Friday, April 16, 2010

I refuse to stop bleeding....

Bleeding time--a medical test done on someone to assess their platelet function.

Julia Roberts look-a-like medtech: "ang tagal...."

Me: "that's ok... i don't wanna stop bleeding... if i wasn't it means i'm dead, right?"


it is difficult to know that there are things that are really beyond your control. However, I will not be me if I am to give up now. I have not been known to be that person.

I cried. But I am moving on. As always, tears are just a cleansing process--to lubricate my eyes, and help me see clearly again.

The doctors said that graft is rejecting. They said all they could do now is to try to lengthen the life of the graft, which is still, thank God, functioning. And then eventually, if it fails, then I go back to dialysis.

I do not want to dwell on the whys and hows. It may or may not be my fault. What with working and all. The risk then was really high since my donor was non-related, and I have 96% PRA. The transplant was a real gamble. I do not want to say that I lost. I'm still alive, aren't I?

Dialysis. The most important thing is not to get sick again while on it, and you'll be fine. You just get stuck with 2 huge needles and sit on a lazy chair for four hours twice a week, read a book, watch tv, or listen to your mp3 player while they clean you up. Not a biggie. Except that it's expensive, and sometimes a pain in the butt. There are hundreds of patients who undergo dialysis for years already. I call them hustlers. They arrive with piles of food, pillows, and bottles of water. The women bring gossip. Dialysis is their bonding time with their older kids. I hear them talk about their husbands womanizing, their neighbors, their expenses. The men even drive themselves home after. All the drama in one big room, you don't need soap operas.

anyway, i'm sure God has plans for me. Life is too short to dwell on things that we cannot change. I have dreams to give up, but then I am building new ones that revolve around the most important part of my life, and that is my family.

So, I am staying home, taking my meds, going to check-ups, and be a wife to a good husband; a daughter to the most supportive and bravest parents in the world; a sister to 2 equally terrific brothers and 2 loving sisters; an aunt to the 5 most loving nieces and nephews ever; a LOLA (soon!); a family member and friend to you guys, and a full-time parent to three wonderful bratty kids who will always be my reasons for breathing.

thanks for all the well-wishes and prayers. i'm at home resting. I have been given huge doses of steroids. I can't have sick visitors, sorry. I'm super immunosuppressed. But I know that all of you have been praying for me, and I am very grateful.

once again, here's to another journey! Hopefully, a very very very long fruitful journey. =)

God bless us.

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