kung nakakatulog man ako, panakaw lang... hanggat sa nakinig na lang ako ng musika... ginamit ko ang mp3 player ko na matagal ko na ring di nagagamit... narinig ko ang kanta ni Mariah at Whitney galing sa gusto kong pelikula na The Prince of Egypt...

Many nights we've prayed
with no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemes like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
With heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe...

A-shi-ra la-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
(I will sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously)
A-shi-ra la-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
(I will sing to the Lord, for he has triumphed gloriously)
Mi-cha-mo-cha ba-elim adonai
(Who is like You, oh Lord, among the celestial)
Mi-ka-mo-cha ne-dar- ba-ko-desh
(Who is like You, majestic in holiness)
Na-chi-tah v¡¯-chas-d¡¯-cha am zu ga-al-ta
(In Your love, You lead the people You redeemed)
Na-chi-tah v¡¯-chas-d¡¯-cha am zu ga-al-ta
(In Your love, You lead the people You redeemed)
A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra, a-shi-ra...
(I will sing, I will sing, I will sing)

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
Now you will
You will when you believe

You will when you believe

sabihin na nating naibsan lahat ng sama ng pakiramdam ko... hindi man ito nawala, nabawasan naman... ngayon, unti-unting nabubuo ulit ang aking pananampalataya... sa Dyos at sa sarili... YEBAH!

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pagkakita ko sa mga resulta ko, natuwa naman ako... pano, bumaba ang creatinine levels ko, pero meron din namang tumaas... ang triglyceride at uric acid... sympre dagdag gamot at mga pagbawas din sa kinakain...

syempre i had to make sure what will happen next... kasi i feel bad nga... yun pala eh dahil daw ito sa steroids pa rin... 163 lang kasi creatinine ko at ang sama ng pakiramdam due to renal failure eh dapat mga 400-500 ang creatinine mo daw... ang balik ko nga sa nephro after 2 mos pa eh... so, he's seeing baka daw December or next year pa ko magstart magdialysis... dapat ba akong matuwa? hehe... oo naman! POSITIVE thinking!!! (btw, i bought a nice book about it, nakalimutan ko lang title... pag mejo matatapos ko na, i'll post something about it here)

i just had to ask him what i'd feel if it is time for me to be dialysed na talaga... clueless ako eh... perstaym.. hehe.. sabi ko, i dont wanna just drop and die! sabi niya, "trust me... no one suddenly drops dead because of renal failure, not unless they get run by a car."

si doc, marunong magpatawa, di ba?

pati na rin ang check-up ko with the surgeon ngayon, ok din... pagkatapos ko nga magpacheck-up naglakad-lakad ako sa SM Manila... to get some exercise... baka sakaling matunaw ang baba ko... hahaha!

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naiinis ako... habang buhay na ba akong maiinis? hay.

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